React, Watch, Believe, Yikes
by UknownHero
Summary: Ruby has found every season of Red vs Blue in her basement and saves them for summer vacation so that her whole team can watch it with her. Join them as Team RWBY watches the story of the Blood Gulch Crew and the fall of Project Freelancer... in High Definition, of course. Meanwhile, Jaune finds some RvB songs. Prepare for singing! M for general Rooster Teeth shit! Season 2!
1. Chapter 0-5: Trailer'd

This is a concept I thought of last minute. Now, I've read countless fics ever since I first found FanFiction, and the ones that really interest me are characters reacting to what's going to happen in the future of their lives. A Good Example is Project Freelancer watches Red vs Blue but Camp Half Blood 1. But I've never read one where they react to a different universe. The possibilities. Naruto reacting to Bleach, Bleach reacting to Naruto, stuff like that. So I thought, "What if I did that?" So, this is a fic I'm planning to do sooner or later. Here's a bit of a preview.

Trailer'd

React, Watch, Believe, Yikes

Legends.

Stories.

There are just too many of them.

Maybe it's because we as humans need entertainment to keep ourselves sane or the fact that there are some stories that are true and need to be heard. But there were too many to count, too many to follow.

But it doesn't mean we can't make our own.

Whenever you do it because you needed it to get it out there, or just because that we're bored, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we won't run out of stories to read, watch and listen to.

But what if there was a story never meant to be read, or exist at all?

It was supposed to be hard, impossible even, to find these stories that were never meant to be found. But even the simplest of souls can lead the world into turmoil. An apocalypse from the most innocent of lights.

That's where our story begins. The discovery of ancient technology long forgotten, long left to rot in it's own filth, to be destroyed by time itself. All discovered by a small girl in a red hood.

"What the heck is a 'Red vs Blue'?"

Ignoring the fact it was in her home's basement, buried under some useless junk and old clothes and found by a 15 year old girl in a red hood, who is trained by one of the deadliest people on the planet (who happens to be her uncle) to wield the most dangerous, logic-defying weapon in human history. And the fact she's the future team leader of one of the most powerful teams in Beacon history next to Team JNPR: Team RWBY.

This is the tale of Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna and Yang Xiao Long and how they spent their first summer from Beacon.

Watching every season of Red vs Blue in full HD…

May God help us all. And their minds. Definitely their minds.


	2. Chapter 1: Why are We here?

***Sigh*** Why me? Oh, sorry, my name is… I'm not telling you, but call me the UknownHero and welcome to the first chapter of RWBY! I should be doing homework but I need to get these ideas out of my head so I couldn't resist. Anyway, I think this is the first actual Crossover fic for RWBY & Red vs Blue which kinda bothers me. I mean, they are made from the same company (Thank God for creating Rooster Teeth) and I can think of other stories if you give me enough time. But enough of that, let's start it up! God that sounded cheesy but the next line is truly geeky!

New Game… Start!

Chapter 1: Why are we here?

Beacon Academy. The most prestigious school for teaching up-and-coming Hunters and Huntresses in all of Vytal. This school has produce the greatest warriors known to man, with the Arc family being it's most prominent students. Sure, the teachers there can be strange, or just down right fucking nuts, but they are best and give out wisdom to students both in class and out of Beacon.

Though, there were 2 teams that stood out the most.

First off: Team JNPR.

The Leader: Jaune Arc. At first considered one of the worst Hunters in history, he was declared team leader because of the school's headmaster, Professor Ozpin. Though, he cheated his way through so he wouldn't disappoint his family, he learned that he shouldn't rely on himself all the time and eventually became a respectable team leader and a great fighter worthy of the name Arc. He also broke the leader of CRDL's legs.

Next: Pyrrha Nikos. The second-in-command. Graduate of Sanctum. Friends to the Schnee Heiress. Able to unlock auras. Known to be on cereal boxes. She was practically the perfect person to be team leader. She is extremely supportive of her team, especially Jaune, and helps them in both battle and training. She also, maybe, kinda has a tiny, itty bitty crush on Jaune. She is also known for breaking Cardin Winchester's legs (which everyone has been waiting for since… since he was born. The first thing Cardin did was punching a doctor! Out cold).

Now for Lie Ren. Quiet but deadly as hell. This guy doesn't even need his weapons, with his aura being the strongest in JNPR, he's been known to take out Grimm with his bare hands. Not much is known about his past, apart from somehow being friends with the most hyperactive girl known to mankind. He also broke Cardin's legs as well.

Which brings us finally to Nora Valkyrie, who is the brute of the team. Despite never, and I mean NEVER, shutting the fuck up, not much is known about her as well like her friend. Despite having a very cheery personality, she wields one of the most overpowered weapons in the school next to 'the Scy-ifle', which is a grenade launching hammer, which she used to destroy Cardin Winchester's legs (Yeah, when the team got wind of he was doing to Jaune, they didn't take it well. Cardin will be in the hospital… until he dies, which he hopes for). Though, people are saying that there is a lot of tension between Lie Ren and her though. Which is true.

Now for the greatest, strongest, most badass, motherfucking team in the history of Beacon: Team RWBY.

Let's start off with the Leader: Ruby Rose. Mostly know for, well, everything to her red cloak, giant scythe (which is also a High Velocity Sniper Rifle), her love of cookies and skipping two years, Ruby is practically a prodigy. Though, most likely because she was trained by Qrow, also known to be one of the greatest Scy-ifle wielders in all of Beacon, who went mysteriously missing. Ruby didn't deal with it well at first (because she was an orphaned and taken in by Qrow) but eventually she got over it. Just don't say anything about it. At all (All of Team CRDL know that, first hand). Anyway, despite being the youngest Huntress in Beacon, she also the deadliest, ironically not fearing death itself, though this caused Rub to be reckless and almost team killed way too many times. She's also known for being the arch-enemy of Roman Torchwick & (what people call her) 'The Demon Shadow) after he tried to rob a store of it's Dust.

Speaking of Dust, let's talk about the Schnee Dust Company Heiress: Weiss Schnee. Having to do what her parents want all the time and practically being shut from society, she developed a Princess Bitch mask to hide her loneliness, only letting it slip when she's singing or with someone she truly cares about. Her partner is Ruby Rose, which she hated in the first 6 months at Beacon. Eventually, her took off her mask around RWBY and eventually JNPR, realising she should stop holding secrets, which almost broke RWBY up at one time. Though she does occasionally bicker with Ruby at times. Being in second-in-command, she is gifted in the use of Dust and trained to be both graceful, and deadly. Though, due to her training, she can't take more than one opponent.

And then we get to Blake Belladonna. Half Fauna, half human. Formally part of the White Fang's offensive team with Adam, she eventually drew the line when Adam had planned to destroy the train with everyone still on it and left the White Fang in order to become a Huntress. This caused friction between the RWBYs as they Weiss found out about her involvement in the Train Heist incident. And hiding the fact that her bow is actually her cat ears doesn't help either. Though, they did patch it up, Weiss is actually worried that the White Fang will eventually find her and take her back, with or without force. Thanks to her cat-like abilities, she's the fastest and stealthiest in RWBY, but also the weakest in terms of taking hits.

And finally, Yang Xiao Long, the adopted sister of Ruby Rose. An orphan at first, she was eventually adopted by Ruby's uncle Qrow and hasn't regretted coming with him since. When you first look at her, you'd think she's a bit dumb, likes to party and LOVES her hair. You would be correct. But it doesn't mean she can't beat you up while setting you on fire. And that's when her aura mode is deactivated. If you dare and take a piece of her hair, you'll be dead or wishing to be. She's a fucking beast in battle and her looks and clothing have distracted a fair number of men. She's looking for someone, to the point of being obsessed with finding her. When it went too far and Team RWBY was being planned to be disbanded, Yang gave up her search in order to prevent RWBY from becoming a failed team and focused more on supporting her friends. She's the only person in RWBY to wield a blunt weapon and fight up close and personal, though she's a bit cocky, allowing people to take advantage of her confidence.

But enough with that, let's get to the story.

It starts off on the first day of summer vacation. After months of laughter, tears and laughing to the point of tears, the year was finally over and done with. Multiple teams separated in order to spend time with their families and the teachers had already left to get a well deserved break from the chaos that is Team FUCK (consisting of… actually, no one can describe them, so let's say Brazil) and partially Team RWBY. Airships were flying off to send the students home. Team JNPR have already left, with Jaune excited that could spend summer with Pyrrha, much to her delight. Only team was left in the school. Now currently packing, thanks to being away for a long mission. That team was RWBY,

"Ah… I can't wait to get to the beach. Maybe I can get that tan I always wanted." Yang said as she put away her weapons,

"Back to prison." Weiss muttered as she checked her Dust supply. Apparently, her butlers were unavailable so she had to pack by herself. Since she never even packed away toys in her life, it goes as well as you would guess. Luckily, Blake was helping, due to the fact she didn't bring much so it took her no time to pack,

"Weiss, cheer up! You can always visit us. Your parents said so." The Leader of RWBY said as she cleaned Crescent Rose. She was the only one who hasn't packed a single bag yet, too focused on her baby, "They're really nice." Weiss only looked at her in disbelief,

"Ruby, they are the most strictest parents know to Vytal, and they deem 'having friends' a waste of time and space. They want me to focus on money management and 'not disgracing the Schnee family name again' thanks to one detention I got for covering for you that one time."

"Come on, Weiss. I couldn't resist all of those cookies in the kitchen. Are you going Princess Bitch on us again?" Ruby lost a bit of her innocence when she saw Yang getting badly hurt and started bleeding. And when you started bleeding, it was practically a death sentence. But Ruby didn't know that. She just never seen blood in her life. Or at least blood from humans.

"I didn't say I regretted it." Weiss said with a smile on her face. Though, even months after letting go of her mask around her friends, smiling was a bit foreign to her, "I told you at the start of the year, I'm aiming to become the best team mate ever."

"Of all time?"

"Of all time, Ruby." Weiss chuckled. She should put that on a T-Shirt or something,

"Well, Ruby, you should start acting like a leader now. It's usually the Leader covering for her team mates." Blake said as she shut another suitcase. 3 down, 22 to go,

"Don't worry Blake. I won't let anyone stand in our way. We are Team RWBY, the greatest team in all of Beacon!" The rest of the girls sighed. Ever since Ozpin gave them medals for saving Beacon from Torchwick and the Grimm, Ruby has gotten a big head ever since. It didn't help that Ozpin said exactly what Ruby just said,

"Well Ruby, even the greatest team still needs to do stuff by themselves. Like packing. And before you say anything, no. I am not packing for you." Yang said as she sat on her second last bag. Ruby was going to ask Blake but her evil cat glare stopped her and caused her to sigh in defeat. Everyone had her own plans. Ruby was going back to Vale to visit her friends from Signal, Weiss was going to tour the world, singing all the songs she's written. Especially her new one, 'This Will Be The Day' inspired by RWBY. Blake, having nowhere else to go, reluctantly was going with Yang to the beach for a few weeks and then live with Ruby & Yang at Vale. The rest of the time was spent in silence apart from Ruby singing to herself. Though they didn't know, she was actually singing what her mother sung so she would go to sleep when she was young, 'Red like Roses'. After a few more minutes, everything was packed and Team RWBY were ready to leave. Just as Blake was picking up her two bags, she looked out the window,

"Uh, girls?" Blake said as she dropped her luggage, "I don't think we'll be leaving any time soon."

"What are talking about Pussy Cat." Oh, how Blake hated that name Yang gave her when they found out,

"Look out the window." Weiss volunteered and looked,

"I don't see anything." The Heiress stated as she looked out,

"That's the point. Where are the airships." Cue throwing of luggage and looking out the window. Blake was right. All the airships were gone. All put into a special lot for the summer. Meaning that every teacher, even Glenda Goodwitch, were gone.

RWBY was trapped in Beacon for 3 months.

Everything was quiet, as the now trapped team was processing the fact that they couldn't leave until the janitor (who quit his job recently) came. In 4 months.

"W-We're s-s-s-stuck at Beacon." Weiss stuttered,

"For the whole summer." Blake added, "Let's start unpacking." The team slowly nodded and started unpacking their luggage. After they did, Yang took a quick trip to the kitchen and saw (much to her relief) that they had enough food for the coming months if they were smart. Now settled down for the summer, the team decided to train. That lasted about a week before they got bored. So now, they were lounging around. Blake decided to take a cat nap, Weiss was writing to keep herself calm, Yang was pacing and Ruby… was digging to her luggage after gasping 2 hours earlier. After the 5th red cloak hit her face, Yang couldn't take it anymore,

"RUBY!"

"FOUND IT!" Ruby yelled out as she pulled out a stack of old DVDs, "I knew I put this in there." Suddenly, Ruby was aware of the flaming hair of her sister, "Yang?"

"Ruby. What. The. Fucking. Hell. Were. You. Looking. For?" Yang said slowly, trying to keep herself calm and not blow up the room around her. The silence was killing her,

"M-M-Movies. Movies for us to watch." Ruby said, fearing for her life. She held them out and gave them to Yang. There were a number of these. But all of them had the same theme.

Red vs Blue

"What the heck is a 'Red vs Blue'?" Yang said as she looked at all the DVDs,

"That's what I said when I found them! I was looking for spare ammo clips in the basement when I found these. I thought we would get a chance to watch them, as team. Ya know?" Ruby said as she stood up,

"But I thought you didn't work well with people before Beacon." Weiss said, taking a break from writing,

"Well, I thought me & you would watch it together, but since there's Blake and Weiss here too, we may as well watch it with them too." Ruby said as she took back the DVDs. Then she turned on her (What everyone called it apart from Ruby herself) Chibi mode, "Pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eee Yang, please let us watch it." Yang knew she would lose so she gave in and started setting up the DVD player and TV without a word, causing Ruby to cheer like back at Emerald Forest when Weiss came back. Blake woke up soon after and a few minutes later, everyone had popcorn, soda and a HD TV, ready to watch the first DVD.

Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1

"Alright. Everything's set and we're set up for a movie marathon. Ready girls?" Ruby said as she grabbed the remote. Weiss & Blake yelled out yes, finally having something else to do other than sleeping and training. Yang was surprisingly the quiet one, as she looked at the rating on the cover. Her widened when she saw the rating MA+ on all of them. She was about to grab the remote to save Ruby's innocence, but was too late as she had already play.

_Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

"It looks like they're in a canyon of some sort." Blake stated,

"It could be what this DVD said. It could be Blood Gulch." Weiss added in. Ruby was too invested into the movie to say anything,

"And why are they in armor?"

**Simmons:** Hey.

**Grif:** Yeah?

_Cut to Simmons (maroon armor)._

**Simmons:** You ever wonder why we're here?

_Cut to Grif (orange armor)_

**Grif:** It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

The girls started at the screen, "That was,"

"Surprisingly deep." Yang finished for the Heiress, "And I thought this was a comedy."

**Simmons:** ...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

**Grif:** Oh. Uh... yeah.'

"There it is."

**Simmons:** What was all that stuff about God?

**Grif:** Uh...hm? Nothing.

**Simmons:** You wanna talk about it?

**Grif:** No.

**Simmons:** You sure?

**Grif:** Yeah.

**Simmons:** Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

"I wonder why they're in a canyon. And if they have armor and guns, they could be soldiers of some sort. But I've never seen anyone wearing that, even in books." Blake said, but got hushed by Ruby,

**Grif:** Mm hmm.

**Simmons:** The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here.

"Red vs Blue." Ruby whispered, "But why are they fighting?"

**Grif:** Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other.

**Simmons:** No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have _two_ bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.

Yang winced at the swear, even though she swore at Ruby earlier,

"That war is pointless. Unless there's something rare under that canyon, there's no point in fighting." Weiss said as she ate a bit more popcorn.

**Grif:** What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

Everyone in the room thought one thing, 'Who the hell is Master Chief?"

"So it's a Sci-Fi, I'm interested." Blake said as she took a sip of soda,

_Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in aqua armor._

"I'm guessing that's the Blue Team. Seriously, there are only two guys on each team! What kind of army are they running?" Yang said,

_Cut to Tucker (aqua armor)._

**Tucker**: What're they doing?

_Church (cobalt armor) slowly turns around to face Tucker, lowering his rifle._

**Church:** _(aggravated)_ What?

"Oh, someone sounds annoyed." Yang said again, but got shut up by Ruby,

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker**: I said, "What are they doing now?"

_Cut back to Church, who is clearly frustrated._

**Church**: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:** _(defensively)_ You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my di-

_Cut to Church._

**Church**: _(interrupting)_ Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from _now_, when you ask me, "What are they doing?" my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."

The only thought that ran through Blake & Yang's head was, 'It's like watch the boy versions of Ruby & Weiss.'

_Both fall silent._

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker**: What're they talking about?

_Pause, cut to Church._

**Church:** You know what? I fucking hate you.

"I can relate." Weiss muttered, remembering the first time she met Ruby,

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Grif**: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life.. you know, fight them.

"At least someone gets it." Weiss said,

**Simmons**: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

**Sarge**: Ladies, front and center on the double!

**Simmons**: Fuck.

**Grif**: Yes, sir!

"Three against two, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?" Ruby said,

"In war, you have to take advantage of everything you have. The numbers advantage might help them, even though it's a pointless war." Blake said. The RWBYs were now interested in the series, but little did they know, it was going to change their lives.

Just in a way they didn't expect.

Save Game… Quit!

Whew, Chapter 1 is finished! The RWBYs are really in it now. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a song reaction because some of the lyrics of some songs are really funny, and I haven't read one about it. Maybe I should do Come On Carolina at Season 10. Anyway,

UknownHero signing off, my friends.


	3. Chapter 2: Warthogs vs Pumas

Hey, UknownHero here! Welcome to another chapter of RWBY. I0 want to thanks you guys for reviewing and favouriting this story like crazy. Seriously, this fic has more reviews than any of my ones combined. And for those wishing I could update more… sorry. I'm a human being; I have school and homework, so I can really do anything about it. I'll be updating weekly. Not the next day or so, well unless I have a day off or it's the holidays. Anyway, I so happy that people are enjoying my half-assed humour and attempts. And don't worry… I promise this fic will be fucking awesome!

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 2: Puma vs Warthog (Red gets a Delivery)

The team, now interested how the events of Red vs Blue turns out, decided to keep going. Despite the movie looking like something out of an old video game, with Ruby not even caring that it was lunch. Or that fact she hasn't showered since last week. Though, one thought came to mind, "Um… why are those Blue guys using a Sniper Rifle scope to spy? Aren't snipers supposed to, you know, snipe?" This hit the rest of the team like a bag of hungry Beowolves,

"Yeah… they had the perfect position to take out two-thirds of the Red Team. They were either waiting for the right moment, or they're idiots." Blake said as she prepared for the next part. Yang was waiting for any action to start happening. I mean, come on. They're armed to the teeth with guns, enough armour to look like they were robots and from what that guy in actual red armour said, they might have a new weapon of some sort. Or even better, a tank. Weiss, however, saw these soldiers as people you would find on the street, not people who are battle ready or even trained to use a gun. Just people you would find doing stuff in their everyday lives, not stuck in a boxed canyon forced to fight someone because… actually, she had no idea why they were fighting, like the rest of RWBY. She figured that they were fighting because they were at odds. Against each others ideals, and the soldiers in marron and orange armour just didn't give a flying fuck. But it was their job to kill the opposing team, and that's why they were there.

Because two people got pissed at each other and started an all out war for their blood.

Just like 80% of all human vs human wars in Vytal.

Anyway, it was time to play the second episode of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Ruby grabbed the remote and pressed play, though unknown to everyone, it start an argument between them.

_Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (__Sarge__) clad in red armor_.

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

"Okay, I can automatically tell he's one of those drill sergeant types." Yang said as she put her feet up on the table. Everyone pretty much agreed, "And what the hell is and ice-cream social?"

**Simmons**: Ice cream social?

_Simmons and Grif exchange looks._

_Cut to Sarge_.

**Sarge:** Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

"To be your lawfully wedded wife?" Yang joked, until she realised what she just said, "AH! GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS! WHY DID I SAY THAT?!"

**Grif:** Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

**Sarge**: _(mockingly)_ That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

"I guess this guy doesn't like him." Weiss stated as she looked at the Red Leader. She had a feeling this was a drill sergeant. She also found herself a bit offended. She didn't hate Ruby that much when they first met.

Right?

**Grif:** I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

**Sarge:** Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

The team's jaws had dropped by that point, "What did this guy do to make his own Sargent willingly send death threats to his own charge?!" Blake exclaimed, disgusted by how quickly this escalated from sarcasm to assassinating a team mate.

**Simmons:** Oh I'd do it, too.

And how quickly the marron armoured man (now named Simmons) agreed to it.

**Sarge:** I know you would, Simmons. Good man. _(Brief pause)_ Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

"There's only two bases! A RED and BLUE base! Seriously, I doubt this military's IQ right now." Weiss was about to say more but got shut up by Ruby, who had enough interruptions.

**Grif:** Crap. We're getting a rookie.

**Sarge:** That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we recieved the first part of our shipment from Command.

_Grif and Simmons exchange looks again._

_Sarge turns towards a hill behind them_.

**Sarge:** Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

"FOUR AGAINST TWO?! WHO THE HELL IS RUNNING THE BLUE ARMY?!" Ironically, Ruby yelled that.

_A large, armour-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the driver_s _seat_, _who pulls up along side the Reds._

**Simmons:** Shotgun!

**Grif:** Shotgun! _(realizes he is too late)_ Fuck.

This reminded Ruby & Yang fighting over the front seat of Qrow's car. When they were 7 and 9 respectively. Blake & Weiss couldn't believe how immature these soldiers are. They should be in their twenties, thirties by now even.

**Sarge**: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

_Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it._

Yang was definitely interested in the new vehicle. She actually wondered if they actually built one in real life. But she knew that it would be impossible to have one, probably costing millions of dollars. Especially if she wanted that, "Hey, is that a turret?"

**Sarge:** It has four inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. (Yang was practically drooling at the thought of driving one) Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Simmons:** Why Warthog, sir?

Ruby and her team were wondering that too.

_Cut to Sarge_.

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:** I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Half of Team RWBYT had to agree to that. The others didn't. We'll find out whom in a second.

**Sarge**: _(after a brief pause)_ Say that again.

**Grif:** I think it looks more like a puma.

"You know, it actually kinda does." Weiss muttered, unintentionally agreeing with Yang.

**Sarge:** What in Sam Hell is a puma?

The team just stared. One question ran through their heads, "How long has he been in the army?"

**Simmons:** Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

"There's a shoe company called Puma?" Blake asked herself. It was a better fit for a shoe company than a car in her (and Ruby's) opinion.

**Grif:** No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

**Sarge:** You're making that up.

This is the point where RWBY realised what was wrong. The army was being led by a stereotypical, senile old man who should be in a retirement home by now. Or a mental asylum. They shuddered at the thought of what kind of Leader Blue Team's leader was like.

**Grif:** I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

**Sarge:** Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

No, scratch that. They feared the thought of someone worse than Sarge.

**Simmons:** Yes, sir!

And a guy like Simmons following him. May God realise his mistake of putting these two together.

**Sarge:** _(pointing at the front of the Warthog)_ Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:** A walrus.

**Sarge:** Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

By now, Ruby figured out that the Red Team was screwed if they continued to be led by this guy. Actually, she thought about changing her colours now. Whi-no. It would remind her of 'her'. Blue maybe?

_Cut to a view of the Reds through the__sniper rifle__scope._

"TAKE THE SHOT ALREADY!" Yang yelled out. She was getting frustrated that the Blues still haven't even made the first move. I mean, they had a shooting gallery of Reds right now. If she was there, she would definitely kick some ass and bring them to their knees for sure.

_Cut to Church, wielding the rifle, and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol._

**Tucker:** What is that thing?

_Church lowers the rifle._

**Church:** I don't know, man. Looks like uh… looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

**Tucker:** _(taken aback)_ A car? How come they get a car?!

**Church:** What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

"A Tank?" Yang squealed. She had a mini-orgasm at the word alone. She would do anything to ride in that thing…

**Tucker:** _(disappointed)_ You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Okay, not that desperate, "Is this guy a Casanova or something?" Weiss questioned. Ruby, having no idea what a Casanova was, figured she would ask Yang or Blake after the first DVD is over.

**Church:** Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

**Tucker:** _(sighs)_ What kind of car is it?

**Church:** _(looking through the scope of the__sniper rifle__)_ I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

**Tucker:** ...What, like a puma?

**Church:** Yeah, man, there you go.

It was official. Red Team Sucks. Suck it Red. SUCK IT!

_Cut to Red Team._

**Sarge:** So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

**Grif:** No, sir. No more suggestions.

**Sarge:** Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

**Grif:** It's okay.

**Sarge:** Unicorn?

"Okay, this is just getting sad now." Blake said.

**Grif:** No really. Uh, I'm cool.

**Sarge:** Sasquatch?

**Simmons:** Leprechaun?

"Kiss ass." Ruby muttered, surprising the hell out of her team.

**Grif:** Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

**Sarge:** Phoenix?

**Grif:** (sighs) Christ.

**Sarge:** Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

**Simmons:** Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.

**Sarge:** Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.

"Well… that was interesting." Yang said as she stretched a bit,

"Interesting? How are these men soldiers?!" Weiss exclaimed as she flailed her arms around.

"Yeah. Anyway, what do you think about the Puma?" Yang asked innocently,

"It's called a Warthog, Yang." Blake corrected her in her own logic,

"Yeah. Blake's right. Anyway it does have a ring to it." Ruby said as she got the next episode ready,

"Wrong Ruby. It looks like a Puma." Weiss said,

"No, it's a Warthog." Team Warthog (Ruby & Blake) retorted,

"No, it's a Puma!" Team Puma (Weiss & Yang) yelled back.

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"WARTHOG!"

"PUMA!"

"IT'S A FUCKING WARTHOG, YANG!"

"Oh yeah, Pussy Cat? You and what army?"

"Yang, my dear sweet sister, it is a Warthog." Ruby said slowly, while smiling as she pulled out Crescent Rose,

"No, our great leader. It's a Puma." Weiss said, copying Ruby and pulling out Myrtenaster,

"Okay girls, this might be going too far." Blake said, trying to play peacemaker. That doesn't mean she didn't pull out Embol Shroud.

"Blake Belladonna. IT'S A PUMA!" Yang yelled out as she activated Ember Celica. Thus, beginning the fight that will be forever known as 'The Nameless War'. Or to them 'Warthog vs Puma'.

Save Game… Quit!

Ah… the sweet awesomeness of a new chapter. Anyway, thanks for reading, and review. REVIEW OR ELSE I'LL STOP!

Joking… OR AM I?!

UknownHero signing off, my friends!

Oh, and thank you to the Red vs Blue wiki for providing the dialogue.


	4. Chapter 3: Enter the Idiots

Hey, apparently King UknownHero (yeah… thank SmilingJester for that) here and I have some free time now, may as well write up another chapter. Now first off, I want to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. I mean, 35 reviews! Thanks for that! Now, for those who want Team JNPR in the fic, well… they are, just not with the RWBYs. A Team JNPR chapter is coming up; I'm just deciding how they'll appear. They'll be reacting to the Red vs Blue songs. Anyway, let's see the result of the Pumas vs Warthogs fight! Plus, some back story!

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 3: Enter the Idiots! (The Rookies)

After the girls finished their 'argument', they decided that the name of the jeep the Red team didn't matter and that it was a completely pointless argument.

"GET DOWN AND PLAY, PUSSY CAT!"

"With you and your Shot-gauntlets? NO WAY!"

"IT'S A WARTHOG, WEISS!"

"FUCK YOU, RUBY ROSE!"

Okay, maybe it got worse. Anyway, fast forward a couple hours later (and a trashed Teacher's Lounge) and they finally settled down. Surprisingly, they looked perfectly fine. The room, however, couldn't be called the same, "Why the hell did we do that?" Weiss muttered as she pulled herself out of the rubble, caused by a combination of Ruby's & Yang's weapons,

"Maybe we spent too much time together already." Blake answered as she finally got down from the roof, not soon after, the part of the roof she was hanging onto collapsed behind her,

"Yeah, Pussy Cat might be right. I say we take a break before we watch another episode." Yang suggested as she tried to get her head out of Ozpin's personal coffee pot (it's a big pot),

"So it's decided! RWBY will be taking a vacation from each other!" Ruby declared, "Now, can someone help me down? I think my cloak got caught on a nail."

"Um, Ruby, I think your cloak is over there." Weiss said as she pointed to the (somehow) near-mint red cloak… that was hanging right in front of her, just out of her reach.

"That's the point Weiss!" Ruby said as she flailed around, trying to get her prized possession. For those wondering where Ruby was actually hanging from, let's just say it was somewhere uncomfortable and private.

After getting their leader down, they spent the rest of the day doing something that doesn't involve their team mates in any way. Ruby had to repair her cloak, Weiss was in the music room, Blake decided to take a walk around Beacon (as in hide in the shadows and read her favourite book, Ninjas of Love 2: Kunai in your Shuriken-True Stealth Edition) and Yang needed to train. While she was training, Yang thought about what she's seen so far. Even if it was only two episodes, it bothered her. What were the goals of the Red & Blue Teams? Why they there because of their job? Was it because they truly hated each other? And what the hell did Grif do to piss off his Sargent to the point of attempted murder? These were questions that Yang didn't want to know. There was enough hatred and problems in the Vytal.

At least enough to take her away from her parents.

She never really told anyone part from Uncle Qrow but she actually ran away from home at a young age. She never liked them to begin with, then there were the strict rules, the occasional beating for a small mistake, being forced to be a lawyer or some shit like that, and worst of all, KEEPING HER HAIR SHORT!

SHORT!

After her first haircut, she has been planning to run away since then. Though, she was 4. So the only resources she had were the internet and movies. Then one year later, she waited until they were both at a business meeting for the whole day before packing all the food she could, clothes and other possessions she had before leaving the house and never looking back. Though, it was rough. She was planning to go to Vale, which took a full year to do. During her journey, she taught herself some hand-to-hand combat to defend herself long enough to get away from anyone searching for her since she never brought a weapon with her. And since back then her hair kept getting in the way of her sight so (sadly) she had to cut it often. And not to mention the Grimm. If she wasn't getting constantly saved by a Hunter & Huntress (Going by the name of Wilt & Blush), she probably wouldn't have made it to Vale in one piece. After sneaking in, she saw a newspaper with her picture on it. She quickly stole it and started crying at the Headline.

Search for Yang Xiao Long called off. Parents died in plane crash.

She read the article and found out that they were spending everything they had; I do mean EVERYTHING, to find her. Actively searching, going across the entire planet. She discovered that her treatment in the past wasn't her parents. Rather, her grandparents. She didn't realize she was living with her grandparents while her actual parents were out hunting Grimm the whole time. They gave her to them so she could be safe and cared for.

Worst judgement call ever. Of all time.

Anyway, from then on, she wanted to be a Huntress. For Wilt & Blush (who she never seen again) and her late parents. After crying in a dark alleyway for what seemed like hours, someone touched her shoulder. When she looked up, she saw a 3 year old girl with a red cloak ask if she was okay. Yang smiled at the memory of meeting her adopted sister for the first time. She took her to her uncle who was taking Ruby out for the day and was reading the newspaper about her parents. As soon as he recognised her, the next thing she knew she was a part of a new family. 3 years later, Ruby came through her bedroom door with her luggage and what were the only things she had left of her mother & father: a scythe blade and a scope broken from a sniper rifle.

She was pulled out of her memories when she heard her phone ring, saying that it was a good idea to get to bed. She quickly wiped away the tears and started running to her team's dorm. She felt proud of herself. Following in her parent's footsteps, being able to beat up hordes of goons without breaking a sweat, being part of a great team, having a lot of friends and being hot to boot. She thought, no, she knew that if they were here they would've been proud of her. When she got there, she found out she was the first one to arrive. She just yawned and quickly changed into her pyjamas before climbing up to her bunk (which was still being held up by Blake's 'special' book collection) and slept, dreaming of beating up Sarge while setting him on fire while running him over with the Puma. Uh… Warthog. Ah screw it, Chupathingy.

(NEXT DAY!)

As soon as everyone woke up, Ruby got out of bed, changed, skipped having a shower and in a matter of seconds, a HD TV appeared in the room, "Alright! TV's set up and ready to watch more RED VS BLUE!" Ruby said as she grabbed the remote,

"Ugh… Ruby, it's 2am." Weiss muttered, before realizing what time it was, "IT'S 2AM, RUBY!"

"Yes, and…?"

"We only slept for 3 hours, Ruby. We need at least 8 hours of sleep everyday." The half Fauna said as she got off her bed. She knew Ruby was never going to let them get back to sleep so she decided to change into her day clothes. Yang knew too as she was already in the bathroom, grooming her hair, "Fuck." Blake cursed, knowing how long Yang takes; remembering the time Ruby had too many cookies and milk before bed and had to wait and hour or so for her sister to finish moisturising her hair. And not wanting to be late, had to wait another 6 before she finally got relieved. It wasn't a good day to be Ruby Rose, but that's for another story.

"But I really, REALLY want to see who the Rookies are." Ruby begged, turning Chibi mode on again. The girls wondered how Ruby was able to look like a mini-anime character, but with Ruby being so fucking cute they didn't care. After everyone changed and got a chair, Ruby pressed play.

_Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armour (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them._

**Simmons:** Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

**Grif:** Yes, it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

**Donut:** Excuse me, uh, sirs.

**Grif:** Sirs? _(turns to Donut)_ Ah crap.

**Donut:** I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

"I guess that's the Rookie." Blake said to herself "Though, it's going to be strange having two people in red armour."

**Grif:** Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

"Thank god." The RWBYs said before sighing in relief. They didn't want another face palming session,

**Simmons:** Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

**Grif:** You are such a kiss-ass.

"That's what I said!" Ruby yelled out, still surprising the hell out of the rest of the team,

**Simmons:** Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... _(clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge)_ "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

"Perfect impression by Simmons. 10 points!" Yang said,

**Grif:** That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

"Of all time." Weiss muttered. She really want to put this thing on a T-Shirt.

**Simmons:** Okay rookie, what's your story?

**Donut:** Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

The girls stared at the screen, "Di-Did he just s-say 'Donut'?" Ruby asked, trying to hold in the laughter, "W-Who na-name's their kid D-Donut?" No one answered her question though, as the rest of them were trying to hold back too.

**Grif:** Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armour colour?

**Donut:** This IS the standard issue red.

**Grif:** Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armour: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

**Donut:** _(looks at Simmons)_ Well, he's wearing red armour.

**Simmons:** No, my armour is maroon. Your armour is red.

"Same difference." Weiss said, not caring at all about their armour colour. It was just there to tell them apart.

**Donut:** Well, how do I get a different colour armour?

**Simmons:** I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

_Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank_.

By now, Yang was hyperventilating, "Th-The size of that cannon…"

"Calm down, Yang. It's just a tank." Blake tried to reason, but knew it was futile. She wanted to drive it as well.

**Caboose:** So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Then the RWBYs hearts stopped, "Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"God." The RWBYs said in their classic order,

"The B-Blue guy sounded just like,"

"Our history teacher. Yes." Blake finished for Ruby. Though, it was hard to recognise. The could actually understand what this guy was saying.

**Tucker:** Hey, kid.

**Caboose:** Yeah?

**Tucker:** You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

"Yes, kid! Shut up and enjoy your stupid tank!" Yang sobbed anime tears while Weiss awkwardly comfort the fiery blond.

**Caboose:** Oh. Okay. You got it man!

**Church:** You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Cue Yang full on crying on Weiss' shoulder, 'Help Me.' She mouthed,

'No.' The remaining team members of RWBY mouthed back.

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:** Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

**Grif:** I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

**Simmons:** We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

**Donut:** Absolutely!

"Oh... what is it going to be? An assassination mission? A test drive of the Puma? Actually doing something?!" Yang yelled out, switching back to her cheery self,

"It's a Warthog, Yang!" Blake yelled to her partner,

"Puma!"

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"WARTHOG!"

"PUMA!"

"ENOUGH!" Weiss yelled out, getting fed up with the Warthogs vs Puma thing, "I've had enough of this fucking thing about Warthogs & Pumas! Ruby, decide the new name for the Jeep." This stopped time around them. Ruby looked surprised, Weiss was impatiently tapping her foot, Blake smirked like she knew Ruby's answer and Yang looked into her sister's eyes with pleading eyes. Red pleading eyes, a promise of pain, but pleading never the less. Ruby looked thoughtful for a moment before she came to a conclusion.

"CHUPATHINGY!" Cue the others falling down, anime style, "And that's final unless you're volunteering to help me with Crescent Rose!" Blake & Yang shivered, remembering the last time she 'volunteered' someone to help with her baby. Let's just say that he'll be living in a hole for a while. Fun Fact: What ever creature Professor Port captures is affectionately named Edgar by the students, named after the famous Hunter Sir Edgar Jack Ryan the 138,593,223rd. They were really big family, not creative on names. Anyway, Yang was finally invested into Red vs Blue. Finally, action, blood, guns, tanks… she looked down and blushed,

"Damn it, not again…"

**Simmons:** We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

"Wait, what?" Ruby said, confused,

**Grif:** Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

"Does headlight fluid exist?" Ruby asked Blake. Blake shook her head no. Yang sighed,

"So much for action…"

"Oh, and for Weiss & Yang," Blake said as she stood up, "TAKE THAT, BITCHES!"

**Donut:** The what?

**Simmons:** He means the Warthog.

"Take what, Pussy Cat?" Yang taunted. Blake cursed and sat back down,

**Grif:** You do know where the store is, right, rookie?

**Donut:** What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

**Simmons:** Well, get going then.

_Donut starts running across the base._

**Grif:** Other way.

_Donut turns around and goes the other way._

**Donut:** I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

The RWBYs sighed, "So much for smart people…" Weiss muttered,

_Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch._

**Simmons:** How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

**Grif:** I say.. at least a week.

"Come on, no one's that du-actually, I would take that action." Yang said,

_Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself_.

**Donut:** Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am? (The RWBYs had hope again for the Reds) Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant (And that hope vanished at that sentence).

_Cut to the Blues._

**Tucker:** You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

This made Weiss a bit angry. She was disgusted by this guy's behaviour so far. And no way can this guy get a girl, legitimately at least.

**Church:** Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

**Tucker:** Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

That sentence offended the girls. How dare he compare women to, to, a MULTIPLYER IN A VIDEO GAME! Though, the only one who didn't get angry (that much) was Blake, who was blushing and remembering the time Kasumi and her sister, Natsumi, had to… 'No, must… be… angry… not… think… about… three-way…' though, the others mistaken Blake's blush (and sweating) for being red with anger.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Simmons:** You think that we were too mean to the kid?

"At least someone is sympathetic." Weiss said, calming down a bit,

**Grif:** Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

_Donut approaches Blue Base_.

**Donut:** Finally, there it is. ..Oh sweet! They sell tanks!

There was only thought that ran through the minds of team RWBY: "Donut is fucked."

Save Game… Quit!

Remember: Read & Review and make sure you have people by your side! I don't why I just wrote that but I don't care! Also, can you spot the RT references throughout this fic? Hint: Caboose's Answer to and economics problem.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	5. Chapter 4: That 'Special' Someone

Hey! UknownHero here and my god! So. Many. Reviews. So close to 50, just a few more… though by the time I finish this chapter, it'll probably be at fifty. So I'm hoping to get 100 reviews soon. Anyway, I'm glad people are enjoying this fic. Now for the news: The spin-offs. If you're expecting me to do the PSAs, no. I will not. The mini-series though will be written in. But not just that. I'll be putting every episode of the mini-series into ONE BIG CHAPTER. It might take a while but I think I can pull it off. Now for some concerns. To a random guest: I wanted Yang to have a better connection with Ruby, and you'll see why soon. Don't worry; the others will be as vague as possible. Apart from an AU-past Yang, the RWBYs are basically the same and speculated on the wiki. And what really count are their personalities. To SmilingJester: I'll be doing up to Season 10 because I feel it wraps up the Red vs Blue story nicely. Sorry Nick479, Freckles will not be reacted to. And yes angel88441, it does suck to be Donut, especially when he gets his light-ish red amour. And for everyone wanting me to update more, refer to Chapter 2: Warthogs vs Pumas. Though, I can kinda screw over the weekly thing if I don't have homework, and I have to admit this fic is really easy to write. Anyway, sorry for the long intro card, so let's get straight into the action!

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 4: That 'Special' Someone (Head Noob in Charge)

"Donut is so fucked." Yang muttered, though her team mates could her clearly, "He's going into enemy territory, and he doesn't even know who he's dealing with."

"Yang, you just described you." Ruby told her adopted sister, "Don't you remember what happened at the night club?"

"Oh come on Ruby, just because I needed information,"

"You knocked out everyone in that club, and didn't even get anything from them!"

"Okay, it was a bad judgement call, but,"

"You blew our first stealth mission too." Blake said, still pissed at her. Who would in their right mind would charge into a warehouse, fists a-blazing, beating up everyone in the room and causing millions of len worth of damage? And that was before the rest of RWBY got there. They were supposed to sneak in and sneak someone out of the building, which was crawling with Torchwick's goons. Yang didn't really listen to the briefing, so she did what she did. Though, dragging the unconscious body of Professor Ozpin's coffee guy didn't look good on their team evaluation that was later that year, "You don't even know what 'subtle' means, anyway."

"Yes I do!" Yang yelled at her partner before thinking, "I-it means… uh…"

"Point proven." Blake smirked at her partner's struggle to define the word, "Anyway, next episode?"

"Oh ho, I am definitely watching this train wreck." Weiss said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

_Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing next to the tank outside Blue Base_.

**Church:** Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

"He has a girlfriend?" Yang said, surprised that someone in that canyon had someone waiting for his return, "Wow, I guess he must be a good guy if he has one."

"Oh… I really hope they have their happy ending." Ruby said with a sparkle in her eyes, "Even if it means murdering the Reds." They knew Ruby loved fantasy stories, but she loved romance even more. If she ever said that, well… let's just say you better not break up with him/her. The rest of RWBY knew this personally, especially when Weiss broke up with some guy named Monty. He was never seen again.

**Tucker:** Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

**Church:** No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works.

Ruby sighed. She read too many soldier love stories to say that he either makes it back or… no, she wouldn't tell herself that. Love will conquer all.

**Tucker:** Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?

**Caboose:** I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"What?" Weiss & Yang growled. Blake was disgusted as well, but Ruby… she had no idea what the blue guy was implying.

**Church:** Hey, rookie.. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

**Tucker:** No, I think he called her a slut!

"I think the Mystery Blue Guy's dad called her a slut." Yang said, angry at this man's teachings, "I swear, if I find him…"

**Church:** I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

"What's a noob?" Ruby asked Yang,

"A noob is a player of a video game that has no past experience with or just plain horrible at that game." Weiss, surprisingly, answered,

"Uh… how did you know that?" Yang asked the Dust User. Weiss blushed and looked away. She did not want to tell her experiences at the land of online play.

**Caboose:** Great.

**Church:** See, we've got this General.

**Tucker:** Right, the General guy.

**Church:** ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

"I think he's doing what Grif did to Donut." Blake said, feeling kinda bad for the rookie. He didn't mean it. It was his dad that needed to be castrated. While Blake thought this, her partner took back her comment on Cobalt Sniper.

**Caboose:** When is he coming by?

**Tucker:** We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

**Caboose:** You want me to stand at attention for a week?

"Please be smart, please be smart, please be smart…" The RWBYs desperately hoped.

**Church:** You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

**Caboose:** What's so important about the flag?

**Church:** Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

**Caboose:** They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

**Church:** Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

**Tucker:** Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue.

Then it hit them.

Red.

Blue.

Flag.

Capture the Flag.

"THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS WAR IS TO CAPTURE A FUCKING FLAG?!" Weiss yelled out, infuriated at the fact they were risking their lives for a piece of cloth. Blake couldn't believe it too. They had guns. Real, deadly, high-powered guns. And they've been using them for a team exercise the RWBYs & JNPRs have done since the first day at Beacon? It was, what was the word, fucking insane to the point of mental illness.

"B-But, but," Yang couldn't process the fact the military spent millions on weapons, armour, fucking tanks, for capturing a flag. It was like Ruby killing everyone in Beacon to protect her 'secret' cookie supply. Which Ruby would actually do. Ruby, however, took it the best.

She fainted.

**Church:** It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

**Tucker:** Right.

**Church:** So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

_Caboose turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around._

**Caboose:** Uh, how will I know when I see him?

**Tucker:** There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

"I don't even want to be apart of this 'war' if I was there." Blake said while Yang was still saying 'but' and Weiss was waking up their oh-so-fucking-great Leader.

**Church:** Now get in there, and don't come out! _(turns to Tucker)_ Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

**Tucker:** You mean he's dumber than you are.

**Church:** Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.

_Caboose emerges from the base with Church and Tucker in the distance._

**Caboose:** Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?

"He's not a saint, he's a fucking sinner!" Ruby yelled out, knocking Weiss her ass. Though, the RWBYs noticed the Blue Guy's sorry voice, strangely calming them down and getting them back to normal.

**Church:** Oh my god, WHAT!? _(turns to Tucker)_ Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

**Caboose:** Sorry about calling your girl a slut...

**Church:** ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!

They couldn't help but feel sorry for the rookie. He did mean well.

**Tucker:** _(turns around to laugh)_ Uh-huh huh huh huh!

**Church:** _(turns around to face Tucker's back)_ Tucker, are you laughing at me?

_Donut steps up behind Church_.

**Donut:** Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

**Church: **Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

"Uh… isn't that Donut?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

**Donut:** What did I do?

**Church:** One...

**Donut:** Aw, gimme a break.

**Church:** TWO!

**Donut:** Fine!

_Donut runs in the base and walks up to Caboose._

**Caboose:** Wow, you got here fast!

**Donut:** Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?

"BECAUSE THEIR STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLES SPENDING EVERY FUCKING HOUR PROTECTING A STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, YOU FUCKING CUNT!" Weiss yelled out, surprising the hell out of her team mates. Reds and Blues must've pissed her off really well. So much for being the perfect heiress.

**Caboose:** I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?

"Well, at least someone isn't." Weiss said, finally calming down. Though, she noticed that there was ice everywhere and her team mates were either frozen from the neck down or having her ass frozen to the ceiling, "Uh… sorry?"

"Get. Me. Down." Blake slowly said as she felt her blood rushing to her head, and her ass slowly getting frostbite. After getting everyone out of the ice and taking away Myrtenaster from Weiss, Yang resumed the episode.

**Donut:** Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

**Caboose:** Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this... _(turns toward the flag)_

**Donut:** Wait, is this all you have?

**Caboose:** Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

**Donut:** Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

**Caboose:** Uhmm...

**Donut:** Headlight fluid?

"Sponsor of RWBY. Headlight fluid, go fuck yourself." Yang said, not caring that Ruby was thinking if she should create headlight fluid. Or elbow grease. She could see it now: 'Rose's Headlight Fluid, top up to brighten your day in the blackest night.'

**Caboose:** No. All we have is this flag.

**Donut:** Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.

**Caboose:** Sure, that makes sense. I guess.

"Wait, hold on. The Blue rookie just gave the flag to the Reds, who probably haven't even seen it." Blake stated. The RWBYs were really questioning the very existence of the Red & Blue armies. The others were thinking along the same lines as well.

**Donut:** _(leaving with the flag) _Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

"He really should." Yang said. She still couldn't believe they got a tank to capture a flag. Why couldn't Beacon buy a tank, 'Just a little one, with a 40 foot cannon and incendiary missliles, maybe?'

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church: **Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

**Tucker:** Me? I can't drive that thing.

**Church:** You're telling me you're not Armour Certified?

**Tucker:**I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

**Church:** No! ...Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?

"Our thoughts exactly." Ruby said, speaking for her team.

**Caboose:** _(emerging from the base)_ Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!

**Church:** _(to Caboose)_ Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron! _(to Tucker)_ Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?

The RWBYs had to sit back and let their minds rest… for a few seconds as Yang had one thought on her mind, 'FINALLY, THERE'S GOING TO BE ACTION!' She thought as she pressed play for the next episode.

Save Game… Quit!

Make sure to leave your concerns in your review. I check them daily so if you have any problems with this fic, they'll be put into consideration. Hell, you might even give me a new idea like ShadowMario3 for inspiring me to put JNPR in song reactions. HAVE A GOOD DAY, EVERYBODY AND MAY YOU NEVER GIVE UP!

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	6. Chapter 5: Protect or Die!

Hey! You know me, the UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of RWBY! Wow, this fic got 50 reviews and over 2500 views in… am I reading this right? 5 DAYS?! Can someone correct me because I have no idea this fic would get this popular in a short amount of time. Oh well, thanks for the reviews and make sure if you have any concerns about this fic, put it there as I check my reviews daily. Anyway… shall we begin the stupidity that is the Red & Blue Teams?

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 5: Protect or Die! (Package in the Open)

For once in Ruby, Weiss and Blake's lives have they experienced the true meaning of a few words.

Stupid.

Meaningless.

Fucked.

And finally, 'YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!'

For Yang however, she didn't care about those words right now. She focused on the action that was finally about to happen. The glory of war and, of course, SOMEONE FUCKING USING THE TANK! Though, she felt sad at the possibility that they wouldn't.

Stupid military.

But she put these thoughts aside as she grabbed the remote and pressed play.

_Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing on top of Blue Base._

"What the hell, Yang?" Blake said, snapping out of her thoughts finding the creators of the Red & Blue Teams, "I don't think we're ready for another episode."

"Blake, don't worry. It should be quick. Anyway, I kinda want to finish this season by the end of the day." Yang admitted, "Do you think we can make it to season… 10?"

"S-Sure. We have nothing better to do anyway." Ruby said, deciding to sit on the floor for the rest of the season,

*Sigh* "Well, the episodes are only 3 to 4 minutes long, what's the worst that could happen?" Weiss said. The rest of the RWBYs stared at her, "What?"

"Nothing!" They said quickly. They hoped to god that she didn't go alpha ice queen again. Mostly Blake though, her ass still felt numb.

**Church:** Let me get this straight.. You gave this guy our flag?

**Caboose:** Is that bad?

**Church:** Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?

"Wait, didn't Church technically let Donut into the base?" Ruby asked. The team had to agree. If Church turned around, he probably would've killed Donut with his Sniper Rifle.

**Tucker:** There, there he is.

**Church:** _(looking through the sniper rifle)_ Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

**Tucker:** He must be one smart son of a bitch.

"A son of a bitch who has no fucking clue of what he's actually doing." Yang said.

_Cut to Donut looking around the canyon_.

**Donut:** Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?

"And that just proves my point." Yang sighed and face palmed,

"How can he lose his own base? Literally, there only two bases and he can't find the one coloured red?" Weiss said. She felt like this was going to be a common thing in the very near future.

_Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose._

**Church:** Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armour. It's red.

**Tucker:** Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant.

"Idiots." Blake muttered. Though, he was wearing standard issue armour and could be easily mistaken for Sarge, so she thought she shouldn't be that mean. She still thinks that they're idiots though.

**Church:** Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences.

**Caboose:** Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

"It's official. The Blue Guy is the smartest in Blue Team." Ruby said, not believing veterans would make such, uh… rookie mistakes, 'Oh god, I'm turning into Yang.'

**Tucker:** Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

**Church:** Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge.

_Cut to Donut as Church shoots four times but misses._

The RWBYs couldn't believe it, "How could he miss 4 times?" Ruby asked, wondering why Church broke the first rule of sniping: Don't miss. She had it beat into her head for years and this man, who probably had more experience with a Sniper Rifle than her, would suck at shooting. Hell, even Yang was better than this guy… she just wouldn't hit the right target and when it did… let's just say never let Yang own a Sniper Rifle and was near a certain gender, "That is the worst display of sniping I've ever seen."

"Uh… I thought I was?" Yang asked, though pretty happy that there was someone worse than her,

"It probably explains why he didn't take the shot." Blake theorised, "He probably would've alerted them."

**Donut**: _(crouching)_ Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church:** Aw crap.

**Tucker:** ...

**Church:** _(turns to Tucker)_ ...What?

**Tucker:** You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?

"He is the worst sniper I've ever seen." Ruby said,

"How many Snipers _have _you seen." Weiss asked,

"Two." Ruby said sadly. Though most people would think that Ruby was upset because she barely saw anyone use a Sniper Rifle, Weiss, Blake and Yang knew what she really meant.

Qrow & her dad.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:** _(shouting at Blue Base while waving the flag)_ Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:** Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing.

"I think they were already embarrassed." Weiss said. She was doubting that the Cobalt Sniper (if he could even be called that) even used a Sniper Rifle before.

**Church:** Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

"They have teleporters?" Blake said, even more surprised that the Blue's military command would spend even more money on a training exercise, "Wow, they really want that flag." Blake couldn't resist and face palmed, disappointed that an army would go so far for something so trivial.

**Caboose:** Right!

**Church:** Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

**Tucker:** There is no way I'm going through that thing.

**Church:** Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

**Tucker:** I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

"He's got a point, actually." Ruby said. Yang was still sad that there won't be Tank-on-Chupathingy action.

**Church:** We already tested the teleporter, remember?

**Tucker:** We threw rocks through it!

**Church:** Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?

**Tucker:** Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

"I think it's called 'Soot', Tucker." Yang said.

**Church:** Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff.

**Tucker:** Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

"Scaredy Cat." Ironically, Blake muttered. Though no one knew, she was afraid of ghost and that was the reason she didn't want to go trick-or-treating with the RWBYs. Plus she would make out with a ghost before she would wear a werewolf costume.

**Church:** Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. _(raising his gun at Tucker)_

**Tucker:** You wouldn't...

**Church:** You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

"He wouldn't do that, would he?" Yang asked. They shrugged. Church wouldn't have killed Tucker. He would probably miss anyway.

**Tucker:** For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.

**Church:** Duly noted. Now get in there.

**Tucker:** Crap... Alright. One, two...

_Tucker runs through and doesn't appear on the other side._

"Tip for the future: Never use teleporters." Weiss said, knowing that the Schnee Scientist were working on ways to use Dust to create teleport people, 'The Way of the Future' they said. The others quickly agreed.

**Caboose:** ...Huh, he didn't come out the other side...

**Church:** Yeeaahhh, I've uh- I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

_Church runs off the base to chase Donut_.

**Church:** Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

_Cut to Simmons and Grif._

**Simmons:** I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

"Maybe Simmons' hearing is… shot." Yang punned. The others groaned, especially Ruby, "Oh come on, guys! It wasn't that bad!"

"Make one more pun, and we'll have no choice but to permanently shut you up." Blake threatened. The only down-side to being Yang Xiao Long's partner is that you have to deal with her puns on a daily basis. Blake thought that Yang should change her last name to 'Yang Xiao Pun'. Though, she shuddered at all those pun possibilities.

**Grif:** _(sighs)_ I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.

"Wait a second, that was only three." Weiss stated.

**Simmons:** Wait a second, that's only three bams.

They others stared at the Schnee Heiress, "Not. A word." Weiss said slowly. Even without her Dust Rapier, don't mess with the fucking princess.

**Grif:** Bam. _(sees Church through a sniper rifle)_ Wait a second; we've got a Blue guy on the move out there.

**Simmons:** Where's he headed?

**Grif:** _(looks to the left)_ Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something... _(zooms in)_ It looks like... _(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_...Simmons, get the Warthog.

Yang & Blake were about to say something, but Weiss & Ruby glared at them, "Chupathingy." Ruby simply said. Yang didn't looked into Ruby's eyes, but Blake unfortunately did. Let's just say Ruby isn't called the Chibi-Grimm Reaper for nothing.

**Simmons:** Heh, you mean the Puma?

**Grif:** Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

"The Reds bringing the Pu-I mean Chupathingy!" Yang said, quickly saving herself from Ruby's trademark 'Death Stare of Cuteness'. Last she did, she couldn't help but say 'aw'… while picturing Ruby using her as target practice, "Right, Pussy Cat? Pussy Cat? Blake? Oh fuck…"

Save Game… Quit!

I might post up another chapter soon since I have nothing better to do.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	7. Chapter 6: How to

Hey, UknownHero here! Here's that other chapter I promised. I just writing that much, though I would like to keep it a hobby, thank you. I like how other authors are reviewing this, which made stories I've actually read. Anyway, time for another chapter of RWBY!

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 6: How to… (1.21 Giga-Whats?)

Weiss wasn't having a good summer.

Instead of being on a tour, singing, where she can finally be herself, she was stuck at Beacon Academy. First, she had been woken up her Team Leader, at 2am, mind you, had flipped out to the point of unknowingly activating her Ice Dust, had her weapon taken away from her, had to watch a group of idiots in a canyon arguing about shit and protecting flag 24/7 and now Blake, the smartest out of all of them, has been caught in Ruby's Death Stare of Cuteness (apparently actually trademarked).

And guess who had to snap her out of it.

"Couldn't Yang do it?" Weiss said, staring at the frozen girl, "Or better, Ruby?"

"I would be glad to… but last time I did it, well…" Yang didn't finish the sentence, remembering what happened to the poor guy. He went permanently stupid for the rest of his life. Though, Yang was having trouble remembering his name, 'Ga-Gayve? Grundle? Gavino? Nah, that's not even close. I'll figure it out later.', "And Ruby… uh…"

"O-Oh! Right…" Weiss realized. She remembers how Jaune (and Team JNPR in general) avoided Ruby until their hearing (and a bit of their sanity) came back, "Ugh, fine. But if I die, it's all on you two." Weiss said as she picked up an icicle shard from the floor, which was left over from her blow out and, cautiously, used it to touch Blake's cheek. The Cat girl was still frozen, still processing Ruby's book of torture methods being practiced on her. Right now, they were getting pretty unique, "Come on Blake! WAKE UP!" Weiss yelled at the Half-Fauna as she slapped the her as hard as she could. It still didn't snap her out of her trance,

"St-Stop t-t-touching me, Ru-Ruby…" Blake murmured, almost like she was _enjoying_ it. This caused the non-affected RWBYs take a step back from the frozen Fauna. Weiss was trying to think of another way to snap Blake out of her trance, when she finally remembered. She quickly went and searched under Blake's pillow and found it.

Ninjas of Love 3: The Foxy Hanyou Origins

The last copy in existence.

"Blake… look what I go-" Weiss never got to finish her sentence as a black blur rushed past her and was going around the room, exiting the room and then finally settling down back into her chair. Weiss just realized that the book was gone and Blake's bed was a total mess, "Good to have you back to Vytal, Blake."

"Don't… touch… my books." Blake said tiredly, breathing between words, "Anyway, what happened?"

"N-Nothing." Yang quickly said while blushing from Blake's murmurs earlier, "Anyway, time to st-start the episode." Yang quickly sat back down. Though, she would slowly move away from Blake throughout the entire episode, 'What was she dreaming? Better yet, why was my sister there?'

"Okay. NEXT EPISODE!" Ruby yelled out dramatically as she pressed play.

_Brief recap of Grif and Simmons from prior episode._

**Grif:** _(looking through a sniper rifle)_ Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something... _(zooms in)_ It looks like..._(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_ ...Simmons, get the Warthog.

**Simmons:** Heh, you mean the Puma?

"Didn't we already see this part?" Ruby asked,

"It's a quick recap of what happened last episode. Nothing special." Blake said in her usual tone, though in the inside, she was afraid of the 15 year old. Just a bit.

_Cut to Church running up to Donut with his gun pointed at him._

**Church:** Freeze!

**Donut:** Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, dick!

"That's because he was… like he even could." Weiss muttered.

**Church:** Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

"Of them just talking? I would've gone insane at…"

"Hour 2?" Ruby finished for Yang. The others chuckled a bit a Yang's expense before going back to the TV.

**Donut:** I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

**Church:** Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

**Donut:** Yeah, that's what I just said.

**Church:** Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

"Because of stealth, cunning, and lots of luck?" Yang joked,

"And the Mystery Blue guy, Yang." Blake said,

"Yeah, an inside job."

"Shut up, please." Weiss said, having enough of spy movie references.

**Donut:** Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!

_Tucker comes out of the teleporter between them and now has black armour_.

**Tucker:** Three!

**Church:** JESUS!

"FUCK!" The RWBYs yelled out, falling out of their seats at the same time (though Ruby got a face full of her sister's uh… assets). They quickly got back up, set their chairs back up and sat down, "We shall never speak of this."

"Agreed."

"Amen."

"Definitely."

**Donut:** HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

**Church:** What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?

**Tucker:** How did you get up here ahead of me?

**Donut:** And what's with that black shit on your armour?

"It's soot, isn't it?" Yang said, though, it looked like it clung to Tucker's armour like paint. Yang didn't care. Black stuff was black stuff and white stuff is, 'NO NO NO! DON'T THINK ABOUT BLAKE'S BOOKS, YANG!'

**Tucker:** Hey! Freeze, Sarge!

**Donut:** Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private.

**Tucker:** The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.

"Is he… retarded or something?" Weiss asked rhetorically. Of course he was.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the Warthog which has Tejano music playing_.

"Please don't tell me we have to listen to this shit for the entire episode…" Weiss groaned. Though, Yang kinda liked it. Another reason why she should be driving the Pu-CHUPATHINGY, SHE MEANT CHUPATHINGY!

**Grif:** Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

"Do you think Lopez is Spanish?" Ruby asked the girls. They nodded, "He's kinda quiet though."

"Or he's a Spanish Robot without a voice box." Yang joked, which the RWBYs laughed to. Who would in their right mind build a robot who only talks in a language they wouldn't understand? That's too stupid, even for the Reds.

**Simmons:** I'll take gunner. (_takes gunner_ _position)_ Let's roll.

**Grif:** How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

"At least someone knows my pain." Blake said, not particularly liking the Silent Brown Soldier's taste of music.

**Simmons:**_(calls out as they drive off)_ Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.

"FUCK!" Yang yelled out, "FUCKITITY FUCK FUCK BALLS OF FUCKING FUCK!"

"What the hell, Yang?! Why are you so upset!?" Her younger adopted sister asked,

"T-They j-jinxed it…" Yang sobbed before punching a wall, "THEY FUCKING JINXED IT!"

'Your sister really loves cars, doesn't she?' Weiss mouthed to Ruby as Yang cried on her partner's shoulder,

"You should've seen her after she accidentally scratched her motorcycle's paint job for the first time." Ruby whispered back, remembering all those 'counselling' sessions she had to do to stop Yang from crying. She was still pretty sure that Yang still had nightmares of scratching Moto-Kun (don't ask her why).

_Cut back to Church, Tucker, and Donut_

**Tucker:** Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

"Asshole…" the RWBYs (apart from Blake, who was remembering another part of Ninjas of Love again).

**Church:** Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?

"My god, I can't take anymore of this guy's logic." Weiss said, feeling a migraine coming on.

**Tucker:** I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.

**Donut:** Is this guy a retard?

"Yes. Yes he is." Yang muttered.

**Church:** (_Warthog's music gets progressively louder as he speaks_) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

"Here they are!" Yang said excitingly. Finally, VIOLENCE! SWEET, GLORIOUS, UN-ADULTERATED VIOLENCE!

_Warthog jumps over the hill right by Church_.

**Grif**: Woohoo!

"What a professional…" Blake mutter sarcastically.

**Tucker:** Holy shit!

**Church:** Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!

**Tucker:** The jeep followed me back in time!

_Grif hops out of the Warthog as Simmons yells and fires at Church and Tucker as they run away._

**Church**: Ow! Git ("Who says 'Git'?" "Not now, Ruby! Enjoy the violence! ENJOY IT") ! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!

**Simmons**: (_in background)_That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!

"Someone should really write these down." Ruby stated,

"Got it." Yang replied as she was already writing down Simmons insults. Hell, even new puns.

**Grif:** What the hell is going on here?

**Donut:** You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

"You don't say?" Blake said.

**Grif:** How did you get the flag?

**Donut:** I don't know, I just asked for it.

**Grif:** Wait, that worked?

**Donut:** I guess. Is it not supposed to?

**Grif:** I don't know, we… never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

"That's because THIS ENTIRE CANYON IS FULL OF TWATS! FOR GOD SAKE, MAN!"

"Oh crap, Yang is going British on us!" Blake exclaimed. This was a very dangerous state, as it was between and angry Yang and kill-everyone-here Yang. Ruby quickly went into action. Cue random musical moment!

Ruby: Dream of Anything

I'll make it all come true

Blake & Weiss, quickly catching on, joined in.

Weiss: Everything you need

Is all I have for you…

Blake: All Forever…

Always by your side

Weiss: Whenever you need a friend

I'm never far behind…

Ruby: If the stars are gone

Weiss: When there's no one near by

Blake: Then you know, you shouldn't cry though?

Ruby: It will be alright…!

Ruby, Weiss & Blake: Don't you worry about the dark

I will light up the night with the love in my heart

I will burn like the sun

I will keep you safe and warm…

Ruby: Like the smell of a rose in a summers day

Weiss: I will be there to take all your fears away

Blake: With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to…

Ruby, Weiss & Blake: Gold…!

Weiss & Blake: With the touch of my hand

Ruby: I'll turn your life to Gold…!

Yang finally calmed down after the song and went back to her chair. The other girls sighed in relief. They discovered that if she (Yang) ever went British (or in-between angry and I-cut-your-hair-bitch), they would have to sing Yang's personal song 'Gold' to calm her down. Now that everything had calmed down, they risked watching the rest of the episode.

**Donut:** Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-

**Grif**: There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.

**Donut:** Fine!

_Donut starts running through the Gulch._

**Grif**: _(scoffs)_ Back to our base, dumbass!

**Donut:** Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all.

"Knew it." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to Caboose looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle_.

**Caboose:** Oh man, that's not good. _(looks from Church and Tucker to the Warthog)_ Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. _(puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth)_Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (_runs off to the tank_)

Yang stared at the screen, "I love you, Blue guy…" The RWBYs started shifting their chairs away from Yang while Ruby kept an arms-length distance from her sister.

_Cut to Church and Tucker behind a rock with Simmons firing and yelling at them._

**Simmons:** (_in background_) Yeah, get going! Take that! I know you like that there! Come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on, Blue! Get your head out there!

**Church:** Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time.

"Uh… I don't think it will." Blake stated. The RWBYs were kinda worried for the Blues. If they didn't do something to get of there, they could d-no. Yang looked at her sister before looking at the TV.

'Please… don't let anyone die… for Ruby's sake…'

Save Game… Quit!

Heh heh, I don't why I did that but I don't care! And if you don't know, that's 'Gold' by Jeff Williams. Lyrics came from a YouTube commenter and listening to it. Don't remember the name though, sorry.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	8. Chapter 7: Tank'd

Hey, you know me! The UknownHero here and welcome to _another _chapter of RWBY. And why did I emphasise 'another'? Because I AM NOT DISCONTINUING THIS FIC! Refer to Chapter 3-'Chapter 2: Warthogs vs Pumas' for the reason why I don't update every single day! Seriously, I am not giving up, this thing is too easy to write and way too popular than I actually realise. *Sigh* Look, I'm doing the best I can to make people happy, it's in my DNA, but realise that every author is a human being, as I stated at the before mentioned chapter. I have school work and I have assignments due in next week so I'll probably won't update over the weekend. Sorry, but you're going have to deal with it. Anyway, rant done, let's just get this chapter started because I do _not _want to waste a chapter on a rant.

Load Game… Start!

Chapter 7: Tank'd (**Check Out the Treads on That Tank)**

There were a couple of things Yang loved as much as much as her little sister, Ruby.

Violence, fire, her hair, puns, messing with the Heiress (that will be toned down after that ice blow out) and most importantly, vehicles.

Especially ones with guns on it.

As soon as the Blue Guy said that he was going for the tank (even though she knew he probably didn't know how to drive it), she fell in love with the guy.

Okay, more of the tank than the actual guy driving the tank, but who the hell cared. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING TANK!

Though, she knew that she would have to cover Ruby's eyes. Yang knew she didn't deal with death well. Past experiences have told her that if the 15 year old wanted to keep watching Red vs Blue, she would have to get over it as soon as possible. She couldn't bear to see a depressed Ruby again, or even a sad one. The closest Ruby ever got to being depressed was when they were fighting the Demon Shadow during the fight for Beacon. Blake & Weiss were down for the count, Yang was heavily bleeding and couldn't see straight and Ruby was frozen. Her whole team had fallen and she was next. But somehow out of skill, destiny or even dumb luck, Ruby fought the Witch off and caused Torchwick to call a retreat. And with some of the Grimm turning back on Torchwick and attacking the retreating army or going back to their habitats, Beacon was finally safe. Yang was lucky to even survive that day. Her aura broke during the fight, allowing her to take bodily damage then just feel pain, with the pain 10 times worse. After things went back to normal, Team RWBY & Team JNPR received their awards and had a massive party to celebrate.

Good times at that party…

Yang quickly broke out of her thoughts as she realised Blake had hit play for the next episode while Ruby & Weiss were arguing about something about something, something about methods and Yang… anyway, they all shut up for the next episode.

(From an earlier version of the episode.)

**Narrator:** Last week, on Red vs. Blue...

"They put this out weekly?" Ruby asked, "For something so short, they should've at least put up, don't know, 3 to 5 episodes a week."

"You have to understand Ruby that even a 3 minute episode needs to scripted and that a lot of editing must've been put into the process to at least make the deadline." Blake said. She knew that from personal experiences. Is it weird that you send hundreds of letters to an author to release another book a week after the pervious book came out?

_Church backs in to frame from the left._

**Church:** Uh, hey dude, we didn't have a video last week. We were at E3, remember?

"What's E3?" Yang asked. Ruby didn't know, but Blake & Weiss just blushed and continued watching the video, remembering their experiences. It's really good to be an heiress and a master at stealth.

**Narrator:** I mean, week before last...

_Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog firing at Church and Tucker_.

**Caboose:** Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. _(puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth)_ Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. _(runs off to the tank)_

_Church and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them._

**Church:** My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

"And I was correct." Blake muttered. Though she had to question, how many bullets does that turret have?

**Tucker:** You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

**Church:** Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

**Tucker:** Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

"That… actually makes sense." Weiss said. It's better to have a tank with a giant cannon on it than a rock. But seriously, by now the bullets should've shredded the rock by now, "Is that rock made of iron?"

**Church:** Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

_Cut to Caboose hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on._

**Tank:** Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

"A-A t-talking t-t-tank." Yang stuttered. All her dreams have been realised, Now if it could only solve mysteries,

"Wait, why is the tank called Sheila?" Blake asked,

"Can you think of a better name, Blake." Ruby asked back. Blake thought for a moment before saying,

"Scorpion?" The RWBYs agreed, for both the name and the fact that they didn't another Nameless War again.

**Caboose:** Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

**Sheila:** Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

"You know when your military sucks when they have a tutorial program _built into the tank."_ Weiss said. Though, she kinda like tutorials. Being led, doing stuff, domina-'DON'T THINK ABOUT BLAKE'S BOOKS, WEISS! I am a Schnee, I am a Schnee, not a pervert…'

**Caboose:** Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

**Sheila:** Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

"Okay, that's kinda creepy." Yang thought out loud, "How did you get that right, Pussy Cat?"

"Uh… because it looked like one?" Cue anime style fall courtesy of Ruby, Weiss & Yang.

**Caboose:** Okay.

_Cut to Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif on the ground behind him._

**Grif:** Simmons. SIMMONS!

_Simmons stops firing, and steps down._

**Grif:** Man, that thing is loud.

_Sheila drives by in the background._

**Simmons:** ...WHAT?

"I think their hearing is literally **shot.**" Yang said. The girls threw pillows at the blond,

"It wasn't funny the first time, Yang. Don't make us use Mister Cut-Cut." Weiss threatened. Yang quickly stroked her hair, muttering stuff like, 'The mean lady didn't mean that' and _hushing_ it. The rest the RWBYs took a step back away from the lilac-eyed girl.

"I think she's taking the hair thing a bit too far." Blake whispered,

"You think?" Ruby & Weiss said in fake disbelief. After Yang calmed down her hair (AN: Okay, I have to admit that I felt weird writing that), they continued the episode, but still creeped the fuck out by Yang's choice of grooming.

**Grif:** Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

**Simmons:** OKAY.

"Smart move, but Simmons should've kept firing to keep the Blues there while Grif would sneak up behind them." Blake criticized,

"Okay, how do you know this much about war?" Weiss asked,

"You learn a thing or two in the White Fang." Blake said, not proud of what she's done in the past,

"Come on Blake, it's in the past now. Being a Huntress is your future now." Ruby cheered Blake up. Blake smiled softly. She hoped Ruby's innocence would last.

**Grif:** Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

_Cut to Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off._

Weiss swore she heard a tiger, lion & a dragon all at the same time, she just didn't know where. Though, she had a pretty good guess.

**Sheila:** Now that you've mastered driving the M808 (*growl/roar/hiss*), let's move onto some of the safety features.

**Caboose:** No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

"Wait, isn't it the other way around?" Ruby asked,

"Yes."

"No."

"Uh... maybe?"

_Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock. Tucker is still standing behind it._

**Church:** _(whispering)_ Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

"Okay, why is he whispering?" Blake asked.

**Tucker:** Why are you whispering?

"Not. A word. Yang." Blake glared at the blond, who was about to say something along the lines of 'it takes a pervert to know a pervert.'

**Church:** _(whispering)_ Uhm... I don't know.

_Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff._

**Grif:** Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

"Why did the-you know what, I'm not falling for it." Ruby said, "But why did they get out of the jeep?"

**Simmons:** Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

_Sheila rolls up right behind them._

"That is one stealthy tank." Yang muttered. Definitely, her fantasies have come true.

**Grif:** Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

_Sheila's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons as they speak._

**Simmons:** Well, at least that was fun.

Yang sobbed a bit, 'I would do anything...'

_Grif and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank_.

**Grif:** Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?

'Except being on the Red Team.'

_Cut to Church and Tucker looking at the vacant Warthog._

**Church:** Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

**Tucker:** No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.

**Church:** Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

"Please don't tell me they left the kept in the ignition..." Weiss said, face palming. Then they heard a growling sound. Thanks to Professor Port, they knew it was a Darkstalker. They quickly readied themselves for a fight... until they realised it was Ruby's black hole she calls a stomach,

"Hehehe, sorry. I'll go get breakfast for everyone. Don't wait up for me." Ruby said as she left the room to get cereal or something. Weiss, Blake & Yang took her word for it and resumed the episode without her.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Grif's head._

**Grif:** Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

_A tone goes off indicating target lock._

"I think it does, Grif." Yang said. She was relieved. Someone would die and Ruby doesn't have to watch it. They might actually get through a season without drama. 

(From an earlier version of the episode.)

**Narrator:** Coming up on Red vs. Blue: You've watched them for seven episodes. But next week, the unthinkable! Someone. Will. Die!

"FUCKING ARSE OF GUFFPAP TWAT!"

**Sarge:** ...I sure hope it's Grif.

"Seriously, WHAT DID HE DO?!" Weiss yelled out. But then her and Blake processed what the narrator had just said.

Someone. Will. Die.

The only thought that crossed the RWBYs minds were:

'No... please... god no.' (Yang)

'Ruby...' (Blake)

'Shit, I forgot about Ruby's trigger.' (Weiss)

'I wonder if they actually went on without me. Nah...! They wouldn't... right? Maybe I shoul-OH SHIT!' (Ruby, now face down on the floor, covered in Captain Pete's Marshmallow Flakes) 'MY FLAKES! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL FLAKES! Uh... I mea-ah screw it, MY PRECIOUS!'

Save Game... Quit!

Oh yeah. There's some drama getting up in this hiz'ouse.

...

...

So I'm never writing that again.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	9. Chapter 8: Blood Gulch Blues

Hey, UknownHero here! Now that I realise it, I actually more time than I actually knew about so I may as well use it for a chapter. Now for a suggestion: About me making more episodes per chapter (thank you Seeker213 for the suggestion and telling me that there are **224 episodes** excluding PSAs and the Mini-Series). Here's the thing, I have no fucking clue how to do that. What I mean is that it does sound like a very, _very_ hard feat to do. Thing is... it actually sounds tempting to me. I may as well challenge myself, right and make a 224 chapter fic (excluding the JNPR chapters), right? And for the fact that I can't particularly think of a group of episodes that would fit together under a certain theme apart from the first time Tex arrives. Maybe leave a suggestion for a few episodes in the reviews. Anyway, there's no point in wasting a chapter on a suggestion so I may as well start the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning of... fuck! Yeah, let's just say this is the first of many deaths for Leonard Church.

Load Game... Start!

Chapter 8: Blood Gulch Blues **(****Don't Ph34r the Reaper)**

Blake hated being the bad guy.

Uh... girl, whatever. She didn't like hurting people. The White Fang showed her that up front since Day 1.

But now, here was the question.

Do they keep watching?

It was simple really. Ruby (who _still _hasn't come back with their breakfast) was this sweet innocent little girl, seemingly unaffected by the loss of many loved ones. She was a Leader and damn good one at that when she's not being, well, Ruby. But now Blake was the deciding vote. The only one who can decide Ruby's fate. They had discussion earlier.

"WE NOT LETTING RUBY WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE!"

"YES WE ARE, YANG!"

Okay, it was more of a creative discussion more than anything else, and it was still going.

"Weiss, be reasonable! Ruby had enough loss in her life and that death will remind her of it! I don't want her to go through that!" Yang argued,

"Look, Yang, I understand but she's killed hundreds of Grimm already. Fuck, she might even have the highest body count out of all of us! She's old enough to deal with it!" The Heiress shot back,

"Weiss, she's still my sister making me a higher power than you!"

"I'm Second-in-Fucking-Command Yang! I'm pretty sure that makes me temporary leader of RWBY, so I order you to let our actual leader watch the fucking episode!"

"Oh, you treating me like I'm one of your butlers now, huh? Well, this servant doesn't always obey it's master!"

"I didn't mean that, Yang! I mean, Ruby needs to grow up."

"What did you say, Schnee?"

"I said she needs to grow the fuck up." Weiss and Yang's noses were practically touching at this point, "It's for the good of the team."

"'For the good of the team', huh Weiss? Well, what about Ruby. What about her?"

"At this rate, I bet her first human kill will be Torchwick. It's better if Ruby deals with it now rather than later. Do you want her to di-"

"Never. Say. That word." Yang growled as her hair started to flicker alight. Blake knew it was time to step it,

"ENOUGH!" she yelled out, catching their attention, "Look you two, if we keep arguing like this, we as well not be a team at all!" There was a silence. They all remembered the time RWBY almost got disbanded. Hell, even kicked out of Beacon. Ruby would've been lost without her dream, Weiss would be in her parent's 'care' 24/7, Blake would be on the run from the White Fang and Yang didn't have anywhere else to go. They didn't want that to happen again. If it wasn't them making up, JNPR, hell even what was left of CRDL as well as the entire school, they wouldn't be here today. The school probably would've been destroyed and everyone they knew would be on the run from Torchwick or dead. The blonde and the Snow White Mage sighed, "Now make up already so we can watch the stupid episode."

"B-But Blake..."

"Yang. It would be good for Ruby to see this. Anyway, they're idiots. It's not like anyone important will die." Blake said with a cold voice. Yang never heard that from Blake before. Weiss, of course yes. But _Blake_? No, never from her partner. Yang sighed. It was better to get this over and done with now than in the future and in the middle of combat.

It was for both RWBY & Ruby.

When Ruby finally came back with their cereal, they ate in silence until Ruby asked, "So... did anything exciting happen?"

"Ruby, swallow first before you talk." Weiss scolded. Ruby swallowed before Weiss answered, "No, nothing really. Just the narrator telling us to watch next week's episode." Yang looked at her in disbelief, 'It's not like I'm enjoying an innocent Ruby.' She mouthed out of said girl's line of sight,

"Okay. I can't wait for the next episode!" The RWBYs fake-cheered with the soon-to-be-broken innocence of the girl. They just hoped it would be painless and quick. And maybe Sarge.

'SERIOULY, WHAT FUCK DID GRIF DO?!'

'Why do I have the feeling that they're thinking at the same time?'

Weiss volunteered to take their bowls away to the kitchen. When she got there, she noticed that there were Marshmallow Flakes on the floor, but she ignored it. After she cleaned all the bowls (not a fun experience for Weiss, "MY EYES!" "Did anyone hear that?") She decided to check their food supply. She went through the list and saw that everything was perfect, well apart from the fact that their whole Captain Pete's cereal supply was gone. Even the ones that still had their friend, Pyrrha still on it. Those were about 2 years past their expiration date.

Weiss had a hunch that a certain red headed girl was behind it, 'Wait, isn't it black with crimson highlights? Or a really dark red? Wait, why am I thinking about shit like this?' She thought as she ran towards her team dorm. She could feel the expired cereal starting to kick in, and it was not pretty. She finally reached the dorm and yelled out, "RUBY FED US EXPIRED CEREAL!"

"WHAT?!"

"RUBY!"

"Expired... cereal?" Ruby said with a confused face and a cute head tilt to the side, "What are you talking about guys?"

"YOU GAVE US 2 YEAR OLD CEREAL!" Weiss yelled at the girl, 'Oh god, I really need a bathroom. Gotta... finish... scolding.'

"You gave us _what?_" The Shot-Gauntlet wielding girl growled,

"Uh... girls. I feel fine." Blake said. Ruby & Yang said that they felt fine also. Then Ruby gasped and blushed,

"Ehehehe, f-f-funny story. Well, it's funny now..." Ruby said as she shut her eyes and quickly said, "WellIatemostofthecerealinthepantryandhadenoughnor malcerealformeBlakeandYangandwhenIsawPyrrha'sfaceI thoughtyou'dappreciateitifIgaveyoucerealfromyourfr iendbeforeyoumetus!" If you weren't following then here's what Ruby meant.

Ruby only gave the expired cereal to Weiss.

"Wh-what?!" Weiss said, holding onto her stomach,

"Though, most of it was gone for some reason. It was probably the hole in the bottom." Ruby said innocently, "Sorry?"

There were only two, no, three things that Weiss had on her mind right now.

Rats.

Killing Ruby.

Toilet.

(AN: For the rest of the episode, we won't be seeing Weiss. And for the sake of keeping this a somewhat child-friendly story, I will not mention the sounds)

"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK?!" (Blake)

"IT SOUNDS LIKE WET BREAD!" (Yang)

"It will be all over soon, Ruby. St-Stay in your happy place..." (Ruby)

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING DOL-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!" (You know who)

(AN: I said _I_ was not mentioning the sounds, I didn't say the RWBYs were.)

"START THE EPISODE, START THE FUCKING EPISODE!" Blake yelled over nothing in particular. Probably for dramatic effect or something,

"GOT IT!" Ruby yelled back, while taking a seat and playing the next episode, turning the volume to the max while thinking about puppies. Cute, wet no-'DON'T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT THAT RUBY!'

_Sheila's turret is pointed at Grif, then it turns to Simmons._

"Okay, where did the tank come from?!" Ruby asked. Yang & Blake stayed quiet. Ruby shook her head before turning back to the TV.

**Grif:** Why is it just sitting there?

**Simmons:** Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.

Ruby did a quick glare. Just in case, you know?

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Sheila:** This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

**Caboose:** Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay, that's more a switch than a button...

**Sheila:** _(in the background)_ This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures-

'Oh shit!' Yang thought. Someone was going to die this soon?! She quickly looked at Blake before looking at Ruby, 'Please don't flip out.'

_Cut to Simmons and Grif._

**Simmons:** Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

**Grif:** Wait. On three? Or three and then go?

**Simmons**: On three. It's always faster to go on three.

"Why does that sound familiar?" Blake asked herself. It felt like, 'Ugh, that argument with Yang every time we do a countdown.'

**Grif:** Okay, okay. On three.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Caboose:**Here! _(click)_

**Sheila:** Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

Blake & Yang quickly braced themselves, 'This is it.' They thought.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** Ready?

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Sheila:** Acquiring target.

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church:** I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

_Cut to Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away._

"Oh you betraying son of a bitch." Yang muttered angrily. She was still bracing herself but that didn't stop her from making her comments.

**Simmons:** One...

_Grif turns around and starts running away. The view cuts to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair following Grif._

'Shit, Sheila's going to kill Grif.' Blake thought. She liked Grif, at least he had some logic. And she would have to admit she would've done the same, 'TO THE WHITE FANG! I will never betray RWBY!'

**Sheila**: Target acquired.

_Cut to Grif running._

**Grif:** _(panting heavily)_ Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...

"He's a bit out of shape for a soldier, isn't he?" Ruby thought out loud.

"For some reason, I'm not surprised." Yang said. She relaxed, but only for a bit. Blake relaxed too, thinking that the death will come at the end,

'I sure do hope it's Sarge... oh fuck.'

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**Two...

_Cut to Sheila's HUD locking onto Grif._

**Sheila:** Target locked.

_Cut to Church running toward the Warthog_. _He's panting loudly._

"Can someone tell me who's actually _fit?_" Ruby asked. They thought for a moment when they came to a conclusion:

"Who the fuck cares?"

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** Three! _(turns around and sees Grif running away)_ Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!

"Cock Bite, huh?" Ruby said, 'That could be a decent catchphrase.' Yang thought it would be a great insult while Blake blushed. She only saw those two words near each other once and it wasn't an insult or a catchphrase.

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon.

_Sheila fires and blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif._

"SON OF A BITCH!" (Ruby & Blake)

"FUCK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!" (Yang)

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** _(crouches next to Sheila)_ Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:** SON OF A BITCH!

_Cut to Church._

**Church:** _(near the explosion)_ Son of a bitch!

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon.

"Is that really going to say that every time it fires?" Blake asked Ruby. Ruby was about to answer when they noticed that Yang was gone. They heard a door slam and saw that Yang was lying on the ground right outside the team's toilet. She quickly tackled Blake and started crying into her shoulder, telling her all about her nightmares about Moto-kun in freakish detail, right down to the angle of every single thing, from the direction to what scratched it-I mean 'him', "Help. Me." Blake whispered over the emotional blond. Ruby shook her head no.

**Simmons:** Shit!

_Sheila fires._

**Simmons:**_(indecipherable)_

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon.

"Knew. It." Blake said. Though it was kinda hard seeing that a 17 year old woman was crying and crushing her lungs.

**Simmons:** Dammit!

_Sheila fires._

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon. _(fires)_

_Cut to Church running back up to meet Tucker._

**Tucker:** Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

"Thank you, Ca-Captain Obvious." Yang said, now calm. Blake, however, was face down on the floor, trying to regain feeling to her lower area.

**Church**: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons hiding behind a rock._

"And the tables have turned." Yang said. She then noticed the barely conscious pile that was named Blake, "Oh my God! What happened to you?"

"C-come cl-closer." Blake whispered her throat extremely dry, like she was dying. Yang followed and went closer to her partner, "Closer, closer, _closer_... FUCK YOU!" Blake yelled out as she decked the blonde, leaving a nice lump on her forehead, careful not to ruin the hair,

"Okay, I have to admit you deserved that Yang." Ruby said, already fearing for her life. She could feel the heat from her sis' hair. She braced for the explosion, only to feel the heat quickly dissipating. Yang took her seat, remembering Blake's words from earlier,

"Y-Yeah, I kinda did, didn't I?" Yang said with a goofy smile. Ruby went back to watching, but before Blake or Yang did, Yang quickly flashed her eyes red at Blake before going back, 'You better watch out, Pussy Cat.' Blake shivered.

She just dug her own grave.

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon. _(fires, hits the rock)_

**Simmons:** _(mocking Grif)_ Hey, I have a GREAT idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon. _(fires, hits the rock)_

**Simmons:**Great plan, you idiot!

"Finally, someone who agrees." Blake said.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD_ _looking over the rock._

**Sheila:** All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

"Hey, apart from Donut, I don't think there _are_ anymore targets." Yang muttered. Though, she had a bad feeling about this.

_Her crosshair starts panning up and to the left._

Yang & Blake noticed it was getting near the rock Church and Tucker are and got worried, 'Please tell me that it can tell the difference between Red and Blue.' They thought at the same time.

_Cut to Church and Tucker with Church standing in the open looking down at the tank._

**Church**: Hey, Tucker, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.

**Tucker**: What? No way!

**Church**: Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

**Sheila:** New target acquired. _(spinning turret around to aim at Church)_

"No..." Ruby said quietly. Her heart was pumping now and worry filled her eyes, 'It wouldn't... it couldn't...' the other braced themselves.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair slowly panning up the cliffside at Church._

**Caboose:** That's not a target. That's Church!

"Yes! Stop it! STOP IT!" Ruby desperately yelled out as she jumped out of her chair. Blake & Yang closed their eyes. They couldn't bear to watch it.

**Church:** Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?

**Sheila:** _(locking on to Church)_ Target locked.

"UNLOCK! UNLOCK! PLEASE, DON'T!" Ruby yelled as she started crying, 'What about his girlfriend?! Love is supposed to conquer all...'

_Cut to Caboose in the driver's seat._

**Caboose:** What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!

"P-Please." Ruby quietly said as she stared at the screen.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:** Firing main cannon.

_Cut to Caboose._

**Caboose:** Uh oh...

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:** Uh oh...

_Cut to Church._

**Church:** What? ..Oh, son of a bi-

_Church is shot and launched into the air. His body hits the rock face and lands back on the ledge. Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:** Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church!

_Cut to Sheila. Tucker is visible on the cliff in the distance as he yells at Caboose._

**Tucker:** You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

**Sheila:** Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

**Church:** _(dying)_ Tucker! ...T-Tucker!

**Tucker:** Church! It's going to be okay, man.

**Church**: No. Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you.

**Tucker:** What is it?

**Church:** I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

**Tucker:** Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

**Church:** Okay. Herk!...Bleah...

They opened their eyes. It was quiet.

Too quiet.

"Wh-Where's Ruby?" Blake asked. Yang looked down and saw what she always dreaded to see.

White rose petals covered in blood.

Save Game... Quit!

Yeah... I don't really have anything to say except just enjoy the fic.

UknownHero signing off.


	10. Chapter 9: Ruby & Tex-3 episode special!

Hey, UknownHero here and FUCK YEAH! 100 REVIEWS! 100 FUCKING REVIEWS... though by the time I'm writing this I am 2 reviews away from that. BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES! To celebrate (though planned), I'm combining 3 episodes into one chapter! Anyway, time for some concerns. First, Seeker312: I should really check the amount of episodes on the wiki. It's actually 200 episodes. Still a lot but still so tempting, oh well. We can know another 3 out now. Also, thanks for telling me about anime stuff. I actually 'forgot' rather than 'didn't know'. Now for AtrumFox: I will try and edit, but since most of my grammar corrections are from Microsoft Word 2003's autocorrect and the added fact my grammar already sucks in first place, I might not. That and I can't find grammar mistakes often. Maybe a mis-spell here and there. As for excess dialogue, not happening. I just don't know what and which I should cut off. Maybe some ending stuff. Now to neogoki: Ruby does know it's just a movie; it just doesn't make it any better. She already lost a lot of people already and she's still pretty young. She hasn't matured enough to deal with it properly. And look what she knows about Church so far. Church has a girlfriend who he loves very much, and was planning to marry her. Now think about: What if it happened in real life? Ruby had the right to react like that since she really loves romance. Well, at least in my fic. Anyway, enough talk, time for action!

Load Game... Start!

Chapter 9: Ruby & Texas **(After Church, A Shadow of His Former Self, Knock Knock. Who's There? **_**Pain**_**.)**

Yang was scared. Not even running away was made her this afraid. She was afraid not because a Grimm broke into the school, her weapon was damaged or even when someone mentioned the word 'Barber'. It was none of those.

She was scared because her adopted sister ran away.

She knew this would happen after the first time, she just knew it. Ruby would activate her aura mode. To most, unlocking your aura mode was like getting a gift from heaven, hell even seeing one was special. Even Ren didn't have one, he just had a naturally strong soul. Yang was the only person known at Beacon to have one. But she knew Ruby was actually the first one to activate one, not Yang. Hell, no one knew apart from her & her missing uncle. And it was not pretty.

You see, aura modes enhances their most prominent ability and affinity, like Yang having a massive boost in strength and her fists becoming engulfed in flames without the use of her gauntlets or Dust, and can only be activated by their most prominent emotion, like anger or sadness (in Ruby's case). The usual drawback was a weaken aura and a lot of your energy being drained. Yang had a lot of stamina thanks to everything that's happened to her so she would be barely affected by the stamina loss.

Ruby, however, had something worse.

Her cloak will turn white as well as any red on her, even her Scy-ifle. Her speed will shoot up to inhumane levels, hundreds of times faster than Blake. Also, she had one thing no one else is able to do. She can directly hit your soul, causing immense pain without even leaving any physical damage. But the cost was much higher.

You know those white rose petals, the ones that were covered in blood?

That is Ruby's blood.

Yes, each rose petal has Ruby's blood on it. And she leaves tonnes of them. Worse if it's a windy day... like today. Her own aura was slowly killing her and if Yang couldn't find her in time...

She needed to find her.

"Blake, as soon as Weiss is done, help me find Ruby!" Yang yelled as she grabbed Ember Cecelia. It pays to be prepared, you know,

"Yang, what the fuck is happening and why are there rose petals everywhere?!" Blake asked. If Yang was using her name, this must be serious,

"We don't have time! If we don't find her..." Yang trailed off. She didn't like death, but not as much as Ruby, "We have to find her, Blake." When Blake heard Yang, she was dumbfounded. Yang's voice lost all of its energy. All of that personality, everything that made her Yang Xiao Long, completely gone. It was like... she was talking to a ghost. Blake shivered a bit at the word 'ghost' but quickly shook it off. This was more important than her fears,

"Okay. I'll tell Weiss as soon as she's out. You go and find Ruby." Blake said, with a desperate undertone. Yang smiled before rushing out the door.

She had a griever to comfort.

(A few hours later)

'Why? Why? Why did they have to leave me?' Ruby thought as she wandered around Emerald Forest, still with her white cloak on. She was lost, but she didn't care. She needed to leave. She needed to see them. At least once, 'Uncle Qrow, mum, dad... why?' Why did Church have to die? How will his girlfriend take it? Why did they leave? Those were the thoughts of Ruby Rose's inner conscious. She remembered the first time she had a white cloak on. Well, tried to. Everything was a blur to her for a long time and it was still a blur now. All she remembered was someone coming to her house, her baby sitter answering the door.

Then, nothing.

She somehow ended up in a hospital with a massive headache and barely able to move. Her Uncle was there, but not her parents. She weakly asked why, but all her uncle did was shook his head sadly and look down. She was still pretty young and her brain felt like mush so she didn't piece it together until she was out of the hospital and asked to pack her stuff from her house. She looked around and saw two things she never thought she would see.

A broken sniper rifle and a scythe blade.

It all came rushing back to her. The news about her parents. The feeling of herself losing control. Her own memories being replaced by all of her emotion for that moment. It was killing her. Tearing her piece by piece, 'Why them... WHY THEM!?' Ruby yelled in her mind as she felt herself starting to slip into darkness. She felt something inside her trying to break out again. She tried to keep it down but she felt weak.

Weak, 'I'm dying, aren't I?' she thought as she fell to her knees. She remembered last time it was 5 to 10 minutes before she fell unconscious in the middle of Vale. It's been, I don't know, two, three hours. She felt her heart starting to slow down and her vision blur. The thing inside her was starting to break out now, 'Weiss, Blake, Yang... help me...' she thought as she felt it taking over her. Then, she felt a pain at the back of her head and that was the last thing she felt before going into the darkness.

(1 hour later)

R... up

R...y, ple...

Ru...y, don't d...

"RUBY!"

"Ugh... Y-Yang?" Ruby said weakly as she opened her eyes. She was met with the sun and Yang, "Wh-Where are we?"

"We're at the cliff where we start out Initiation." Yang replied. Ruby, now back to being red, had her head lying on Yang's lap while Yang herself was on one of the launch pads, "Remember this place?"

"Ye-Yeah..." Ruby mumbled. She smiled, remembering all the good times in that forest. Weiss saving her, forming RWBY... actually, that was it. Now that she thought about it, Emerald Forest sucks birdie balls, *Sniff* 'Sorry birdie. I didn't mean to...' she got cut out of her thoughts when the blonde hugged her. Not one of those bone-crushing hugs Yang usually gives her. It was a genuine hug, full love an comfort. She tried to hug back but her arms felt like lead,

"Ruby... I'm sorry you had to watch that." Yang said softly,

"Huh?"

"Weiss & Blake wanted you to..."

"Yang?"

"Hm?"

"Please let go of me. I know this is the softest you've ever hugged me, it doesn't mean that it I'm not choking."

"Oh, sorry." Yang said with a blush and let go of her sister, "Ruby, I didn't want to but Blake & Weiss,"

"Yang, you are my sister, but shut _the fuck_ up." Ruby said with a mock glare, "I'm not a baby anymore. _**I. Drink. Milk**_."

"Oh, really..." Yang said with a giggle. Ruby was confused for a second before she realised what she had just said,

"I-I me-meant was uh..." Ruby didn't get to finish her sentence as she got pulled into another hug by Yang,

"I'm glad you're okay." Yang said as Ruby thought, 'Yep, there's the love I know.'

"Can't... breath..." Ruby choked out, causing Yang to let go,

"A-Anyway, let's back to the dorm. I want to watch more!" Ruby said excitingly, causing Yang's jaw to hit the bottom of the cliff, "What?"

"Bu-Bu-But wh-what about..."

"Like I said Yang, I think I can make it." Ruby said with a smile, "And if me & Weiss ever start acting like Church and Tucker, just handcuff us." (AN: Thank you christopherweeblingjr for the joke!) Yang giggled and helped her sis up and started walking back to their dorm. When they got there, Weiss was pretty dead on her chair, pale and smelling like death & decay and Blake was as far away from her as she could with a clothes peg on her nose, "Uh... what happened to Weiss?"

"Fuck... you... Ruby." Weiss said tiredly, "Anyway, what happened and why are there rose petals everywhere? And are they covered in blood?" Blake was about to answer but Yang beat her to it,

"Don't worry Weiss. Apart from some blood loss (and possible brain damage), Ruby Rose is good as new!" Yang announced,

"What did you say about 'brain damage'?" Blake asked. Ruby was kinda scared now,

"Oh, don't worry Pussy Cat, Ruby's okay. Right, Ruby?"

"Uh... yeah!" Ruby quickly said before she grabbed the remote, "Now who wants to watch more Red vs Blue?!" She yelled out with her hands in the air. The room was silent,

"I think the brain damage is kicking in." Blake whispered,

"D-Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she doesn't." Yang replied, though she was unsure herself, 'Ruby's mum would kill me if we gave her brain damage if she was alive.'

"Hey, how about we watch 3 episodes in a row?" Weiss suggested, "It'll make the season go by quicker."

"And that's why you're Second-in-Command, Miss Schnee." Ruby said, channelling her inner Port, "Alright, you guys ready?" Ruby said as she took a seat near Weiss, not minding the smell. She was pretty sure she smelled a bit like Weiss anyway,

"It's definitely the brain damage." Blake muttered. She walked to her seat and sat down, "But it's still the same Ruby in many ways."

"Well, come on Ruby! Start the movie!" Yang said as she jumped into her seat,

"Alright. Now playing the next episode!"

**(After Church)**

_Simmons and Grif run up the ramp onto the Red Base where Donut is waiting with the flag._

**Donut:** What happened?

**Grif:** _(panting heavily)_ Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

"Wow, they are really unfit." Weiss muttered,

"We kinda already covered that, Weiss." Ruby said with a giggle.

**Simmons:** Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

"And that proves my point."

**Grif:** _(still panting)_ Fuck... You...

"Isn't that Weiss' answer to every-" Yang didn't get to finish her sentence as Weiss pointed Myrtenaster at her hair,

"One more word, Yang." This shut the blonde's mouth up.

**Donut:** Where's your car?

**Simmons:** General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Yang died a bit every time they mentioned the late Chupathingy, 'Please let the tank survive.'

**Grif:** Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

**Donut:** You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

_The Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two. The camera cuts to a different angle to reveal Sheila in the background._

"Oh shit." Blake said quietly, "Maybe it's still locked-on." Ruby shivered at the word 'locked-on'.

**Grif:** What the hell..!?

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:** SON OF A BITCH!

**Donut:** Oh crap! _(picks up the flag)_ What the hell is that thing?

**Grif:** _(crouching next to the Warthog)_ That's the tank!

**Donut:** Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:** No, keep that away from me!

'Oh, the irony...' The RWBYs thought at the same time, 'Okay, why do I feel like the girls are thinking the same thing?'

_Cut to Caboose in Sheila with Tucker beside them. Sheila fires._

**Tucker:** Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

**Caboose:** Because it's locked on!

**Sheila:** Target locked.

**Tucker:** Well, unlock it.

**Caboose**: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

The RWBYs couldn't help but feel sorry. Killed by his own team mate by ac... ci... dent, 'Oh my god, that kinda sounds like Ruby.' Weiss, Yang and Blake thought worryingly, 'Please don't end up like Church, Ruby.'

**Tucker:** Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:** I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

"Captain Obvious everybody!" Yang said, but got hushed by everyone.

_Sheila fires._

**Simmons:** Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

_Radio sounds._

**Sarge:** _(on radio, from a Pelican dropship)_ Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

**Grif:** Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

"Oh shit, we forgot about Sarge didn't we?" Weiss said. The team groaned, remembering how much of a leader this guy is,

"Wait, all they've been calling him is either Sergent or Sarge." Yang stated,

"So what?"

"Uh... what's Sarge's real name?"

"Easy, it's... well from what I gathered it's... logic dict-I got nothing." Blake said while slumping down. Yang really wanted that mystery solving tank right about now.

**Sarge:** Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

**Simmons:** Sir, _(Sheila fires in the background)_ this is Simmons.

**Sarge:** Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

**Grif:** Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to _(Sheila fires in the background)_ infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their_(Sheila fires in the background)_ guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

**Sarge:** _(radio sounds)_ ... _(more radio sounds)_ ...Am I talkin' to the right base?

"I wouldn't believe it myself." Ruby muttered.

**Grif:** Sarge, _(Sheila fires in the background)_ WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE HERE!

**Sarge:** Well then hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.

"No..." Yang whispered with wide eyes, "Please, not the tank. Not Shelia." This caused the rest of them to shift away from the brawler,

"I think she's more in love with the tank than us." Weiss said, extremely creeped out now. Ruby was about to object when she realised she also kinda agreed.

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:** Uh oh.

_Pelican flies over Red Base. Cut back to Tucker._

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no..." You can guess who said that.

**Tucker:** Hey, Caboose ("_CABOOSE?! _HIS FUCKING NAME IS _CABOOSE?! _THAT'S WORSE THAN DONUT!_"_ (Yang) ), _(starts backing up)_ you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

**Caboose:** I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

"No..." Ruby said quietly as she felt it coming back up, 'Please don't die...'

**Sheila:** Night vision engaged.

**Tucker:** Rookie, get out now!

"He sounds desperate." Blake noticed.

_Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank._

"NO! PLEASE SAVE THE TANK!" Yang desperately yelled.

**Caboose:** Okay, open the do- Okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

"Okay, that's not going to work." Weiss muttered, 'Caboose is going to die.'

**Sheila:** Driver canopy open. _(Caboose gets out and runs away)_("YES!" "Holy Shit, that actually worked.") Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-

_Shell hits Sheila and the explosion turns her upside down._

There was a silence in the room as Ruby quickly paused the episode. Yang's hair was covering her face and the others were slowly getting up and walking away. After a few seconds, Ruby whispered, "3... 2... 1..."

A "WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! " Could be heard from where Team JNPR is,

"What was that?" Jaune asked Pyrrha, who was driving the whole team to their homes. Pyrrha shivered,

"I feel a disturbance in the Aura." She muttered. The others looked at each other before shrugging and going back to what they were doing before (Nora talking Ren's ear off, Ren trying to block out Nora and Jaune looking through his Scroll, which only had 5 songs... all about the Arcs, sung by the Arcs, "Stupid family karaoke night...")

**Caboose:** Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running! _(reaches Tucker, panting)_ Man, that was close.

**Tucker:** Look at your tank though.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:** I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... _(distorted, elongated)_ Daisy...

While that was happening, Yang was (again) crying on Weiss' shoulder, telling her in extreme detail on how she would treat Shelia. Weiss noticed that the blonde was going a bit green, "If you dare puke on my clothes, I will play barber." Yang quickly backed off.

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker._

**Caboose:** Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

"Aw... he must've liked the tank." Blake said, feeling sorry for the Standard Blue Soldier.

**Tucker:** What? No! Sheila! Sheila! W-Wait... Who's Sheila?

**Caboose:** Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

**Tucker:** Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

"You motherfucking pervert." Weiss & Yang (who calmed down as soon as she heard Tucker say 'Oh, dude!') growled. After a few minutes, Weiss played the next episode.

**(A Shadow of His Former Self)**

_Radio noise is heard as the camera fades from black._ _Caboose_ _is standing behind_ _Tucker__._

**Tucker:** Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

**Caboose**: Okay, that is the last of it. Your armour is clean now!

"Oh thank god." Blake sighed in relief. Now she wouldn't be pissed all the time at Tucker because he was wearing her favourite colour.

**Tucker:** Did you get all the black stuff off?

_More radio noise is heard. Cut to_ _Vic_ _sitting at his control panel._

**Vic:** This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

**Tucker**: Hello, Command! We need help!

"They actually have a _command?!_" Weiss said in disbelief, "All this shit for a flag..."

**Vic:** Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?

**Tucker**: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!

"What a professional..." Blake mumbled.

**Vic:** _(pauses)_ Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

The girls quickly blushed while Ruby had no idea why Vic asked that question.

**Tucker:** No, no, no, n-not like that! We need more men to help us.

**Vic:** Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

**Tucker:** Yeah, that got blown up too.

**Vic:** Wow. Sucks to be you.

**Tucker**: Yeah, we know.

"Even their military think they're screwed." Yang said, 'If the tank only survived...'

**Vic:** Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days, or I-

"Not even reinforcements from Beacon to another country don't take that long." Ruby said, surprised that with all that technology it takes that long.

**Tucker:** 16 days!? That's almost 2 weeks!

"Idiot." Weiss & Blake muttered.

**Vic:** OR I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

"'Freelancer'? As in a _mercenary?_" Blake exclaimed. If they're bringing mercs into this, they must be fucking serious.

**Caboose:** I like the "in an hour" one.

Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution.

**Vic:** 10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have them there post-haste. Command out.

"'Tex'? What the fucking hell is a 'Tex'? That name sounds fucking dumb." Yang asked, but suddenly felt a pain at the back of her head. She turned around to see if one of the girls hit her head but saw that no one was there, 'Huh? Must be my imagination.'

_Radio cuts off._

**Tucker:** Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

**Caboose:** What's a Freelancer?

**Tucker:** Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money.

Caboose: Like a mercenary.

"I was right." Blake muttered.

**Tucker:** Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due.

Weiss, Blake and Yang groaned while Ruby still didn't know why they were getting so mad about rent and milk, 'Everyone likes milk.' (AN: Bow Chick Bow Wow, couldn't resist)

**Caboose:** ...Oh, that's funny.

"No, it is not funny." Weiss said through gritted teeth.

**Tucker:** Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?

**Caboose:** No, no, not at all. It- It was good.

_A semi-transparent_ _Church_ _fades into view between Tucker and Caboose._

Blake was starting to shiver now, 'Please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost...' Blake thought as she started hyperventilating. Weiss got caught up on who died thanks to Blake so she wasn't surprised.

**Church:** _(ghostly voice)_ Tucker... Tucker...

A high pitched scream was heard as the girls looked up to see the cool headed, no-nonsense Blake Belladonna hiding under her chair, shivering like crazy. Also sucking her thumb, "Oh my god..." Yang muttered before going into full blown laughter. The girls started laughing at Blake too, much to her embarrassment,

"Sh-Shut up, be-being afraid of g-g-g-g-ghosts is a v-very common p-phobia!" Blake stuttered, but knew she wouldn't live it down so she sat on her seat, braving ghost Church, 'Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out...'

**Tucker:** Who the hell are you!?

**Church:** I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!

"Oh... a warning from beyond the grave!" Yang said in a ghostly voice, scaring Blake a bit more, 'Oh my god, I just found my _Blake_-mail material.'

**Caboose:** You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white!

**Church:** _(normal voice)_ Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

**Tucker:** Yeah, that's definitely him.

"True that." Weiss said,

"You know, Church reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it." Ruby stated. The others (other than Weiss) knew what Ruby was referring to, 'Weiss.'

**Church:** Now I gotta start over again. _(clears throat, resumes ghostly voice)_ Tucker... Tucker...! I've come back with a warning!

"It only works once, dude." Yang said,

"YOLO!" Ruby yelled out randomly. The girls looked at her weirdly, "What? You Only Live Once, ya know." The girls looked at her weirdly before going back to the episode,

'Definitely the brain damage.'

**Tucker:** Is it _really_ necessary to do the voice?

**Caboose:** Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

**Church:** _(normal voice)_ Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

**Caboose:** _(interrupting)_ What's the warning?

**Church:** Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

**Caboose:** Oh, sorry.

Church: Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.

"An asshole even when he's dead." Yang muttered.

**Caboose:** Sorry.

**Church:** I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. _(takes a deep breath)_ Okay, here's the deal-

**Caboose:** _(interrupting)_ Is this the warning?

**Church:** Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your ass is haunted (Blake shivered, 'Don't piss off a ghost.'). When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

**Tucker:** Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

**Church:** Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

"Why was he sent to Blood Gulch?" Ruby muttered, but didn't get an answer.

**Tucker**: No.

**Caboose:** Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

"He was stationed at a _different planet?!_" Weiss exclaimed. The RWBYs realised in horror something important.

There are more Red & Blue Teams.

"FUCK!"

**Church:** Yes.

**Caboose:** Cool! What was that like?

**Church:** Um... it was cold.

**Caboose:** That's it? Just cold?

"It is an ice planet." Blake said. Ruby was starting do doubt Caboose's thinking ability now.

**Church:** What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really... fuckin'... cold.

**Tucker:** Will you just let him talk?

**Church:** Alright, well...

_Fade to Sidewinder._

"It's like Blood Gulch with ice." Weiss noted. Though, despite having an ice affinity, she never seen snow. And by the looks of it, she would hate it.

**Church:** One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember.. I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

**Tucker:** D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?

**Church:** Tucker, don't get jealous, man ("Aw..."). Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold...

**Sidewinder Blue #1:** Man, it's fucking cold.

**Sidewinder Blue #2:** I hope we get some action.

"Like Yang through winter." Blake muttered, remembering all that moaning and groaning about 'missions being cancelled' and shit like that.

**Church:** Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

**Jimmy:** _(in a highland southern accent)_ Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

**Church:** And that's when Tex showed up.

"Oh shit..." The RWBYs realised. Ruby quickly prepared herself, 'It's okay Ruby, it's only a movie... with lots of people dying and someone going to marry his girlfriend after, OH GOD I FEEL IT COMING!' "How does he know Tex, anyway?"

_A soldier in active camouflage [invisibility] moves in front of Jimmy and Church._

**Church:** Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder...

Private Mickey: _(spinning around and shooting)_ Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

"They take things literally, don't they?" Ruby muttered, who was starting to hyperventilate. The RWBYs agreed with their leader, but were keeping an eye on her.

_A Blue firing an Assault Rifle is hit from behind by a camouflaged Tex._

The RWBYs winced at the attack, "She killed someone in one hit." Weiss muttered, surprised, even a but impressed that this Tex was taking down people in one hit even though they had armour. Blake was amazed by Tex's stealth but Yang was focused on Ruby, making sure she doesn't activate her aura mode again.

**Church:** The whole thing was over before it even started.

_Tex kills another Blue. Switch to Jimmy and Church firing their guns._

"It's okay Ruby, it's okay..." Yang repeated softly as she saw Ruby's cloak going dark pink.

**Church:** Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.

"Wait, WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out. Luckily, Ruby's cloak turned back to it's original colour,

"How is that physically possible?!" Yang exclaimed.

_Cut to Tucker at Blood Gulch._

**Tucker:** Wait a second.. how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

Yang didn't care that she repeated what Tucker just said. Could someone really...

**Church:** That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

_Cut to Tex hitting Jimmy with his skull._

"OH MY GOD!" (Ruby)

"Okay, now I'm kinda scared." (Weiss)

"For the love of all that is Fauna..." (Blake)

'Holy shit, I want to do that!' (Yang). When they saw Yang's impressed face, they shifted away from her,

'We seem to be doing that a lot lately, haven't we?' the RWBYs thought.

**Jimmy:** This doesn't seem physically possible! _(he collapses)_ Hurk! Bleh...

_Cut to Blood Gulch._

**Church:** Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.

**Caboose:** If he's such a bad-ass, why didn't he kill you?

_Cut to Church standing alone in Sidewinder with blood all over the ground. The camera zooms out, revealing all the Sidewinder Blues are dead._

They couldn't help but feel sick. This _man_ slaughtered an entire army and leaving only one person left to remember that. Ruby sobbed in Yang's shoulder, remembering what Jimmy was going to when he got out of the army.

**Church:** To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.

"What...?" The RWBYs said in disbelief,

"That's how he knew?" Ruby said quietly.

**Tucker:** Where?

**Church:** You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married (The girls heard Ruby growl, 'Tex is so dead.'). Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

**Tucker**: Okay.

**Church:** I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...

_Church fades away._

**Tucker:** So..! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

"Pervert!" Weiss & Yang yelled.

Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

"HE MEANT THAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out. That's it; the entire canyon is full of idiots.

_The camera pans, revealing Tex standing behind Tucker and Caboose._

"Oh my god..." Weiss said. Blake couldn't believe how good Tex was at stealth. Yang was impressed by what she's seen. But Ruby was the only one not impressed. Actually, she kinda hoped that Tex would die.

That's how much she loves romance.

After a quick break to tend to their needs (with Yang now regretting going first without any nose protection), Blake grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Knock Knock. Who's There? **_**Pain.**_**)**

_Sarge and Grif are standing next to the Warthog which is now on its side behind Red Base. Lopez is crouched over it, repairing it. A socket wrench is heard in the background._

"Oh my god, he's saving the Jeep!" Yang cheered. The RWBYs were starting to regret letting Yang watch this stuff. More than letting Ruby watch it.

**Grif:** And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowin' up. I don't know. _(sighs)_

**Sarge:** _(exhales in exasperation)_ Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

**Grif:** I-I don't know, uh, like, uh, what.. ten, ten.. twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe (The RWBYs had to face palm at Grif's understanding of the military's budget)? Uh, you-you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

**Sarge:** Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.

_Lopez stops working and stands up to face Grif._

"Oh come on, I don't think Lopez would be the violent type, right?" Ruby said. The others didn't respond as Lopez seemed to react to that a bit too quickly for their liking,

'Please don't be another Simmons, one is enough already.'

**Grif:** Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and-

_Lopez puts down his tool for a gun._

"Yep, he's going to do it." Weiss muttered, 'Great, another kiss ass.'

**Sarge:** Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

**Grif:** _(backing away)_ Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then.

_Lopez and Sarge look at each other then turn and start firing at Grif off screen._

**Grif:** Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here.

_Cut to the top of Blue Base where Tucker is standing next to Tex who is firing at something._

**Tucker:** That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

**Tex:** And your flag. _(reloads)_

"Holy shit, that is one _deep_ voice!" Yang exclaimed. Though, there was something off about it. Unnatural. But she also felt like she heard that voice before underneath the helmet. She just couldn't see what it was.

**Tucker:** Right, that too.

_Tex throws a grenade at something._

**Tucker**: Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.

_Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing "at" Caboose_.

Blake was starting to feel disgusted. No one would use their own team mates as target practice, even in the White Fang. Though, after meeting Ruby, she could see that it was justified. She couldn't help but feel sorry for Caboose too.

**Caboose:** I'm scared.

_Tex starts looking over various weapons. Caboose runs up to Tex and Tucker._

**Tucker:** So, you've got the Special Forces black armour, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?

**Tex:** _(looks at Tucker while reloading a gun)_

**Tucker:** Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-

_Tex runs off._

"I guess he's already going for the flag." Weiss figured. Though, she was afraid this Tex would completely destroy the Reds, 'Wait, what am I worried about. As far as I know, they don't even deserve to be soldiers.'

**Tucker:** Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

**Caboose:** _(whispering loudly)_ I don't think he likes you.

**Tucker:** ...Thanks.

_Tucker and Caboose run up to the edge of the base._

**Tucker:** Where are you going?

**Tex:** Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

"He does take his job seriously." Blake muttered. Yang somehow felt weird at the mention of masculine words. It felt plain wrong for her.

**Caboose:** Oh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans...porter...

_Cut to Grif on top of Red Base._

Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because _SOMEBODY_ didn't believe in it.

**Simmons:** Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.

**Donut:** Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own colour armour now?

"Well, it would be good for him to change armour. I don't want two Sarges." Ruby said. The RWBYs feared the thought of a second Sarge.

**Simmons:** What do you mean "captured"? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

**Donut:** Still, you think there's a shot?

**Simmons:** Maybe they'll give you Grif's armour, since he destroyed the Warthog.

**Grif:** Hyeah, heh-wait... You don't... You don't think they'd do that, do you?

"I think they would." Yang said.

_Cut to Sarge watching Lopez fix the Warthog. A socket wrench is heard in the background_.

**Sarge:** Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there.

_Lopez stands up._

**Sarge**: I think that's what's makin' that rattle.

_Lopez turns and faces Sarge_.

**Sarge:** I think I'll let you do it.

_Lopez returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Sarge._

"He still has invisibility. But how is it running?" Blake questioned, "It obviously needs something to help it run."

**Sarge:** What the...? What was that?

"But Sarge might have more sensitive hearing. He can probably detect Tex." Weiss added in.

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:** Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?

Simmons: _(looking over the edge of the base)_ I thought I saw something for a second.

"Or maybe it's the shimmer of the armour." Blake said, figuring out the weakness.

_Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Grif._

**Grif:** Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.

**Donut:** Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. _(drops the flag into the middle of the base)_

"Great place, Donut." Yang said sarcastically.

_Cut to Tex, then to Grif and Simmons looking off the edge of the base._

**Simmons:** Did you hear that?

**Grif:** Yeah.

**Donut:** _(whispering)_ Hey! What's going on?

_Cut to Tex who throws a plasma grenade, then cut to Grif and Simmons from behind. Grif turns around._

"Um... what's that?" Ruby asked. The other literally had no idea.

**Grif:** What the fuck?

_Cut to Donut who has the plasma grenade stuck to his helmet._

"Whatever it is, it can't be good." Blake said.

**Donut:** What?

**Simmons:** _(turns around)_ What is that thing?

**Donut:** _(concerned)_ What Thing?

**Grif:** There's somethin' on your head.

Blake thought she heard something so she turned up her hearing a bit. Her eyes widened when she realised what type of sound it was.

Sizzling like a grenade.

"Fuck, Donut got stuck with a grenade!" She exclaimed, surprising the RWBYs.

**Donut:** What, is it a spider? Get it off!

"IT'S NOT A SPIDER! GET IT OFF!" Ruby yelled out.

**Simmons:** No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.

"WHY ARE THEY JUST STANDING THERE?!" Weiss exclaimed. The thing could blow up any second now.

**Donut**: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!

**Grif:** It's not a spider! Calm down. It's some kinda... fuzzy, pulsating thing.

"IT'S A STICKY GRENADE!" Yang yelled, she didn't want Ruby to see someone die again.

**Donut:** That doesn't sound much better than a spider.

**Simmons:** Does it hurt?

"It's going to hurt a lot soon." Blake whispered to herself as she braced herself.

**Donut:** No.

**Simmons:** Maybe we should try to take it off.

"No, it's too late! Throw him out of Red Base!" Yang said.

**Grif:** Good idea. Go for it.

**Simmons:** Me? By "we" I meant "you". Asshole.

"Why are they fighting?!" Weiss complained, 'Donut is fucked!'

**Donut:** Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.

_The grenade explodes._

"DONUT!"

_Grif and Simmons:_ Son of a bitch!

_Fade to black with sounds of people being hit._

**Grif:** Sim- Where'd he go?

_More sounds of people being hit._

**Grif:** Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

"I don't think he'll look pretty after that." Ruby said. She was shaken but she thought thanks to the armour Donut could've survived.

She hoped anyway.

Save Game... Quit!

Whew! DONE! Anyway, leave suggestions for what episodes should be put together for a future chapter.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	11. Chapter 10: Tex me, before you go

Hey, UknownHero here and BOO MOTHERFUCKA! Well, that was lame but in my time zone, it's fucking Halloween! Get your costumes, cosplay as some random character you saw on TV/ the internet and go trick or treating! Or egg someone's house, I don't give a shit. Anyway, I want to say sorry first to those I have PM'd. I was really tired when I saw you responses and stuff and I wasn't thinking straight. Now for the suggestions: For those wanting me to keep putting 3 episodes in one chapter... HOORAY, YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED! GET READY FOR A *Pulling out calculator* equals... A 74 CHAPTER FIC! 64 CHAPTERS TO GO! Also, I am an idiot. I forgot to put the reviewer's name in the concept chapter for the _planned_ sequel of this fic. His/her name is... . Not even going to attempt to say that name but thank you sanguis for someone actually _wanting_ the Reds and Blues watch RWBY. At least someone remembers that it goes the other way around. It's like people are forgetting that there are other types of 'fics' *hint hint*. To Seeker213: Those Mini-series are definitely will be put up. And To Wei Tzu, I will no confirm _or _deny that the RWBYs will watch their trailers. Okay, that's done, TIME FOR ANOTHER TRIPLE NOT-SO-SPECAIL OF RWBY!

Chapter 10: Tex me, before you go **(Down, but Not Out, Human Peer Bonding, Roomier Than It Looks)**

Ruby wasn't feeling like herself today. Maybe it was because she was reminded of the death of her parents or the fact that Qrow was missing, maybe even the possible brain damage she suffered due to blood loss or when Yang punched her in the back of her head. But for some reason, she felt more like herself than she ever did. She felt like she could go against 200 Ursa and come out clean.

And even if she did die, she would become a ghost like Church. Actually, the RWBYs were discussing the subject during the break they were taking.

"A g-g-ghost." Blake said in disbelief at what their leader was saying,

"Yep!" She said simply,

"A spirit." Weiss added,

"Boo motherfucker!" Ruby said, causing Blake to jump back, Weiss to face palm and Yang to finally realise that she fucked up big time, "Anyway, do you think Donut's okay?" Ruby asked worryingly. So far, Donut was probably the most sane character, and she did like the Rookie. Kinda reminded her of her at times. A bit naive but loveable. Though, she did like Caboose too, 'I really hope he likes cookies.'

"I don't think anyone could sur-mph!" Weiss got interrupted by Yang covering her mouth,

"Don't worry, Ruby. I'm sure he's fine." Yang said, all while thinking, 'I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, please spirit of Ruby's mother not haunt my ass.' "Anyway Ruby, he only just came. They won't kill off a character this soon."

"Uh... isn't Church dead?" Blake said. This caused Ruby to go into a depression, thinking about his grieving girlfriend, before brightening up,

"Maybe he still can!" Ruby yelled out all of a sudden. Weiss, Blake & Yang looked at her weirdly, "I mean is, have you ever seen that coma movie with Ashton Cutcher in it?" The others nodded cautiously, "Well maybe he can purpose to her like in the movie an-"

"Ruby, shut up." Weiss interrupted with a sigh, "That can't happen in real life, let alone in the movie."

"But the Blues can see him!"

"He's dead! You can't marry a dead man!"

"Oh yes I can!"

"EW! RUBY!"

"I will prove that love will conquer all."

"Wanna bet on it?" Weiss said smugly, causing Ruby to be a bit angrier and blurt out the first thing she thought of,

"THE LOSER KISSES THE WINNER'S LIPS!" There was a silence as the rest of the RWBYs processes the bet, before all of them yelling out a big fat "WHAT?!"

"Deal Weiss? I win when Church purposes to his girlfriend." Ruby said with a serious voice while holding out her pinky. Weiss knew she was going to regret doing this, she was going to lose no matter what and if they pinky swore there was no going back,

"Deal. I win when Church doesn't." Weiss said as she shook the red cloaked girl's pinky with her own. While they did, Yang fainted and Blake blushed madly before saying she had to go to the bathroom. While playing 'Mirror Mirror' on the stereo, with the volume turned up to max.

(A few hours later... and realisations of what the bet was)

"FUCK!"

"What happened?!" Blake said as she rushed to the dorm, hot and sweaty. She saw Weiss banging her head on a wall and Ruby rocking back and forth muttering 'I'm an idiot, I don't deserve to exist.' In an emo tone. Blake decided it was time to watch more Red vs Blue. Then they can yell at soldiers on a TV screen than each other. Blake woke Yang up, placed Ruby on her chair, pulled Weiss from her head-banging wall and grabbed the remote, "Okay, let's just calm down. I think it's time to watch some more. From now on, we will be watching in 3 episode intervals. Any objections?" Blake said with her patented cat glare. The others quickly nodded. Blake smirked and sat down on her chair and pressed play for the next episode.

**(Down, but Not Out)**

**Grif:** _(heard in distance)_ Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

_Fade in to Blue Base. Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle._

**Caboose:** Man... He is really kicking their asses.

Yang was seriously feeling uncomfortable about masculine words, 'Why am I so weird about calling Tex a guy?!' While Yang was thinking about that, Weiss was wondering when they would figure out Tex was a female.

Yes, Weiss already knew. She figured that since they've only seen guys so far, she guessed that Tex was a girl. She was waiting for the RWBYs to realise it, having accidentally let it slip last time. Luckily, no one caught on. Also, the voice was a dead giveaway. Now it was just the waiting game...

**Tucker:** How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

"Because you would you it to look in the girl's bathroom." Weiss growled.

**Caboose:** _(lowers the rifle)_ I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

**Tucker:** Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

**Caboose:** Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

**Tucker:** It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

"Oh you fucker." Blake growled as well. The Blue Team only had Tex for a short time and now they were replacing Church with him already. If their leader s-wait, 'Who was the Blue Team's leader again?'

**Caboose:** Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

**Tucker:** Did Tex get in the base?

**Caboose:** _(raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base)_ Yeah.

_Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears._

"Okay, where did that come from?!" Ruby yelled out pretty scared,

"Probably teleportation or something." Blake responded.

**Male Game Voice:** Blue Team, flag returned.

"Okay, where did THAT come from?!"

**Tucker:** What the...? Who said that?

**Church:** _(clears throat)_ Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

"Wow." Yang said, "Did he really have to be so dramatic about it?" Yang paused for a second before saying, "Forget what I just said."

**Caboose:** Hey, it's Church!

**Church:** Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.

**Caboose:** _(peppy)_ Hey, Church, what're you up to?

"I don't know, he is _dead!_" Weiss exclaimed.

**Church:** Caboose, _(laughs)_ ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

**Tucker:** Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

**Church:** Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

**Tucker:** I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.

**Church:** Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

**Caboose:** _(clueless)_ That Sidewinder is cold..!?

**Church:** _(grunts)_ What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

**Tucker:** Not to let him get involved?

**Church:** Right. And what did you do?

**Tucker:** ...We let him get involved.

"I wonder why Church doesn't want Tex involved? He looks like an ordinary merc." Ruby stated. Weiss was trying to hold in the laughter, 'Calm down Weiss. Tex isn't confirmed to be a girl just yet.'

**Church:** And not just a little involved. How involved?

**Caboose:** Very, very involved.

_Cut____to Tex in the Red Base._

**Sarge:** _(emerging from the left)_ Freeze.

_Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in._

"Holy shit, Sarge actually caught Tex." Blake said. She was impressed that Sarge was a good soldier, he just wasn't good at everything else.

**Sarge:** Drop your weapon.

**Tex:** _(drops the gun)_ Hey, buddy.

**Sarge**: What.

**Tex:** You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

_Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out._ _Cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet._

"I think it did." Yang said.

**Grif:** Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

**Simmons:** _(stands up from tending to Donut)_ He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

"Fuck, forgot about Donut." Ruby said quietly, "But at least he's alright."

**Grif:** Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted (This caused a few snickers to go around, "What grown man faints?"), and then some black thing showed up and started-

**Simmons:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

**Grif:** Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

**Simmons:** Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

**Grif:** Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. _(runs down the ramp)_

**Simmons:** Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

The RWBYs felt kind of sorry for Grif. He was at least pretty smart.

_Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base._

**Caboose:** Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... _(inhales sharply as he has an epiphany)_Or captured AND dead!

"Uh... no one can be captured and be dead." Blake stated,

"Unless you're a Ghostbuster! Who you gonna ca-"

"Shut up Ruby." They all said at the same time. This caused Ruby to go back to her seat sadly.

**Church:** _(sarcastic)_ Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

**Tucker:** What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.

**Church:** I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

**Caboose:** She?

"TEX IS A GIRL?! WHO NAME'S THEIR KID TEX?!" Yang yelled out in disbelief. Blake was face palming, considering this was the first girl they've seen in the series,

"That's it. Tex is so fucking dead." Ruby growled. But now was the question, 'What was Tex's real voice?'

_Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present._

**Simmons:** Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

**Sarge:** Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! _(turns to Tex)_ Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

_Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back._ _There's a brief sound like a distorted voice._

Ruby would've said something about Tex being a female robot but was too distracted in find ways to kill Tex, 'Maybe a sniper bullet to the ass and out her fucking head?'

**Tex:** _(now sounding female)_ Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

"Oh my god..." Yang said quietly. She knew this voice off by heart,

"What is it?" Weiss asked,

"It couldn't be... but Caboose..." Weiss just shrugged and went back to watching.

**Grif:** Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

The girls growled a bit (apart from Yang who was still processing)

**Tex**: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?

"It is, isn't it?" Yang muttered,

"What is it, Yang? Does it sound like someone we know?" Blake asked,

"It sounds nothing like her, but..."

"YANG!" Ruby yelled out as she grabbed her sister's collar, "WHO. IS. IT."

"G-G-G-G-"

"G-G-Gavin? Gavino? Goeff?"

"G-Glenda Goodwitch." This caused Ruby to drop her sister back on her chair and faint. Weiss and Blake couldn't believe it too,

"But Tex doesn't sound anything like her!" Blake said,

"Oh yeah? Think about it?" Yang suggested. Blake thought about it, and the more she thought, the more it made sense,

"Oh my God."

"Yep." After everything calmed down and Ruby woke up, Weiss played the next episode.

**(Human Peer Bonding)**

_Fade in to Tucker on top of Blue Base._

**Tucker:** Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

"TEX WAS WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out,

"B-But I thought Church had a girl back home!" Ruby yelled out,

"He was probably referring to Tex. He probably still loves her enough to prepose." Weiss said. Ruby was touched... even though she still wanted Tex dead, 'NO ONE FUCKS UP A RELATIONSHIP ON MY WATCH, OR MY NAME ISN'T RUBY-FUCKING-ROSE!' She also wanted to win the bet... for some odd reason,

"Whoever wrote Tex being Church's ex is a genius." Weiss said sarcastically,

"Yeah, he should get an ostrich!" Ruby yelled out,

"Uh... don't you mean 'Oscar', Ruby?" Yang corrected,

"No." The dark crimson haired girl simply said. This cause the RWBYs to shift away from her,

"She does know that the Death Egg Grimm is the most dangerous Grimm out there, right?" Blake whispered to her partner,

"First thing we learned at Signal." Yang said worryingly (AN: Joke from chistopherwebbingjr (name off by memory))

**Church:** In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

**Caboose:** I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.

"Aw..." Blake said, "They have good reason to."

**Tucker:** Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

**Caboose:** I like me...

**Tucker:** I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

**Church:** I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

**Caboose:** Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

**Church:** Uh... because she's from Texas.

"Sounds like a dumb place to live." Yang muttered. Then she felt pain in the back of her head again, this time it flung her off her seat. Yang quickly got up and looked behind her. Again, no one was there. Hell, the rest of the RWBYs didn't notice, 'Okay... why do I feel like I'm pissing off a lot of important people? Meh, it's probably nothing.'

**Caboose:** ...

**Church:** Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

**Tucker:** Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

"Fuck you, Tucker!" The RWBYs yelled out, "No one will sleep with you!"

**Church:** Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armour with this _really_ aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

"A.I? As in Artificial Intelligence? What does he mean by aggressive A.I?" Blake talked to herself. The others were wondering too.

**Caboose:** A.I... What's the A stand for?

**Church **(& Weiss)**:** Artificial.

**Caboose:** ...What's the I-

**Church **(& Weiss)**:** _(interrupts)_ Intelligence.

The others went quiet before looking at Weiss, "Don't you dare..." she growled.

**Caboose:** Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

"Dumbass..." Weiss & Blake muttered.

**Church:** Let's move on.

**Tucker:** So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

**Church:** Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Ruby had to sniff a little, "Even with all those enhancements, he still loves her." She said, before crying into Yang's shoulder, "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!"

"I don't think beautiful is the word for it." Yang muttered as she awkwardly rubbed her sister's back (AN: Thank you Iron-Mantis for the joke).

**Tucker:** Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.

**Church:** So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

**Caboose:** I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!

"Uh... you know what, I think Caboose might be the 'Ruby' of Red vs Blue." Blake whispered to Weiss. She agreed, remembering how many things she misunderstood or blindingly didn't listen.

(Flashback)

"RUBY, THAT IS NOT A MAGAZINE ABOUT BUNNIES!"

"What was that, Weiss? I was just reading this magazine ab-wow, that is _a lot_ of boobs."

(End Flashback)

**Church:** Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint._

**Grif:** So, you're a girl, huh?

"I think this is the first girl they've seen in years." Yang said.

**Tex:** ...

**Simmons:** Just ignore him, that's what I do.

**Grif:** Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

**Tex:** Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

**Grif:** Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?

"Bad move dude." Ruby said, remembering how Yang gets information.

_Tex leans in at Grif quickly. Grif flinches and steps back_.

**Grif:** Ahh! Not in the face!

_Cut to Church on Blue Base._

**Church:** Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

"And we know how those go." Blake said for the team.

**Tucker:** A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ...mission statement?

**Church:** I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.

**Caboose:** _(nervous)_ Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

"I think Caboose might be right." Weiss muttered.

**Church:** The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armour, while I sneak in the back of the base.

**Tucker:** Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armour?

_Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at it too._

**Tucker:** _(looks back at Church)_ ...Oh fuckberries...

"Oh fuckberries indeed. This might be interesting." Yang muttered, wondering how the plan will go. But from what she's seen so far, probably not well. A quick break and Yang quickly played the next episode.

**(Roomier Than It Looks)**

_Tucker comes out of the teleporter with black armor on._

"Back to black, huh Blake?" Yang said as she nudged the cat girl. A quick growl shut Yang up.

**Church:** Are you okay, Tucker?

**Tucker:** Yeah, I'm fine. _(runs up to the top of a nearby hill)_ Come on, Caboose!

**Caboose:** _(on top of the base)_ Does it hurt?!

**Tucker:** No, not at all!

"I have a feeling it does." Weiss thought out loud. When she gets out of Beacon, she's going to stop the Dust Teleportation Project.

**Caboose:** Okay! Here I come!

**Church:** Does it hurt for real?

**Tucker:** Ohh, yeah. Big time.

_Church and Tucker turn towards the teleporter._

**Caboose:** _(emerging from the teleporter in black armour)_ Owwwchie. _(turns to Tucker)_ You lied to me.

_Cut to Sarge on top of Red Base._

**Sarge:** Ah, dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?

"I don't think black armour is going to help." Blake said.

_Lopez looks through a sniper rifle, then turns to Sarge and lowers his head. Camera pans down to Grif and Simmons inside the base._

**Simmons:** There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.

**Grif:** That's what I'm saying. Bolth.

**Simmons:** Both.

"It doesn't matter. Both of them are idiots." Weiss muttered, saying 'bolth',

"It's pronounced both, Weiss." Yang corrected. Weiss was about to say something but didn't want anymore RWBY wars.

**Grif:** You sound like such an ass the way you say it.

**Sarge:** Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here ("'The fuck? Who says 'keister' these days?" (Ruby) ). Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

**Grif:** As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, sir.

**Simmons:** BOTH.

"Is there a pronunciation Nazi out there?" Ruby asked Weiss. Weiss nodded out of reflex, remembering the time she had to do a speech when she was in 3rd Grade... in front of an entire factory. She shivered, also remembering every time she messed up on a word. On a side note: she is now immune to lightning.

**Grif:** Seriously, man, like an ass.

**Sarge:** Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honour system - have her guard herself.

"Wow... they suck at keeping hostages." Blake said.

**Grif:** Good point, sir.

**Sarge:** YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.

**Grif:** Yeah... _(sighs)_ I'll be right up.

_Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle._

**Church:** Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio._

**Tucker:** Roger that.

"Wait... if Church is dead, why is he talking into a radio?" Ruby asked no one. This sparked a bit of curiosity between the girls.

**Caboose:** Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that... Is that Church?

**Church:** Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.

**Caboose:** _(speaking over Church, drowning him out)_ Tell him, that I... that I said... for me to say hi..?

**Tucker**: Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.

_Cut to Church._

**Church:** I said, just keep movin-

**Tucker:** _(over radio)_ I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

**Church:** _(severs the connection)_ Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

'I can't believe it either.' The RWBYs thought. How humiliating, they could imagine his grave stone:

Leonard (Whatever his middle name is) Church

Age: (The RWBYs didn't know)

XXXX to XXXX

Died by a friendly missile to the face, protecting a flag. He was a prick and a horrible shot. He won't be missed.

The RWBYs realised now that they sucked at imagining grave stones.

_Cut to Grif looking through a sniper rifle. Church can be seen running through the background towards Red Base._

**Grif:** I don't see any- _(sees Caboose running across the Gulch)_ Uh oh. Yep, there's one._(Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it)_ ...Why is he just standing there?

_Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock_.

**Tucker:**Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

**Caboose:** They can't see me. I can't see them!

"Oh my god, I can't take much more of this." Yang groaned while slumping down.

**Tucker:** That's because you're facing the rock.

**Caboose:** _(looks at the base)_ Oh. Right. _(ducks behind the rock)_

**Tucker**: Real smooth, dipshit.

_Cut to Sarge on Red Base._

**Sarge:** They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew-_(Church enters Sarge's body)_ Wa-kika-herger!

"Wait, Sarge was at Sidewinder," Blake noted, "So maybe... Tex did what she did to the Blues and did that to the Reds." The team shivered, though Yang really wanted to know how to pull out a skull and beat them to death with it, 'Uh... you know, to use on the Grimm.'

**Grif:** Sir, are you okay?

**Church** **as Sarge:** Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?

"Great impression of Sarge Church. Second place!" Yang said, but got a tomato thrown at her, "Ruby!"

"Wasn't me!" Ruby quickly defended while casually hiding away a basket full of fruit labelled 'In case Yang tells a pun or groan worthy joke', "Weiss did it!"

"Hey!"

**Grif:** _(sarcastically)_ No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.

_Lopez takes a swing at Grif who steps back._

**Grif:** Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

**Church:** Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit! _(horks one up and spits on his visor)_

"Ew." The girls said while turning a bit green.

**Grif:** ...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

**Church:** Uh, yeah. I guess I did.

**Grif:** Permission to speak freely, sir?

**Church:** Go ahead.

**Grif:** That's really fucking gross.

"Couldn't say that better myself." Weiss muttered,

_Cut to Caboose crouching down._

**Caboose:** Hey, Tucker?

**Tucker:** What?

**Caboose**: I'm having a really good time... with... you.

"This is supposed to be a mission. I don't think you're supposed to enjoy it." Blake stated. Though, now that she thought about it, Yang is a bit like Caboose.

**Tucker:** _(annoyed)_ That's great, Caboose.

**Caboose:** Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.

The RWBYs were about to say something about them being _real _soldiers, until they realised they weren't.

**Tucker:** Would you please go hide behind another rock?

_Cut to Church as Sarge running down to where Tex and Simmons are_.

**Church:** Hey, man. What's up, yo?

"Who the fuck says 'Yo'?" Yang said,

"About every rapper and gangster known to mankind." Ruby replied.

**Simmons:** Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?

**Church:** What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?

**Simmons:** I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

**Church:** Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ...other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you.

**Simmons:** _(turning around to face Tex)_ Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

_Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down._

**Simmons:** Ow, geez, the back of my head!

"Very subtle." Weiss muttered.

**Tex:** What the hell are you doing!?

**Church:** Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.

**Tex:** You're kind of short to be Church.

**Church:** What? Oh yeah, right. The armour.

_Church leaves Sarge_.

**Sarge:** Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?

**Church:** Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armour that they got from going through the teleporter.

**Tex:** ...Okay.

"No wonder Tex is perfect for Church." Ruby muttered, 'Doesn't mean I won't hunt you down, bitch. Maybe I'll go after your voice.'

**Church:** What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

**Tex:** No. It pretty much all makes sense.

**Church:** Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

**Tex:** I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...

**Church:** Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here.

**Sarge:** _(as Church re-enters him)_ Huuurk!

_Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle, with Tucker near him_.

**Tucker:** What're you doing?

**Caboose:** One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.

"He wants to be _friends?_ Even after all those comments?" Blake asked, surprised how much this guy is determined to do anything. The RWBYs understood that he wanted to make up for killing Church.

**Tucker:** Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?

**Caboose:** _(taking aim on Sarge's head)_ Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.

"Wait... isn't that Church, who's possessing Sarge?" Weiss asked. Was Caboose really going to... 

_Cut to Church as Sarge, and Tex, outside the Red Base_.

**Church:** Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!

_Caboose shoots Sarge in the head, and his body falls down._

"NO!" Ruby yelled out, her cloak turning white for a second before turning back to red after Yang wrapped her arms around her. The rest of them couldn't believe it.

"Did Caboose just..." (Blake)

"Yep." (Weiss)

"I have a feeling that this might be a running gag." (Yang, who was still holding onto a sobbing Ruby, who was muttering, 'Not again...')

**Church:** What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!

**Caboose:** Tucker did it!

The RWBYs eyes widened at that sentence. They only had one thought in their minds,

'Caboose, you team-killing fucktard bitch ass.'

Save Game... Quit!

Whew! Done! Anyway, send in suggestions for jokes because I can't keep making up more.

UknownHero signing off, m-OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!


	12. Chapter 11: Exit Stage Right

(Please feel free to skip this section because I have a feeling this thing is going to be fucking long as well as the end card stuff at the bottom)

Hello everybody! I'm the UknownHero and welcome to not another normal chapter of RWBY. Why did I say that? Because it's we are currently 5 episodes away from the season finale! And guess what? I'm still only doing 3 and the next chapter will be a two-for-one-special.

Nah, just kidding. I'm doing all five just to round it up!

Also, I want to see how long a five episode chapter is so I can prepare for the mini-series. Don't worry, I have a long weekend to do this and I usually take a day to do one chapter. Now for suggestions and concerns! Man I should really put up a Q&A Fic or something. Also, if I skip your review concern, I may have put it into the story so I guess you should be excited if you don't see your name in this section. But first to bhark3: What made you think I may be a girl? I have my gender on my profile! Sorry, it had to be said. To Mugiwara N0 Luffy: No, it's weird. Just experience the funny of Rooster Teeth and don't look back. To Seeker213: What do you think? Check what I'm doing right now! After the Season is done, I will start a new chapter. Also, I'm not sure where the RWBY Chronicles will start. Maybe I can pull off an owlgirl (Has great reaction fics by the way and also inspired this fic. Read her stories if you like Naruto!) and get different Red vs Blue Characters from different time periods, say the Reds and Blues from Season 10 while Tex or Carolina from the Season 9 flashbacks. But probably I'll do... before Season 5 ends, so Tex is there as well as _Sister_! I bet you all forgot about her, didn't you? Also, it's more of a brother fic to this one now that I think about it. And regarding your other review, I have read the RvBTV Tropes page. _**All of it**_, even the Fridge Horror. Anyway, to christopherweeblingjr: There are no pairings apart from maybe Jaune & Pyrrha and Ren & Nora.

Unless you want it to be? Screw it, VOTE NOW! WILL THIS FIC HAVE YURI PAIRINGS?!

But as of now, no. The bet was actually the second thing I could think of as of that moment I wrote that. Why did I say second? Because the original bet was that the loser (as in Ruby since *spoilers* Tex will die) will kiss the winner's bare ass in spirit of Simmons. And the bet will not be performed until the RWBYs start watching Season 2, so it gives you time to vote on what happens. Whew, that was long. Get ready people, because it's time for the best first finale ever! Of all time! 3... 2... 1!

Load Game... Start!

Season Finale!-Chapter 11: Exit Stage Right (_Alt: Only the Beginning)_ **(How the Other Half Lives, A Slightly Crueler Cruller, Points of Origin, SPF 0, Last One Out, Hit the Lights)**

Maybe this was it.

The start may have been easy but now they were at a stand still. They couldn't decide on what to do but they all knew one question that may change their way of thought.

Should they lock Ruby in a broom closet?

It was justified, Ruby may have brain damage and she might get more if she watched more Red vs Blue. But the girls didn't want Ruby to spend the rest of the summer in a broom closet, but that would mean Ruby would watch the movies, no matter what. And they couldn't leave her alone. But then again, they didn't want to see a 15 year old girl make out with a princess, "Okay. While Ruby is out getting popcorn, we have to decide now." Blake stated,

"I say we should at least duct tape her to a chair and..."

"No way, princess! We aren't pulling kidnapping manoeuvres!" Yang interrupted Weiss, "Unless you want to?" Yang said with an eyebrow raised. This caused Blake to blush again and feel that familiar heat rising up while Weiss glared at the blonde,

"I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT SHIT!" Weiss yelled, "Anyway, I don't even think Ruby has brain damage. She might be joking, you know?" Weiss muttered. Yang was about to say something else until she realised what Ruby said before Weiss created a shit storm in the bathroom,

"Wait, how many boxes of Marshmallow Flakes did Ruby eat?" Yang asked quickly,

"There were about 46 boxes. Not including the other ones." Weiss growled, still pretty pissed,

"Oh shit, she didn't."

"Oh yes, she did."

"Um... is that a problem?" Blake asked,

"No... except IT'S WORSE!" Yang exclaimed, surprising them,

"Wait, why?!"

"Because, well..." Yang murmured a bit while rubbing the back of her neck,

"Well, what Yang?" Weiss said impatiently,

"W-Well, it isn't brain damage. Actually, this kinda happened a few years ago."

"Ruby ate 46 boxes _before?!_" Blake exclaimed, not believing that for such a small girl could eat that much,

"No... she ate forty-_five_ boxes. And last time, it wasn't pretty. She was so hyped up on sugar that she spent the next 3 months as loopy as Professor Obbleck." Yang said, smiling slightly on how Ruby got her out of many, many classes in Signal,

"So you're saying that Ruby will be like this for **the whole summer?!**" Weiss yelled out,

"Oh no," Yang replied simply, "This is phase one, Emotional Ruby. She's a bit more sensitive to her emotions, a lot braver and a bit more stupid. Kinda like Caboose." Ruby suddenly sneezed as she approached the pantry, feeling slightly insulted,

"Wait, then why does Ruby act like Ruby at times." Weiss asked,

"Because it's only phase one and that she would fall in and out of that phase. In the later phases, she won't though." Yang explained,

"H-How many phases are there?" Blake asked with fear in her voice,

"Ten." There was a silence in the room before Weiss said,

"We're fucked, aren't we?"

"Definitely."

"Correct."

"Okay Yang, what's the next phase?" Weiss asked,

"Oh. Um... it's either Bitch Ruby or Action Ruby." Yang said, trying to remember, "I think I forgot the other phases."

"Oh great." Blake groaned, "We either get a Ruby that will act like Weiss/Church,"

"I AM NOT CHURCH!"

"Or a Ruby who's trying to kill herself on purpose."

"Oh no, she'll just like action just as much as me!" Yang said proudly,

'Please, for the love of god don't make her a Yang clone.' Weiss & Blake thought as they didn't want another Tank-Obsessed girl in their lives (AN: Also, tell me a phase Ruby should go through because I want Ruby to be a bit 'dyanamic'). Anyway, when Ruby came back with the popcorn, they quickly settled down into their chairs and got ready,

"Hey, there are only 5 episodes left, wanna get the season over with?" Yang asked as she looked at the DVD case. The others quickly nodded and started getting ready,

"Alright, this is it! Ready girls?!" (Ruby)

"Let's get this over with." (Weiss)

"Go for it, Ruby." (Blake)

"What are we waiting for!" (Yang)

"Alright, time for the final episodes of Red vs Blue: Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1!" The others groaned, remembering that this was only the beginning.

**(How the Other Half Lives)**

_Colors are dulled. Sarge is running up a hill, toward the camera._

'Oh shit, Sarge might be actually dead.' Yang thought, 'Wait, FUCK YEAH! SARGE IS DEAD!'

**Sarge:** _(with a slight echo)_ Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

_Cut to Church._

**Church:** _(with a slight echo)_ Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

'Yep, he's dead.' The Team thought, "About time he kicked the bucket." Weiss muttered. The team agreed that the man was way over his expiration date.

_Church runs up to Sarge._

**Sarge:** What is this place?

**Church:** Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

**Sarge:** Am I dead?

**Church:** Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

**Sarge:** Are you some kinda angel?

"If he's an angel then Tucker is a fucking Virgin Mary." Blake said,

"And Caboose is God." Ruby casually added in, until she realised what just said, "I don't think I would live on a planet ruled by Caboose."

**Church:** _(chuckling)_ Aheh heh heh... am I an angel. Uh, _(clears throat)_ yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

"Oh fuck no." Yang exclaimed, "If their charging people to go to heaven then I'd pay twenty."

**Sarge:** Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

**Church:** Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

"Says the guy who got team-killed protecting a flag." Blake muttered.

**Sarge:** I don't remember dyin'.

**Church:** Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

**Sarge:** Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

**Church:** Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

_Cut to Sheila aiming at Church._

"HOLY SHIT, SHEILA!" Yang yelled out as she jumped from her chair. Blake & Ruby quickly grabbed Yang to prevent her from hugging the TV screen,

"Definitely worse than Ruby." Weiss muttered as they duct taped Yang to the chair.

**Sheila:** Target locked.

**Church**: Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

_Sheila lowers her turret and drives off._

"Aw..." Team RWBY couldn't resist, feeling a bit sorry for Sheila. While that was happening, Yang was trying to break out of her chair.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons over Sarge's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown._

Ruby had to breath into a brown bag she brought just to keep herself calm.

**Grif:**__Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

"Wow, strange turn of events." Blake muttered. She kinda respected Grif, even with all those comments, he's still willing to save his Leader... even though he wanted to kill him,

"You know he's going to mock Grif after this." Weiss said,

"Oh come on, Weiss. Grif is saving Sarge's life. He might treat him better after this." Ruby retorted,

"He's performing CPR to _a bullet to the head. _And even if he does survive. he wants to kill Grif. I bet he wouldn't."

"Oh... another bet?"

"100 len?"

"200."

"Deal!"

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:** Who is that? Who's there?

**Church:** Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

_Cut to Grif hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun._

**Grif:** You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

"Yep, that definitely how you perform CPR." Yang said sarcastically, before seeing Ruby's fingers to her chin, "I WAS KIDDING!"

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:** That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

**Church:** He can't hear you.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.

_Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

**Church**: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

"I'm not." Blake said without thinking. Before realising she had people around her,

"Uh... Blake?" Ruby asked cautiously, "What the Fuck?" All Blake did was blush and went back to watching.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

'Please, please, please, please, please, please...' Blake thought as she started sweating. The others quickly noticed and shifted away from her (or hop away in Yang's case).

_Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

**Church:** I'm leaving.

**Sarge:** I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

**Church:** Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?

**Sarge:** I thought they didn't like me.

"Aw... they have good reason to, asshole." Weiss said.

**Church:** Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

"Charge fifty, for god sake!" Yang yelled out, breaking out of the duct tape and freaking her team mates out, "What?"

"Nothing!"

**Sarge:** Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

"Oh, because he ate them. They tasted like chicken." Ruby said,

"Are you sure Ruby doesn't have brain damage?" Blake whispered to Yang, who only shrugged.

**Church:** Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

**Sarge**: Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son.

**Church:** No way! The orange guy is your son?

"WHAT?!" Ruby, Yang and Blake exclaimed,

"Wait for it." Weiss simply said while holding up her hand.

**Sarge:** Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

"There we go."

_Cut to Grif rising to his feet._

"Please be good news..." Ruby said quietly.

**Grif:** He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

"YES!" Ruby cheered, but the others were opposite, 'Fuck you, Grif.'

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:** I'm what?

**Church:** He's what?

**Sarge:** Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

**Church:** What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

"Seriously?! He still cares even after he's dead?!" Blake exclaimed, "I have a feeling they are taking this 'Red vs Blue' thing way too seriously."

**Sarge:** Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! _(voice starts to fade away)_ Will I remember any of this?

**Church:** Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

_Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world, the wavy effect is no longer present._

**Sarge:** _(clears throat)_ There. What... What happened here?

"He should've given Church the two bucks." Yang muttered.

**Simmons:** Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

**Sarge:** I always believed in you, Simmons.

**Simmons:** Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

**Sarge:** Grif?

"Here it comes..." Ruby & Weiss said.

**Simmons:** Yes, sir.

**Sarge:** Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

**Grif:** _(sighs)_ You're welcome, sir.

**Sarge:** I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe?_)_ Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. _(long pause)_ ...oh yeah, shiatzu.

Weiss looked slightly smug.

"Fuck you, Weiss." Ruby muttered as she went to grab her wallet. While that was happening, Blake was holding onto the sides of her chair, thinking, 'This is not a yaoi scene, Blake. For God's sake, keep it together woman!' When she realised it was over, she quickly breathed a sigh of relief... until she felt something, 'I am so lucky my favourite is black.' (AN: Thank Iron-Mantis for the jokes) A quick trip to get some soda and Weiss grabbed the remote and pressed play while Ruby was grumbling about cheap heiresses.

**(****A Slightly Crueler Cruller)**

_Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armour._

"Hey, when did the Reds get a girl?" Ruby asked. Yang, Weiss and Blake were wondering too.

**Donut:** Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own colour armour!

"DONUT?!" They exclaimed, "Out of all the freaking colours, he chose _Pink._" Blake muttered. Though, he could just like the colour. But _Pink?_ 'Why did they have it as an opition?'

"I guess it makes sense. He might like Pink-Frosted Sprinkled _Donuts_" Yang said, only to be hit by a pumpkin,

"BOO! GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!"

_Grif and Simmons look at each other._

**Grif:** Uh... hey, Donut?

**Donut:** What?

**Simmons:** Um, about your armour...

**Donut:** What about it?

**Simmons:** How do I put this... Your armour is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?

**Grif:** It's pink. Your armour is frickin' pink!

**Simmons:** Yeah, that's it. Pink.

**Donut:** Pink? My armour's not pink!

"What?" Weiss said in disbelief, "Is he colour blind?! No one is that stupid to say that is not pink."

**Grif:** PINK.

**Simmons:** Yeah, definitely pink.

**Donut:** You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armour?

**Grif:** Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

**Simmons:** _(over Grif's laughter)_ Heh, that's not funny.

**Grif:** _(laughs a little more)_ It's a little funny.

**Donut:** Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a "lightish red".

**Grif:** Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

**Donut:** I hate you guys.

"Okay, why are they making fun of Donut's armour colour? Doesn't Nora wear Pink?" Ruby asked, confused,

"One, because he's a guy, and two, no one is stupid enough to go one-on-one with Nora." Yang replied,

"Well, I don't know about that one but I will admit I don't want to fight Nora... again." Ruby said, shivering at their friendly fight they had once, 'So. Many. Grenades.'

**Sarge:** _(running up the ramp with Lopez in tow)_ Well hello, dirt bags... and a fine hello to you, madam.

**Donut:** It's LIGHT red.

"Just give it up Donut, its pink." Weiss said,

"Well, if you mix red with white, it makes pink. And some people call white a tone rather than a real colour. So, in fact, it is a lightish-red." Ruby pointed out,

"Oh no way, Ruby Rose. That is definitely pink. It can be only called pink!" Weiss retorted as she stood up from her seat,

"No way, it's a lightish-red! Technically." Ruby yelled back as she got up from her chair, walked up to Weiss and glared at her,

"Pink."

"Lightish-red."

"PINK!"

"LIGHTISH-RED!"

"You want to go now?"

"Oh, you're on YOU PRICK!"

*Click!*

"Huh?" the arguing girls said at the same time as they heard the click. They looked down and saw handcuffs around their wrists. Ruby quickly realised what happened,

"YANG!" Ruby yelled out, running after the blonde while dragging the heiress, "I DIDN'T MEAN IT!"

"You _what?!_" Weiss exclaimed, before realising something, "Hey, where did you get the handcuffs?" All of them quickly stopped and automatically looked at Blake, who was blushing madly,

"I don't own those!" She said a little too quickly, causing the girls to look at each other and slowly sit back down, with Ruby sitting next to Weiss. (AN: That joke is the continuation of in Chapter 9)

**Sarge:** Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

**Donut:** Yes sir.

"A package? For what?" Weiss muttered.

**Sarge:** Excellent.

**Donut:** _(holding up a mechanical unit)_ They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.

**Grif:** Speech unit?

"Maybe Lopez's microphone is broken or something." Blake theorised.

**Donut:** _(handing the unit over to Sarge)_ Here you go.

**Sarge:** Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offence, Simmons.

"Wait, _built_?" Ruby exclaimed confused.

**Simmons:** Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

**Grif:** Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?

"LOPEZ IS A FUCKING ROBOT?!" The RWBYs yelled out,

"Of course we couldn't tell, everyone fucking look like robots." Weiss muttered. Yang, though, felt a bit creeped out now. All they needed now was Lopez to start speaking Spainish...

**Simmons:** Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

**Grif:** I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

"Us too." Ruby said, now feeling more confused as hell and questioning her own existence, 'Is Church really a gay robot? Am _I_ a gay robot? Is Weiss a gay robot? Now that I think about it, is Ren a gay robot?!'

**Sarge:** And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

**Grif:** Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

"What kind of fucking idiot see someone drinking motor oil to impress them?" Weiss rhetorically asked.

(Team JNPR)

"ACHOO!" Jaune sneezed, 'Huh, I wonder if someone's talking about me?'

(Team RWBY)

"Uh... I can think of one." Ruby muttered (AN: snake screamer, everybody!).

**Simmons:** Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

**Sarge:** How come?

**Simmons:** Because static could damage the card.

**Sarge:** Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. _(Grif and Simmons look at each other)_ And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! _(he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jumps back)_ YOW!

"Oh! That did not look comfortable." Yang said.

**Simmons:** Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

**Sarge:** Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favourite Private.

**Donut:** It's not pink, it's lightish red!

"PINK!" Everyone screamed out...

"Lightish-red." Apart from 'you know who'.

"SHUT UP RUBY!"

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armour is clean, but Caboose's is still black._

**Caboose:** _(panting)_ Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

**Tucker:** Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armour.

**Caboose:** Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

"Great, an idiot with a short fuse." Blake mumbled,

**Tucker:** I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

"BURN!" Yang yelled out, only to be hit by a chilli pepper, "AH FUCK! IT GOT INTO MY EYES! RUBY!"

"Sorry Yang." Blake muttered as she paused the episode. After Yang quickly washed her eyes (now slightly blind temporarily), they resumed the episode.

**Caboose:** Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:** So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

**Grif:** Right. That was a grenade.

**Donut:** And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting...

This caused the team to laugh, "Oh my god, Simmons is such a pussy!" Blake said between laughs. After a few minutes, they continued.

**Grif:** Ha! Told you so!

**Simmons:** I did not faint.

**Sarge:** Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

**Lopez:** Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.

All of the girls gaped at the now Spanish-speaking robot, all remembering Yang's joke, "Okay, aside from the line guessing that is just plain spooky." Yang said, "Now all we need is a colour blind girl, a British guy (Fun Fact: Yang thinks British accents are sexy!), Donut being gay, a guy with one eye, Sarge actually doing something smart and some crazy dude out to kill all of them." Yang said, inadvertently just covering the entire series (AN: Props to Iron-Mantis again).

**Donut:** _(over the last five numbers)_ Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

"I can." Blake said. The RWBYs looked at her strangely, "What? I already fluently speak 7 different languages thanks to the White Fang."

**Lopez:** Me llamo es Lopez.

"And I can tell you that it's really bad."

**Grif:** Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

**Sarge:** Lopez, speak English.

**Lopez:** Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.

"Uh... translation?" Yang asked,

"Lopez said that his, it, whatever. The English part of the speech unit broke and now he can only speak Spanish." Blake translated,

"Thanks."

**Simmons:** Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

**Sarge:** Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

"Idiot." The RWBYs muttered.

**Donut:** Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.

"Give it up already." Weiss moaned.

**Sarge:** Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

**Lopez:** Negativo.

**Sarge:** Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?

"Y-ES, IT-IS-CALLED-'FUCK-YOU-SARGE!" Yang said in Sarge's accent.

**Grif:** Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

"You can't listen slower." Weiss said, 'I've tried.'

**Sarge:** Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

**Lopez:** _(raising his gun)_ Sí señor. Gracias.

"So Lopez is like Simmons, except he's a Spanish robot." Ruby concluded, which the others nodded to.

_Fade to black._

**Grif:** No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

**Simmons:** Alto means tall, you dumbass.

"In _Italian._" Blake added (AN: Which is correct. I take Italian classes.)

**Grif:** Then why do they put it on stop signs?

"I can't believe that I'm going to say this, but shut up Grif." Weiss muttered. The team took a few minutes to cool off before Yang played the next episode.

**(Points of Origin)**

_Tex, together with Church, Tucker, and Caboose, is standing outside Blue Base._

**Tex:** As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

_Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church._

**Church:** I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

_Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex._

**Tex:** Because _I_ didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

"Like an old married couple." Blake muttered.

_Caboose and Tucker turn back to Church._

**Church:** You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favour.

_Caboose and Tucker turn to Tex._

**Tex:** Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

**Church:** No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

"Great burn by Church of Blue Team! Tex from Team Freelancer, you have to really make up for that abysmal comeback!" Yang commentated, only to be shut up by duct tape.

**Caboose:** Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?

"And the kid always stuck in the middle." Weiss muttered, reminding her of her own parents.

**Tex:** What about you?

**Caboose:** We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!

"Caboose has a point, they did help Tex out of Red base." Ruby said, 'YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, YOU BITCH!'

**Tex:** Well yeah, but...

**Church:** Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.

"Like I said."

**Tex:** I did help them get the flag back.

**Tucker:** Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favour. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

"Wow, the Blues might be the smartest team out of the canyon." Yang noted as she removed enough tape from her mouth to speak,

"Yang, there are only two teams." Weiss reminded Yang,

"And which team has a Spanish Robot that no one can understand?" This got Weiss to shut up, "I thought so."

**Tex:** Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?

**Tucker:** I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.

**Tex:** ...Okay.

**Caboose:** Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.

"HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE BRINGING BACK SHEILA! THERE'S GOOD IN THE WORLD! YES! YES! FUCKING YEAH BABY!" Yang cheered. While that was happening, the RWBYs were slowly shifting away from Yang, clearly embarrassed by Yang's love with the tank,

'Forget Ruby, I think Yang might have brain damage.'(AN: snake screamer, everybody!)

_Cut to Lopez._

**Lopez:** Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.

"Pussy Cat?" Yang asked. Blake only sighed,

"'Then decide which one of us weighs more, I weigh more. Then they put those of our bodies on the scale and was determined who had the greatest weight. After that the Heavy one you would call Lopez to me.'" Blake translated, "I think."

"But I though you knew how to speak Spanish." Ruby said,

"I said I _speak_ Spanish fluently, doesn't mean I can translate well."

"B-But, huh?" Weiss said, not believing Blake can't even translate a language she can speak fluently. Hell, Weiss didn't even finish learning enough necessary English before she was forced to train 24/7, 'They said it aren't that hard to learn English.'

**Grif:** Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?

**Simmons:** What're you asking me for?

**Grif:** Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion.

**Simmons:** Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish.

"I don't think Simmons is a Dutch-Irish name." Ruby muttered.

**Grif:** But I thought-

**Simmons:** What?

**Grif:** Eh, never mind.

**Donut:** ...I'm from Iowa.

**Grif and Simmons:** Nobody cares!

"Seriously, all these places sound like the stupidest places to live." Yang muttered, only to be pelted with rock melons from out of nowhere, "OKAY THAT'S IT! RUBY!"

"Wh- OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YANG!?" Ruby exclaimed as she saw her beaten sister,

"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THOSE FRUITS!?"

"Um... Yang, I never put rock melon in the basket." Ruby pointed out,

"Th-Then, where are-" Yang paused before saying, "I think there are people trying to kill me." Then she saw that the RWBYs weren't paying attention, so she gave up and went back to her seat. Then she felt something in her pocket. She pulled out a piece of paper and (written in blood, _her blood_ specifically) said:

'Don't fuck with America. Especially Texas

-RT'

Yang shivered, taking note not to mess with this RT.

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose sneaking up behind Sheila_.

**Church:** Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed ("YES!"). So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online.

**Caboose:** Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-

_In the background, Tex flips Sheila back over_.

"Holy shit, Tex is strong." Yang said, "That, or the military has some really light tanks."

**Caboose:** Oh. She is a very strong lady.

**Church:** I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.

**Caboose:** Great, I'll come with you!

**Church:** That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.

**Caboose:** Okay. What if I'm really... _(softer)_ really... _(whispering)_ quiet?

"Then... you're... an idiot." Weiss whispered, which freaked Blake out a bit. It reminded her of a ghost talking.

**Church:** Do you even understand what the term "visibility" means?

**Caboose:** Ah hah hah, uhh... good one, Church.

**Church:** Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?

**Caboose:** Uh, no...

"I think Caboose might be the dumbest guy on the planet." Ruby muttered, 'And I thought he was smart.'

**Church:** Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.

**Tucker:** Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement.

_Tucker runs up to Tex who is welding on the tank_.

**Tucker:** So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.

**Tex:** _(stops to face Tucker)_ I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.

"Basically every merc's motto." Blake muttered, remembering the mercs the White Fang hired. Let's just say they won't ever touch Blake again.

**Tucker:** Yeah, but you like it.

**Tex:** Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

**Tucker:** So let's say I payed you to kill Caboose. _(looks at Caboose)_ You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

**Tex:** Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

"Wow, Tex must really like money." Yang said. Blake was angry that Tex would turn on her own team, her own employers, just for a couple more dollars.

**Tucker:** Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

_Church is up on the ledge where he was killed._

**Church:** Hey, Tucker!

**Tucker:** What?!

**Church:** What the hell is my body still doing up here?

**Tucker:** That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.

"Translation: We're too fucking lazy." Ruby said.

**Church:** Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?

**Tucker:** Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?

"You can dig with your hands." Blake said, remembering the Dog Fauna.

**Church:** Well then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.

The girls face palmed, realizing that Church just gave Tucker the perfect ammo to use against him (though Weiss got flung off her chair thanks to Ruby using her handcuffed arm) (AN: Again, Iron-Mantis! Wow, you make a lot of jokes.)

**Tucker:** Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?

_Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again_

_._

**Tucker:** That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!

"I think that was Church's _only_ loved one and she doesn't love him." Yang said. The RWBYs were now 2 episodes away from the finale, "Alright girls, ready for the next one?" The nodded as Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(SPF 0)**

_Church, Caboose and Tucker are standing over Church's body._

"Seriously, even the dumbest idiot will bury someone!" Weiss complained, disgusted by the Blues lack of respect.

**Church:** I am not happy about this.

**Caboose:** I have an idea. ...I HAVE AN IDEA!

**Tucker:** Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.

**Caboose:** Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?

"Uh... that's basically making Church a zombie." Yang pointed out, in which Weiss responded in saying,

"Nope, he would be living in his dead body, unable to move, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

**Church:** Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body. 

"Ah fuck!"

**Caboose:** Yes.

**Church:** Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.

"It's official. Church is the Weiss of Red vs Blue, those who agree say 'Aye'!" Ruby said. Yang and Blake said 'Aye' while Weiss was shaking in anger, "It's okay, Weiss. At least you're not exactly like Church."

"Well..." Weiss thought for a second before saying, "Then you're Caboose!"

"I am not Caboose. And even if I am, then... Blake is Tex! Am I wrong, Blake?"

"You know," Blake said, "I actually wouldn't mind being compared to Tex. And the added fact that Tex is the only girl is a good bonus."

"Well, uh... Yang is... uh, Sarge?"

"Ruby, just give it up." Yang said, before saying, "And if you compare me to Sarge again, you'll be waking up in the infirmary, 3 weeks from now and with every bone broken." This shut Ruby up.

**Caboose:** Yes.

**Church:** Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.

**Caboose:** I think you are a mean ghost.

'Every ghost is mean.' Blake thought, 'Never again will I play Beyond: Two Souls.'

**Tucker:** Dude, you really stink.

**Church:** What?

**Tucker:** Your body, it stinks.

"Is Tucker suggesting that they should wash Church's body?" Ruby said, but didn't get a response due to the fact (In the wise words of Grif) 'That is fucking gross.'

**Church:** Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

**Tucker:** Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

**Church:** It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN HIT A BOULDER 5 FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!" Ruby exclaimed, the others had to agree that Church is now in the running for Worse Sniper Ever. Of all time.

**Tucker:** Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

**Caboose:** Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?

"Oh god." Weiss said as she rubbed her forehead.

**Church:** _(as a sigh)_ Nuh, God.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons on the Red Base_.

**Grif:** Okay, I'll go again. I spy something.. that begins with...

**Simmons:** Dirt.

**Grif:** Damn! How did you-

**Simmons:** Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.

"At least Simmons knows what the situation he's in." Blake muttered.

**Grif:** Yeah, this canyon sucks.

"What canyon doesn't suck?" Yang muttered, "They are just over-sized holes waiting to be filled." Suddenly, at the back of her mind, she heard someone say 'Bow Chicka Bow Wow' while thunder stormed outside the window, 'Um... wasn't it sunny a second ago? Did I piss off RT again?!'

_Cut to Tucker and Church watching Tex fix the tank from the cliff's edge. Caboose is behind Tucker looking through the sniper rifle._

**Church:** How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?

**Tucker:** Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.

**Church:** _(sarcastic)_ Oh, that's just fantastic.

**Tucker:** Why would that upset you?

"Because he doesn't want her to leave, so he can prepose." Ruby said dreamily. Weiss had to face palm, which cause Ruby to fall off her chair,

"Ow."

**Church:** Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die.

"But isn't that a good thing? The Blues win, woo hoo. Go and fucking celebrate." Weiss said,

**Tucker:** The Reds dying is a good thing.

"Shut up before I do things I won't regret." Weiss said quickly before any of them could make their comments.

**Church:** No, Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.

"Oh right, Tex has that thing in her head. And he said it was aggressive so it might be affecting Tex in some way." Blake said, realising what damage it could cause if this A.I got loose.

**Caboose:** A.I. ...

**Church:** Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...

**Tucker:** If she leaves you won't ever find her again.

**Church:** Right.

"Aw..." Yang said, "It might be the last time Church might ever see Tex."

**Tucker:** So what're you gonna do?

**Church:** I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank.

**Tucker:** You're switching sides?

**Church:** Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice.

"Wah! Church is such a great lover, going so far to help Tex even though he knows it'll be a Pyrrhic Victory. I-I think I'm going to cry." Ruby sobbed,

"I think Ruby's obsession with Church/Tex is almost as creepy as Yang's obsession with Sheila." Weiss whispered to Blake,

"'Almost'?" Blake asked (AN: Joke by snake screamer).

**Caboose:** Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here... to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us..?

**Church:** I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys.

_Church fades away._

**Caboose:** Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?

"Well, sorta expected that." Yang said.

**Tucker:** I tell you what: kill me. I promise not to come back.

"But you will Tucker." Ruby said, with her team mates still questioning if Ruby was really in ultimate sugar rush mode, or that she has brain damage.

**Caboose:** Hey! LOOK AT THIS. _(focusing on Donut)_

**Tucker:** No.

**Caboose:** They have A GIRL. They have a girl!

They couldn't really blame Caboose. Everyone looked pretty much the same to them apart from the armour colour.

**Tucker:** A what?

**Caboose:** A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armour!

**Tucker:** Oh man, how come they get a girl?

**Tex:** _(from below them)_ Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?

**Tucker:** Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl.

**Tex **(& Blake)**:** And what the hell does that mean?

"Ha HA! Knew it!" Ruby cheered,

"Then that means Caboose is the Ruby in Red vs Blue." Weiss pointed out,

"SHUT UP, WEISS. LET ME ENJOY THE MOMENT!"

**Caboose and Tucker:** _(backing up from the edge of cliff, out of Tex's sight)_ Nothing!

**Tucker:** Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?

**Caboose:** I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.

"Oh god..." The RWBYs groaned, knowing what Caboose was going to do.

_Caboose steps back up to the edge, looking down at Tex_

**Caboose:** Hey...! Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?

Cue multi-face palm and attempted head-floor.

_Tex turns back to the tank then Caboose backs up to join Tucker_.

**Caboose:** I don't think she knows ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?

"I know!" Yang said, "Caboose is thinking about absolutely nothing!" The others just nodded and started to get ready, "Alright, this is the last episode."

"Yep. So, any of you have any thoughts about the series so far?" Ruby asked. Her team mates just looked at each other and said,

"Stupid."

"Idiotic."

"Fucked up in more ways than one."

"Okay then." Ruby muttered as she settled down, "Alright, it's time for a finale." Ruby said as she picked up the remote and pressed play for the final time... for Season 1.

**(****Last One Out, Hit the Lights)**

_Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing atop Red Base. Lopez is visible in the background._

**Simmons:** Hey.

**Grif:** Yeah?

**Simmons:** You ever wonder why we're here?

"Whoa." Yang said, "Is anyone else having Deja Vu?"

"This is a call back to the first episode, of course you're supposed to have deja vu." Blake explained, "How little they've come so far."

**Grif:** No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.

_Church possesses Lopez._

"Wait, is Church possessing a _robot_?" Ruby asked, "I thought it only worked for people."

"Pussy Cat?" Yang asked with an eyebrow raised,

"W-W-Well, ha-have y-y-you ever he-heard of a gh-ghost in a machine?" Blake stuttered,

"Yeah..."

"Sort of li-like that."

**Lopez:** Keegakergerk!

**Simmons:** What? What's wrong with Lopez?

_They turn to look at him._

**Grif:** I don't care.

**Simmons:** Hey, Lopez, uh.. you okay, man?

**Church as Lopez:** Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso...

**Caption:**__Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...

"Oh, so now they have captions!" Weiss said, "Now we don't need Blake to translate." Though, Blake didn't admit that she kinda liked translating, she felt like she was someone important. Like she ever did in the real world.

**Church:** ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!

**Caption:** What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!

**Simmons:** Um... Sure...

**Church:** ¡No, no, escucha mé! ¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!

**Caption:** No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!

"And that's what you get for building a Spanish Robot." Ruby said.

_Cut to Tucker overlooking Tex who is still working on the tank_.

**Tucker:** Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila ("YES!" "Um... Yang, that's a bad thing"). I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

**Caboose:** Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tuck-

"Caboose sounds like an over eager kid who wants to mow a football stadium." Weiss muttered, remembering every intern she's met.

**Tucker:** Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.

**Caboose:** Thanks, man. (_turns on radio_) Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.

"Huh?" Ruby said, "Did he just say O'Malley?"

"Maybe it's Caboose's last name?" Blake said, but she was unsure herself. Something was definitely up and the team knew it.

**Tucker:** O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.

**Caboose:** I never said that, you guys did!

**Tucker:** Why didn't you correct us?

**Caboose:** Because I didn't want to be difficult ("He didn't want to be difficult?" (Weiss) ). (_turns on radio... again_) Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. (_clears throat_) How is your progression?

"Um... why does Caboose sound professional? I don't think I ever heard Caboose talk like that." Yang noted,

"And wait, did he just say 'Private'? As in, the whole Blue Team are just Privates?" Weiss added. The RWBYs had one thought,

'The Reds & Blues are fucked.'

**Church:** (_over radio_) ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español!

**Caption:**Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!

**Caboose:** ... (turns to Tucker) ...He says he wants to talk to you.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:** Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

"YES! YES! I CAN DIE NOW!" Yang yelled out, until she saw Ruby's sad face, "Figuratively, Ruby! Figuratively!"

**Tucker:** Oh shit. We got trouble.

_Cut back to Church (as Lopez) talking to Grif and Simmons._

**Church:** Un tanque... grrrande!

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work the other way around." Blake said.

**Grif:** Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.

"He's a robot, he can't! And he isn't even Spanish!" Yang exclaimed.

**Sheila:** (_from a distance_) Target locked.

**Simmons:** What country? We're on an alien planet.

**Grif:** What're you, a communist?

"I don't think they exist on an alien planet." Ruby muttered.

_Sheila fires and hits the side of the Red Base_.

Ruby: AH! SON OF A BITCH!

Weiss: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!

Blake: OH MY GOD, ¡MADRE DE DIOS!

Yang: YES! DESTROY THEM! (Insert evil laugh here)

"IT'S STILL A BAD THING YANG!" Ruby yelled out.

**Grif:** Son of a bitch!

**Simmons:** Son of a bitch!

**Church:** ¡MADRE DE DIOS!

**Caption:** SON OF A BITCH!

_Cut to Tucker talking to Caboose as he looks through the sniper rifle. Sheila can be heard firing in the background_.

**Tucker:** Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.

**Caboose:** Church is getting mad at us.

"When is he isn't?" Weiss muttered.

**Tucker:** Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.

_Cut to Sarge getting in the Warthog and driving it_.

**Sarge:** Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog ("Don't. Say. It."). Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.

**Simmons:** Roger that.

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:** I'll uh... I'll stay here.

**Simmons:** Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's _vital_ to our success.

"I think Simmons is being a bit of a dick." Yang said, unintentionally making a pun. She got hit by an apple, "OH, COME ON!"

"Sorry, I had a feeling that was a pun." Ruby apologized.

_Sarge skids near the base, Simmons hops on, and they take off_.

**Simmons:** Alright, I'm on board.

**Sarge:** Alright, here's the plan-

_Sheila fires and hits the rear passenger tire, blowing up the jeep and launching Sarge and Simmons._

**Sarge:** JUNEBUG!

"Okay, now _he's_ making up animals." Blake said.

_Cut to Grif watching Sarge and Simmons come up the ramp._

**Grif:** Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?

**Simmons:** Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

**Sarge:** If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

"Best plan ever." Weiss said sarcastically,

"Of all time." The others added in.

**Grif:** (_kneeling down next to Simmons_) Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way... The ramp is secure.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:** Target locked. (_fires_)

_Cut to the Reds. Donut emerges from inside the base._

**Donut:** Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!

"Doesn't he notice the _tank firing at the base?!_" Weiss exclaimed while rubbing her head, 'And... There's the migraine.'

**Grif:** That chick in the black armour's back!

**Donut:** What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

"I think he might have anger issues." Yang said.

**Simmons:** That's the one.

**Donut:** The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armour?

"For the love of god, it's fucking pink!" Blake exclaimed, surprising the others.

**Grif:** Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude... It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.

**Donut:** Ohho..! Oh, I been waiting for this. (_runs up to the edge of the base and yells_) Hey, bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

"What is he going to do? Shoot the tank?" Weiss said sarcastically.

_Donut throws a grenade. Grif and Simmons are shown following its arc, then Church, then finally Tucker and Caboose_.

"Oh my god." Ruby said quietly as she was staring at the grenade,

"I think Donut will be filling in for Nora in Red vs Blue." Weiss muttered, remembering her love of grenades and pink. Also the fact that you should never piss off Nora.

Ever.

"And it's still going." Blake said, amazed at how far Donut can throw,

"I think that went across the entire canyon." Yang said, "I don't think I can even do that."

**Tucker:** Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

_The grenade lands right on Tex's chest inside the tank_.

**Tex:** Aw, CRAP!

Ruby was now conflicted. She still wanted Tex to die, but she _really_ wanted to win the bet, 'Plus, ghost can't get married.'

_Cut to Donut at the edge of the Red Base_.

**Donut:** _(yells, voice echoing)_ Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!

"Okay, I gotta admit that was fucking awesome." Blake, surprisingly, admitted.

_The grenade explodes._

The girls quickly braced themselves for the inevitable Ruby freak out, when they realised nothing happened. What they did see was a crying, but strangely cheering Ruby. She also had a Donut-Pink cloak on, "I don't know if I should be worried that Ruby is going back to her white cloak or happy that she isn't." Yang said. After Ruby calmed down, she said something that would be either life-changing or just plain wrong,

"I have to kiss Weiss." The other's eyes widened before Blake said,

"Let's just say the bet never existed until after this episode is over." The RWBYs quickly agreed and went back to watching. This was going to be an interesting story to tell her father,

'So lucky that he forgave Blake. The White Fang, not so much.'

**Church:** ¡Dios mío, no! (_runs out of the base toward Tex_) ¡Tejas, Tejas!

**Grif:** Uh, where's Lopez going?

**Sarge: **To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.

"I think Church just took Lopez." Weiss said,

"And now Church has a body now." Blake pointed out, 'He's going to kick Caboose's ass. If he can even hit him.'

**Simmons:** Shouldn't we help him?

**Sarge:** Naw... That would just ruin the moment.

_Cut to Church over Tex's body._

**Tex:** Church, is that you? It-It's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...

"Her A.I is gone. This could be bad." Blake muttered.

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose on the ledge_. _Tucker is watching the proceedings while Caboose is facing the cliff._

**Tucker:** Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base.

**Caboose:** I told you, my name isn't Caboose... ("What is he talking about?" (Ruby) ) _(turns around and speaks_ _in a deep voice_) My name... is..._O'Malley_...!

"Oh shit." Yang said quietly,

"Do you think?" Weiss asked,

"Yes." Blake nodded,

"O'Malley is Tex's A.I." Ruby realised, "Meaning that..."

"It can take over anyone in the canyon." Yang realised in horror. The RWBYs had only one thought now,

'The Reds & Blues are fucked.'

Save Game... Quit!

There you go! That's it for Season 1. Stay tu-oh fuck. Forgot to do something! Okay... moving around some stuff, checking audio is up to sync... here it is!

Loading Extras... Play Bonus Content-Red vs Blue Trailer, RWBY reaction!

The RWBYs were still processing Season 1 and everything that happened before Yang got up and picked up the DVD case to put the season back in. Then Yang noticed something, "What the hell is a 'Machinima'?" She asked, "Pussy Cat?"

"Um... actually, I don't know." The cat girl admitted,

"We can always check the internet." Weiss suggested, though she was actually buying time so she doesn't have to kiss Ruby,

"Okay! TO THE COMPUTER LAB!" The Red-Cloaked Leader yelled out as she flashed out of the room, leaving rose petals everywhere,

"Ugh, does Ruby know that someone has to clean all of these up, right?" Weiss asked the others,

"Why do you think the janitor quit?" Yang said as she went out the door. Blake & Weiss just sighed and followed the hyperactive sisters' trail of 'awesomeness' (that's what they call it).

(Computer Lab)

"Hurry up, Blake!"

"Ruby, the page still has to load. Be patient." Blake said. Though, it's already been 5 minutes, Wikipedia should've loaded by now. When it did, the Team gathered around the computer and read the description (AN: This is straight from Wikipedia)

'**Machinima** is the use of real-time computer graphics engines to create a cinematic production. Most often,video games are used to generate the computer animation. Machinima-based artists, sometimes called **machinimists** or **machinimators**, are often fan laborers, by virtue of their re-use of copyrighted materials (see below). Machinima offers to provide an archive of gaming performance and access to the look and feel of software and hardware that may already have become unavailable or even obsolete; for game studies, "machinima's gestures grant access to gaming's historical conditions of possibility and how machinima offers links to a comparative horizon that informs, changes, and fully participates in videogame culture.'

"Uh... what?" Yang asked confused. Blake just sighed,

"They use video games to make movies. And Red vs Blue is made from a game." She explained. She scrolled down the page and found the words 'Red vs Blue: Blood Gulch Chronicles' and 'Halo', "See, right there! It says here that Red vs Blue is mainly filmed in a game franchise called Halo."

"Well, let's see what it is." Ruby said as she clicked the link for Halo: Combat Evolved. She just stared at the amount of words and story in this, "Um... Blake, I think I can read this, but my brain might be a bit goopy after."

*Sigh* "We may as well see the RvB: BGC page." Weiss said as she went back and clicked the link, she scrolled down the page and read something, "It says here that they have a trailer that sort of explains the story of Halo."

"Well, we'll watch that! It's a lot quicker than reading." Yang said,

"You just don't want to do homework."

"You know me too well, Pussy Cat." Blake just rubbed her temples and clicked the video link. When the page loaded (which was on YouTube), she pressed play.

**(Red vs Blue: 1****st**** Trailer!)**

**Narrator: **In the year 2552,

**Caption: **In the year 2552,

"Wow, that far in the future? It's only 2013 now." Ruby said,

"It is a Sci-Fi, Ruby." Blake responded, 'But the Narrator sounds familiar.'

**Narrator: **in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,

**Caption: **in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,

"'Covenant'? Sounds... fitting." Weiss muttered.

**Narrator: **a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.

**Caption: **a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.

"Oh... that's who Master Chef is." Ruby said,

"It's Master _Chief._" Yang corrected, "And he's a cyborg. Cool."

**Narrator: **He led the Covenant to the edge of space,

**Caption: **He led the Covenant to the edge of space,

**Narrator: **to a ring world, called Halo.

**Caption: **to a ring world called Halo.

"Named after the game." Blake muttered, "But a ring-shaped plant doesn't seem possible."

"So does ripping out someone's skull and beat them to death with it." Yang said,

"Good point."

**Narrator: **It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.

**Caption: **It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.

**Narrator: **To destroy humanity and its home world... Earth.

**Caption: **To destroy humanity and its home world... Earth.

"'Earth'? As in rocks? Sounds du-uh... smart." Yang quickly said, 

"Um... but humanity started at Vytal." Ruby pointed out,

"Just go with it." Blake said, remembering all the Sci-Fi stories she read.

**Narrator: **Using the defences of Halo, he destroyed the ring world, and the Covenant armada along with it.

**Caption: **He destroyed the ring world, and the armada along with it.

"Okay, that's weird. The caption didn't follow what he said exactly." Ruby noticed. The others groaned, having a feeling that the caption has a mind of its own.

**Narrator: **The invasion was over. Unknown to the people of earth, the Covenant were planning to return.

**Caption: **But it's hard to keep a good alien down.

**Narrator: **But in the time between the first and second Covenant invasion, there was a brief, but violent period of civil war among the humans.

**Caption: **In the meantime, some guys got all pissed off.

"Okay, now it's not even attempting to follow what this guy says." Weiss muttered.

**Narrator: **Man fighting man... Red vs. Blue.

**Caption: **And totally started wailing on each other.

"Seriously, the whole capture the flag thing is a civil war? I'm actually surprised." Blake admitted.

**Narrator: **This is the story of th- 

**Caption: **What a bunch of dicks.

**Narrator: **What is that? What are you doing?

"Oh my god, that's Church." Ruby pointed out, "I know that angry voice anywhere."

"Well, this is definitely breaking the forth wall." Weiss said.

**Caption: **I'm paraphrasing. This intro is too long.

"It wasn't that long." Yang said, "Kinda boring though."

**Narrator: **Paraph- well don't paraphrase, don't- look, I will read what's in the script, and you type whatever I say. Okay? So just type whatever I say.

**Caption: **Just type whatever I say.

**Narrator: **No, don't type everything I say; just type wh- it's in the damn t- t- m-

**Caption: **No! Not eveyrthing... just guh, guh, der, duh, duh... 

"I can't believe he's fucking arguing with _words_, and _losing_." Blake muttered in disbelief, 'So much for learning about Halo.'

**Narrator: **...that's not funny.

**Caption: **You're such a cock bite.

Team RWBY had to snicker a bit.

**Narrator: **Alright, now that, okay that's gotta, that, take that off, because that is, fir- number one that's offensive, and secondly... I am not a cock bite. Seriously! I, I am not a cock bite, that is rude. ...just put up the fucking logo. Just put up the logo.

_Logo fades in_

**Narrator: **Assholes.

**Caption: **cock bite.

The girls groaned, "Well, that was informative." Yang said sarcastically,

"At least we know stuff at least." Weiss said.

**Grif: **Huh. What'd you think about that?

**Simmons: **Yeah, I think somebody owes me the last two minutes of my life back.

"I want more than time, I WANT MY MONEY BACK!" Rub yelled out. The other face palmed and groaned.

This was going to be a long summer.

Quitting... For real this time!


	13. Chapter 12: ON YOUR KNEES! Please

Hello, my friends. My name is the UknownHero and welcome to another chapter of RWBY! Now that the votes are in, this fic will now have Ruby/Wei-You know what, I'm not even going through the whole fucking joke. Yuri in this fic is now off-limits. No Pinkshipping, Bumblebee, hell, I even read on TV Tropes that there's a Maroonshipping in there somewhere. And (not that I'm a homophobe) it feels really wrong writing about girls making the fuck out. So, sorry if you wanted some girl-on-girl but no way in hell I'm doing that as well as many other people. If you want yuri, just go to the RWBY section. Or better yet, ANY OTHER ANIME.

Also, there is _a lot_ of potential for FanFiction jokes in this fic. It's just getting around to make them up is hard.

Now for suggestions and concerns! Mrperson01: Yeah, I'm really making my plot holes there, huh? For the Alto thing, I said I took Italian, not Spanish so I kinda put that in. And I said Blake didn't translate well, so it's more likely that she got confused for a bit. Also, Ruby deems killing of a human pointless, like their whole life was a waste, making it sadder. The Grimm doesn't really have a good reason to exist apart from destroying humanity, and Ruby knows that. There is a purpose in killing Grimm, to protect humanity. Now to christopherweeblingjr: With the last name thing. Kinda forgot about that. Well, that was short but I may as well name all the potential Ruby Phases! 

Action Ruby-Loves action and her weapons obsession increases to new guns rather than melee weapons

Bitch Ruby-Will complain a lot, be as mean as Weiss/Church and is _really_ fussy

Perverted Ruby-Will grope anyone in arms reach and make as many sexual innuendos as humanly possible. Might satisfy Yuri fans. (by Hakuyukou79)

Tomboy Ruby-Will act like a guy and swear a lot more. Also a bit more violent to insults and stuff that offends her. (by Hakuyukou79)

Fuck-The-Fourth-Wall Ruby-Basically what it says, even maybe crossing the line of Deadpool (if you don't know, _he was designed to break the fourth wall_) (by Seeker213)

Stoic Ruby-Keeps her emotions under constant control and will basically creep her team out (by Seeker213)

Pot-Head Ruby-Ruby on high. Enough said (by Seeker213)

Soul Eater's Black*Star Ruby-Arrogant, a bit stupid, a fucking showboat, will constant try and start fights. (by Seeker213)

Cuddling Ruby-Will constantly hug a member of Team RWBY and offers hugs (by neogoki)

Ruby Belladonna-shy but awesome at stealth, she'll won't be seen for the whole season, but will still make her comments. Will make a certain Fauna jealous (by neogoki)

Girl Ruby-She'll put away her scythe, starts wearing Weiss' clothes apart from the jacket and will act like if she has been going to a normal school her whole life. Creepy Potential: 9/10 (by neogoki)

Doctor Ruby-As in the Time Lord guy. Ruby will believe Blake is the human TARDIS, Yang is one of her companions and Weiss is a Master... yeah. Also she thinks she's the 11th Doctor. I admit that I have no clue how I'll do it because _I never watched the show!_ (by christopherweeblingjr)

Those are 12 Phases of Ruby and still expecting more! But only 10 must make it into the story. Vote now! The winner of what Phase Ruby will go through in each season will get absolutely nothing! Well, maybe (emphasis on the maybe) an advanced copy of the first chapter...

Also, I forgot to mention that song reactions are out because apart from Donut: the Musical, I can't think of good reactions. So I'll be doing the next best thing: I'll make JNPR sing them!

Load Game... Start!

Chapter 12: On Your Knees! Please.

After the "detailed" explanation of the Halo universe, Team RWBY decided to do something they already regretted. Something that would make them hate everything about Halo and all around it. They want to, but it was for the good of the story of Red vs Blue.

Homework.

"Stupid Blake," Yang muttered as she read the story of Halo 2 on the wiki. She was about 1/10th of the way done, '"Oh, we should all study on Halo so we can expect more from Red vs Blue" she said, "Help us understand the universe." Well, fuck you Pussy Cat! *Mental Sigh* Only she can make video games boring.' Yang thought angrily. She was getting bored so she turned on her phone and started looking up other stuff on the internet. When she didn't get a connection, she started using her Mobile Data to connect. It was a few hours before Yang realised something, "Wait, FUCK! I FORGOT THIS WAS A PHONE!" Yang yelled out,

"Yang, what is it?" Ruby asked, she was in the middle of reading about every weapon in Halo,

"Shut up Ruby! Must... call... for help." Ruby's eyes widened at what Yang just said,

"YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE?!"

"Ruby, what is it?" Weiss asked as she approached the two. She was watching some gameplay videos before she was interrupted,

"Yang can call someone to get us out of Beacon." Ruby quickly explained,

"WHAT?! HURRY UP YANG!" Weiss ordered the blonde,

"Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to find my contacts!" Yang responded, regretting downloading a lot of apps, 'HOW MANY FUCKING ANGRY BIRDS ARE THERE?!' By this time, Blake already heard what Yang said was eager to leave. She even thought homework was boring. It wasn't that exciting reading about cybernetically enhanced super soldiers. When Yang found her contacts list, she tapped on the first name she saw.

(Team JNPR)

You got blood on your face

Looks like you're a total disgrace

You came here to take me down

But I only see one of us on the ground

Like a dog with a bone

I wont stop 'till you buried and your tombstone

Reads "here lies a soul

Who should have fucked with someone that wasn't so cold!"

That was the ring tone of Nora Valkyrie's phone, which she happily answered, "Hi, this Nora Valkyrie from Team JNPR, wow that still sounds so awesome! What would you like to talk about? Maybe about my team, or maybe about my best friend but secret crush Lie Ren. Oops, did I just say that?! Please don't tell him! Anyway, why are you calling me in the middle of the night? Can't you sleep? Well, I'll help ya! I can sing really well, but I prefer to be a back up singer, because I don't want to steal the spotlight. I know songs like Baa Baa Black Sheep, that song about that cow that jumps over the moon, which of course is physically impossible to do. Though, I have seen people rip out Grimm's skull and beat them to death with it. I actually tried it! It's really hard but if you press your thumb in the jugular, pinky in the Adam's apple, I don't know why they call it that. Maybe it's because the guy who found it was name Adam, and was choking on his apple! Maybe that's the reason. Do you like apples? Because I do. They're really big and round. Or was that an orange? Orange like my hair! My hair is pretty. I use 'Gavin's Patented Headlight Fluid' to keep it clean. It's so good for your hair and brightens your car lights at the same time. Did you know about that? And did you know that there's something called 'Mavin's Patented Elbow Grease'? Really does wonders to your muscles. Maybe Yang should try it. With those noodle arms, you'd expect her be extremely weak and _really _dumb. You know what they say, 'All blondes are dumb!' At least that what my dad says..."

"NORA!"

"Huh? OH, Yang! How's life going for you?" There was some rustling before Nora heard Ruby,

"Hi Nora! Yang had to do something so I'm taking over for her." An 'I'M GOING TO KILL THAT BITCH!' and 'TEACH ME!' could be heard in the background, as well as a chain of curses by other people,

"Ruby! How life going? Do you want to see Magnhild again? I already sent photos to you so you can mastu-"

"Nora, please don't say anything about that." Ruby said in a quiet tone, "No one needs to know."

"Okay, I won't tell anyone that you masturbate to pictures of weapons." A big fat 'WHAT?!' could be heard in the background of both the phone and Nora's. It will be described soon,

"Wh-WHAT?! YOU THINK I, I SAID MASTER! _MASTER! _THEN I SAID HI TO NATE!" Ruby yelled out,

"Oh, I'm sorry Ruby. Anyway, why did Yang call me?"

"Oh shit! Right. Me, Weiss, Blake and Yang are tr-" Suddenly the connection was severed. Nora looked and saw that she was out of minutes,

"Aw man. I guess we have to walk now." Nora muttered as she walked to Pyrrha's car. Or what's left of it. You see, each team had it's own motto. Team RWBY has 'Never wait for your day to come, make it come.' Or Team CRDL with 'The brightest light comes from the strongest weapon.' That sort of thing. What was Team JNPR's motto?

Never let Nora Valkyrie drive. Ever. We're serious, never let her drive unless you want to die.

And guess who drove Pyrrha's car, the owner of the car being asleep, into a chestnut tree in the middle of the fucking desert.

*BOOM* *EXPLOSIONS* *FIRE*

You can probably tell.

Everyone was safe. Well apart from Jaune, who was having a nice wedgy on a high branch. Yes, he may be a better leader and even a better fighter, but he's still Jaune Arc. It doesn't help that his parents based his name off a girl. Ren & Pyrrha were trying to get Jaune down, with Pyrrha on Ren's shoulders. When they did, Jaune, who was listening to his Scroll, was asleep as they took 5 hours to get him down. Though, Jaune's song selection was unique. He used to have 5 songs, now he had hundreds. What made them special?

They were all Red vs Blue songs.

Trocadero, Jeff Williams, you name it, he it. He just saw the cover and downloaded the entire soundtrack from Season 1 to Season 10. He admitted that they were good, but from the Season 8 soundtrack and beyond that he would really liking it. He even laughed at some of them, though in no way in hell he would let the girls listen to 'Bow Chicka Wow Wow Wow' for obvious reasons. Anyway, when he woke up he saw Pyrrha's face,

"Angel." He said without thinking, causing the Amazon-like girl to blush, "Huh? Wha-What happened? Why aren't we in the car?" Jaune asked as his head cleared and stood up,

"Well, Little Miss Crashy decided to drive into a chestnut tree." Ren answered,

"Um... but I don't see it." Jaune pointed out,

"Because we've been walking all night." Pyrrha answered. Jaune noticed that they were in the middle of nowhere and the others had sat down to take a break, "I had to carry you for miles."

"Sorry." Jaune said while rubbing the back of his head. He also noticed that Nora was 'asleep'. Though, he knew that Nora was faking it. He did it all the time. Lying _was_ his greatest skill, "Anyway, we should get moving before the sun gets to its highest point." Jaune pointed towards the sun. It was about dawn now and things were starting to warm up a bit. Pyrrha and Ren nodded, with Ren putting Nora onto his back. No one apart from Jaune noticed Nora's smile.

(A few hours later)

"I'm starting to regret wearing my armour in the middle of the desert." Pyrrha muttered as she fanned her with her Shield. The sun was now at its highest and saying it was hot would be a horrible understatement. Nora eventually woke up (as in getting bored) and started talking to Ren, who was blocking her out thanks to year hanging out with the girl. It looked like they were going to die, as they haven't even seen a single sign of human life... apart from the human skeleton a few miles back. That really hurt their morale. They were about to give up as the heat really start to get to them, "I must hallucinating because I can see a truck with water in it."

"Pyrrha, I see it too." Ren said,

"A truck." Jaune said excitingly, "HEY! YOU! HELP! SOS! ALL THAT SHIT! HELP US!" Jaune yelled out as he started waving his arms like an idiot. Thankfully, it worked and the truck stopped,

"Yes! We're saved!" Nora cheered, "Thank you, mister..."

"Tex." A feminine voice answered from the shadows, before leaning out to reveal a woman with red hair and green eyes, "People call me Tex." She said as she stepped out, revealing that she was wearing a black T-Shirt and Jeans, "So, whadda all doing out here? It;s scorching hot."

"Our car crashed into a tree." Ren answered,

"Oh, you mean Crasher's Dream, right? So many horrible drivers seem to always crash into that specific tree from some reason and if they have passengers, one always gets a wedgy." Tex said, "Who got one?" Jaune slowly raised his hand up, "I'm actually not surprised."

"What does that supposed to mean?!" Jaune & Pyrrha exclaimed. Jaune looked at Pyrrha, who looked away,

"Just hop on, I'll give you a lift. But only if you do me a favour." Tex said,

"Fine." Pyrrha said automatically as she got on to the passenger's seat. Jaune, Ren and Nora got the back of the pick-up. But lucky for them, Tex let them drink some of the water. While Pyrrha was talking to Tex and Nora to Ren, Jaune fell asleep again, with his Scroll still playing songs.

(Hours Later...)

Jaune...

Jaune...!

"JAUNE!" Nora yelled into the Arc's ear, "Hurry up and get off. We have to do something for Tex."

"Oh right, the favour." Jaune muttered tiredly, having already gotten used to Nora's yelling, "What is it?" This caused Nora to grin brightly,

"We have to sing."

"HUH?!" Jaune exclaimed as he fell out of the truck, "WHY?!"

"We kinda owe her now, so now we have to write a song all about her and perform it in front of the whole town."

"WHAT?! Wait, what if we don't?"

"Well, she did steal all our weapons and we kinda need them back." Jaune quickly looked down and saw his sword and shield/sheath was gone,

"When did that happen?" Jaune asked in disbelief,

"We were riding all night and we fell asleep. She must've took them by then." Nora explained. Jaune just sighed,

"Where are the others?"

"In that barn over there." Nora answered as she pointed to the barn. Jaune nodded and they started walking towards the barn,

'We don't know how to write a song!' Jaune thought, 'Well, maybe we can use a song that already exists. Ugh, but there are no songs ab-' He cut off his train of thought as his Scroll started playing a song, 'I know the lyrics of this one. Actually, now that I think about it, I know all of them. And this is perfect.' Jaune said with a smirk on his face.

They'll definitely bring her to her knees with this.

(1 week of practice later)

"Alright, this is it." Jaune muttered as he looked up to the stage, 'Okay, Pyrrha's on first guitar, Ren's second, Nora's on drums and I'll be mainly singing and playing the bass.' Jaune thought as he faced his team, "You guys ready?"

"Yes." Pyrrha said, she missed the weight of her Spear/Sword/Rifle,

"Ready." Ren said as well,

"LET'S DO THIS!" Nora yelled out as she raised her arms,

"Alright, here we go!" Jaune said as they walked up on stage. They were met by a roar of cheers. Jaune walked up to the microphone and nervously said, "W-We are JNPR." This caused another roar of cheers, giving Jaune more confidence, "And get ready to get on your knees! Pyrrha!" Pyrrha nodded and started the song.

**Jaune**: Bitch in black hard as stone  
Need no friends work alone

3 on 1 but they shoulda sent 4  
Every time you stand up your back on the floor

A punch in the balls and a kick to the head  
Get it on boys or you're gonna get dead

Think ya got skills but you're sinking like a stone  
Next time fuckers you should just stay home!

You can screw Nevada  
Mess with Maine  
Leave Hawaii in a puddle of pain

You can beat Virginia till she's down on the floor  
**JNPR: **But if you fuck with Tex you'll be on your knees for sure

Motherfucker...

**Jaune: **"Advantage: Texas"-got that right  
Bet you boys sleep well tonight

Lick those wounds, nurse those sores  
Name reserved and that's who for

You got 9 lives, she's got 10  
After that she'll ride again

Bit of a badass anyone can tell  
That crazy bitch is hell's angel

Oklahoma beat down  
Pennsylvania dead and drown  
Minnesota castigate  
Massachusetts flagellate  
Bitch slap Tennessee  
D.C dead see?  
Utah is a fucking mess  
Oregon in great duress

Maryland is on her knees  
Louisiana? Bitch...please.  
Mississippi worst day ever  
North Dakota not much better  
Missouri in a stranglehold  
Montana's corpse is getting cold  
Bleeding time for old Kentucky  
Indiana not so lucky

Vermont could use a four leaf clover  
New Jersey it is almost over  
Pick up Delaware and slam her  
Call the meds for Alabama  
Michigan has been destroyed  
Ditto that for Illinois  
New Hampshire should have brought a friend  
West Virginia's at her end

**Pyrrha: **Colorado crash and burn  
Kansas point of no return  
**Ren: **Georgia's underneath a bus  
California's really fucked  
**Nora: **Idaho and South Dakota  
Give it up your time is over  
**Jaune: **Nebraska cancel all appointments  
Washington we've got your ointments

**Pyrrha: **Ohio don't stand a chance  
**Ren: **Wyoming needs a change of pants  
**Nora: **Rhode Island you cannot not surmount  
**Jaune: **Puerto Rico **Pyrrha & Nora: **-does that even count?  
**Pyrrha: **Pummel down on Carolina  
**Ren: **Connecticut you're SUCH a whiner  
**Nora: **Arkansas eat my dust  
**Jaune: **Alaska is a total bust

**Pyrrha: **You can screw Nevada...  
**Ren: **Mess with Maine...  
**Nora: **Leave Hawaii in a puddle of pain...

**Jaune: **You can beat Virginia till she's down on the floor  
**JNPR: **But if you fuck with Tex!  
If you fuck with Tex!  
If you fuck with Tex you'll be ON. YOUR. KNEES. FOR. SURE...!

**Nora: **MOTHERFUCKER!

The whole thing went quiet, "Uh... shouldn't they be cheering?" Jaune whispered to Pyrrha,

"I think we should leave." She suggested. The JNPRs slowly put down their instruments and slowly walked off stage. When they did, they met Tex their weapons, which they quickly took,

"I thought you might need these." Tex said,

"Uh... why?" Ren asked as he put his guns into his sleeves,

"Because you four just insulted every major family in town and they're going to kill you."

"Oh." Nora said, "Um... this is a good time to run, isn't it."

"Yes. They should be here in about..."

"THERE THEY ARE!"

"Now."

"Okay, FUDGE IT!" Jaune yelled as the team and Tex ran away from the _very _angry mob. When they got to her pick-up truck, Nora & Ren jumped in the back and Jaune & Pyrrha jumped into the front, with Pyrrha taking the driver's seat, "Get in, Tex!" Jaune yelled,

"Don't worry about me. Just go!" Tex yelled out as she pulled out a baseball bat out of nowhere,

"But you're going to die!" Pyrrha exclaimed. All Tex did was shut the car door,

"Like you said in the song, I'm bit of badass." Tex said cockily. Pyrrha just sighed and floored it. As soon as the town was out of view, the team relaxed,

"We just left her for dead, didn't we?" Ren stated,

"Don't make it worse, Ren." Pyrrha responded, "At she gave us her truck."

"Yeah." Jaune said sadly,

"Hey, where did you get that song anyway?" Nora asked,

"Oh, I downloaded the song from a website and into my Scroll. But the lyrics of some of the songs are weird." Jaune explained, "Hey, have you ever met someone named 'Caboose'? Better yet, what the heck is a 'Red vs Blue'." The truck suddenly swerved off the road for a second before going back on, "Okay, what the hell Pyrrha?!"

"N-Nothing." She lied, 'Shit. Jaune found the songs. It's only a matter of time before he finds the episodes.' Pyrrha thought worryingly. Yes, she has watched Red vs Blue. And now she has to stop Jaune and the others from finding the rest. She subtly used her Polarity ability to mess with Jaune's internet connection as well as the rest of the team's. It was for them. To protect them from finding the truth.

Though, she had a bad feeling that certain have already found it.

Save Game... Quit!

Well, that's interesting. Pyrrha knows about Red vs Blue before even the RWBYs did. Well, we just have to wait for what happens in the future.

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	14. Chapter 13: The Day We Fucked Up

Hey! Look! FUCKING LISTEN! My name is the UknownHero because I accidentally skipped an 'N' and decided to keep it. Also, I pronounce my name as _U-Known_ Hero, not UnknownHero. Just wanted to get that out there. Let's just get into the concerns. To Seeker 213: Did I really mess up my math? To everyone who thinks that Pyrrha voiced Carolina in Season 9 & 10: (_cue laugh for several minutes before going into a normal laughing before going into a nervous chuckle_)... I'm not answering to that. Anyway, onto NebulaXYZ: Under consideration, as well as any other joke submitted by the many other reviews. You know, actually kinda realise now why this is popular. It's funny, it has an interesting concept but (what I consider) the most important thing is that you guys, the readers, reviewers, everyone, actually help this fic get better with each chapter. So thank you for that. Also I forgot to mention but FUCK-FUCKING-YEAH! 200 REVIEWS! EVEN THOUGH I AM REALLY LATE! I think this is the most reviewed story out of the RWBY Crossover section of FanFiction, so correct me if I'm wrong. But anyway, thank you for all the support so far, and I'm only at Season 2! Something tells me I'm going to hit 1000 reviews or _more_ by the end of this. Well, that's it so let's start off the new Season with the lucky number 13! Get ready my friends because its Red vs Blue: Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 2!

Oh, and for those who want Seeker213's Phase List... just read and see. So may we,

Load Game... Start!

Chapter 13: The Day We Fucked Up **(Everything Old is New Again, Motion to Adjourn, Red vs Bleu)**

It's been a few hours since Team JNPR ran away from the town now. Now they were in a motel, resting after the ordeal. The whole place was quiet apart from the occasional snore; giving the still awake Pyrrha Nikos some time to think, 'Okay, so far only Jaune has only found the songs. I can't let them find the episodes.' Pyrrha thought as she laid her head on the pillow. She looked at her team worryingly; wondering what would happen if they would find out, 'But why do I have this feeling that someone already found them?' It was her last thought as she fell asleep. 

(Team RWBY-One Week Earlier)

While JNPR were getting robbed by Tex, the RWBYs were staring at Yang's phone, which had been cut off hours ago.

Yes, they stared at a phone for 7 hours. Well, 6 hours, 59 minutes, 25 seconds and 54 milliseconds to be exact.

But the first one to snap out of it was the lovely, talented, freakishly strong and totally rational Yang Xiao Long.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" The fiery, red-eyed, totally-not-rational blonde exclaimed as she ripped the phone out of Ruby's hands, smashed it to the ground and started stomping on it, each time yelling 'Dammit!', "DIE YOU ASS!" When the others eventually snapped out of it, they quickly pulled Yang away (who was in the process of setting the phone on fire), only to find that all that was left of the phone was a pile of electronic dust,

"Yang..." Blake growled. Ruby & Weiss knew this was going to be bad so the took a few steps back, "You do know that we could've CALL SOMEONE ELSE?!"

"I was out of minutes anyway." Yang replied grimly,

"Don't you have texting credit?" Ruby asked cautiously,

"Oh yeah... I forgot. I have Unlimited credit, thanks Ruby for reminding me." Then Yang felt cold. She turned and saw that Weiss (who _melted _the handcuffs) was towering over her with her pale blue eyes burning (_LITERALLY_) with pure hatred, "O-Okay, I-I-I ma-made a mistake, bu-but on the bright side we know that we have a signal." Yang said pathetically. Next thing she knew was that she was punched. Hard. She was actually punched into Ruby, who hit her head first when she hit the ground and knocked her out completely, complete with swirly eyes and drool, "OW! Weiss!" Yang groaned, *Sigh* "I guess I deserved it. Anywa-wait, what am I on? Oh my God, WHERE'S RUBY?!" All the conscious RWBYs had to do was look under Yang butt, which was currently in her sister's face.

(A week later...)

When she was young, Weiss always wanted to help people. Though, the only thing she could think of apart from becoming a Huntress is a doctor. She just didn't expect that dream would come to fruition when Ruby had been knocked unconscious for the past week. The team was really worried that she had caused Yang to put their leader into a coma. They couldn't bear to see Ruby on life support (which had been crudely put on, with Blake's help and medical books) so they had Weiss to take care of her, 'She _is_ my partner. And I did inadvertently knock her out, so it's the least I can do anyway.' Weiss thought as she walked towards the infirmary. Unlike Signal or other schools, Beacon's infirmary was more like a mini-hospital at least. Though, with people like Jaune it wasn't a surprise. They had everything, from prescription drugs to stuff labelled 'In case someone is MIA'. Weiss never even looked at that stuff. Anyway, she was on her way to check on Ruby who didn't show much improvement for the last 2 days. The only change was her brain activity according to the full body scan, which every Scroll had an app for (don't ask why, just go with it). It looked like her brain was a bit bruised but nothing remotely serious, and it looked like it didn't hit any vital parts either. But what worried Weiss and the others was this, what Phase is Ruby going to go in next? Yang & Blake didn't want a second Weiss, her & Blake didn't want a second Yang, and they definitely don't want, *Shiver* 'Perverted Ruby.'

(Flashback)

"Excuse me, Yang?" Weiss asked. It has been 3 days since she knocked Ruby into a coma,

"Yes?" Yang had lost all her energy after that. She believed that she put her dear sister in a coma and hasn't forgiven herself since, even though Weiss personally took the blame. Yang thought if she didn't destroy her phone, none of this would've happened. She didn't even bother to get out of her blankets or pyjamas. Weiss hoped she had PJs, "What do you want?" The blonde said tiredly, with Weiss wincing at the sound of her voice, 'It's like talking to Ren... a very depressed, blonde, admittingly attractive (AN: NO HOMO) Ren. But Ren never the less.'

"Are there any other phases we should be worried about?" Yang flipped her body towards the heiress and thought for a moment, before blushing madly, "What is it?"

"U-Um... well there's always," Yang mumbled the rest, making it undecipherable to Weiss,

"What Yang?"

"Perverted R-Ruby." Yang said quietly. This cause Weiss' eyes to widen, and her cheeks to go lightish-red,

"What do you mean by 'Perverted'?" Weiss asked cautiously. This cause Yang's blush to deepened 100% more,

"Well, last time she went into that phase, I got groped. A lot. And many others too." Yang said, "And she makes the best innuendos in that phase." Yang blushed even redder, remembering what Ruby kept telling her. And Qrow. Even a dog that one time. Especially awkward seeing your sister trying to grope and flirt with the teacher _in the middle of class_. _A student, FEMALE teacher_.

"Gro-Groping?" Weiss squeaked, "How bad?" This caused Weiss' worry from earlier to be answered, 'Oh my Boob Goddess...'

"I grew half a cup size thanks to her." Yang said showing the results, "And let me tell you; getting to a C cup in 2 weeks aren't the best thing to happen in your life. That's why I created boob guards just in case."

(Flashback ends!)

'It's okay Weiss, you can deal with a Perverted Ruby as long as she's in a broom closet, duct taped to a chair and as far away from the team as possible.' Weiss thought to herself as she saw the door to the infirmary. She took a deep breath before opening the door, "It's good to see you again Ruby." She said. She didn't know why she kept saying that since Ruby couldn't talk, but it helped her feel calm and know her team leader will always be there. And after this is over her leader will be the nice, happy girl she knew si-

"YOU'RE LATE!"

"Huh? Wha-?" Weiss quickly looked at the dark crimson haired girl in the hospital gown and red cloak (They tried to take it off... it didn't go well. On a side note: Is there such thing as Sleep-Murdering?) impatiently tapping her bare foot, "Ruby?"

"You were 20 seconds late for my daily check-up, and you _know_ what I feel about punctuality." Ruby said with a slight growl in her voice, 'Says the girl wh-OH MY GOD!' Weiss thought, covering her nose, 'When was the last time Ruby had a shower?! Better yet, why haven't I noticed until _now_?!' "Well? Explain yourself."

"First of all, HAVE A SHOWER FOR GOD FUCKING SAKE!" Weiss yelled out before calming down, "And had to ask your sister about something."

"Oh. _Her_." Ruby spat the word before saying, "Please escort me to the dorm so I can have a shower." Ruby ordered, before sniffing her armpit, "Now." Ruby said, now a bit green and even a bit woozy,

"Hey! I'm not your servant!" The Heiress exclaimed, "Quit being such a..." Suddenly, Weiss figured it out and finished the sentence in her mind, '...bitch. Oh fuck.'

(A few minutes later...)

"Weiss, we got here as fast as we could. Ruby's awake?!" Yang said as Blake got to the door. Eventually (as in this morning) Blake convinced Yang it wasn't her fault (as in 'blame everything on Nora'), she didn't screw them over (even though Yang did) and that they were all going to be fine... until Ruby goes into another Phase, "Weiss, is something wrong?"

"Yes." She answered before yelling out, "YOUR SISTER'S A TOTAL FUCKING BITCH!" Yang had to rub her head,

"Bitch Ruby?"

"Yep."

*Sigh* "God damn it. Where is she?"

"She's having a shower right now." Yang & Blake sighed in relief. Yang got to stop getting angry just to get rid of the smell and Blake was thankful. She could still smell Ruby's essence... that would haunt her for the rest of her life,

"You know Yang, if you knew this would happen eventually you should've made a list of all of Ruby's Phases." Blake suggested,

"Yeah that would be really..." Yang trailed off, like she was remembering something, "FUCK! I FORGOT ABOUT THE LIST!" Yang exclaimed as she dived into her luggage and eventually pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper, "Here it is. The order of all of Ruby's 10 Phases!" Weiss & Blake gathered around Yang and read what was on the list.

**1)Emotional Ruby: Really sensitive. Kinda makes her dumb. Must keep parents memories from her mind. Memories locked: None as of now.**

The words 'Memories Locked' was written in a different pen colour, like it was an after thought, "'Memories Locked'? What does it mean?" Blake asked,

"Oh shit, I forgot about that too." Yang muttered, causing the others to face palm, "It's basically what Ruby locks away in the deep part of her mind in order to fit the current phase. Say, if uh... it's Action Ruby, she'll only remember her fights and weapons she seen. Maybe some minor details like who her friends and family are but other than that she won't remember anything else, like how to cook... or how to not pee in public." Yang explained, remembering the time her baby adopted sister literally forgot how to use a toilet... and considering the fact she was in her Perverted Phase didn't make it any easier, 'I almost got molested in that stall way too many times.'

"Well, we can cross off Phase One as Ruby's already been through it." Blake stated. Yang nodded, grabbed a pen and crossed it off,

"Wait, what if there's one phase where all she remembers is death?" Weiss asked worryingly, she didn't want a permanent White Cloak Ruby around, and the fact that she knew it would slowly kill Ruby made it justified,

"Oh don't worry. Read the next few." Yang answered.

**2)Bitch Ruby: Approach with caution. Very mean. Bitchy, I may add. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, all other friends apart from her 'servants' (the first 3 people she sees... including me).**

"I wonder how that Phase developed." Blake muttered. Yang wanted to say Ruby developed that from watching too many tsunadere anime, but kept her mouth shut because she realised she _let_ Ruby watch those with her. Yang quickly crossed the phase out as they were at it now.

**3)Ninja Ruby: Extremely shy, or at least shy enough to hide her face. Can't find her at all. Really worried. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, fighting ability.**

"Hold on, she forgets how to _fight?_" Weiss asked in disbelief,

"Yep. She couldn't even pull the trigger on her rifle. All she knew how to defend herself was to hide." Yang explained. Blake looked down, remembering her time before everything. The White Fang, Beacon, everything. All she could do was hiding in plain sight and in the shadows. Blake sighed, shaking off the bad memories (and a small 'other' feeling) before reading the next Phase.

**4)Creepy Ruby: She just says nothing and emotionless. Not even a smirk. I'd say that she even matured a few years. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, anytime she felt an extremely positive emotion or extremely negative emotion.**

"Isn't that more of a Stoic Ruby?" Blake said,

"I did think of that, but the term 'Creepy Ruby' just fits. You'll see why sooner or later." Yang said, remembering things she really wanted to forget, 'No more. No more. OH GOD, THOSE FUCKING EYES!'

**5)Perverted Ruby: Experiences are too... descriptive to put into words. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, and about everything else except people. And Grimm. Even a dog that one time.**

'First priority after Stoic Ruby: LOCK RUBY IN BROOM CLOSET 1234567890-QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM!' Weiss thought, shivering at the thought of a Groping Ruby. Yang instinctively grabbed her ladies while Blake just blushed, 'I am not a Yuri fan. I am not a Yuri fan. I am not a Yuri fan. Well, maybe a bit of a Tenta-SHUT UP PERVY BLAKE! GET BACK IN THE CAGE!' Blake thought. Yang & Weiss didn't know why but they felt like they might need more than armour for that Phase. And Blake for some reason.

**6)Cuddle Ruby: Cute. Clingy but cute. Memories Locked: ?**

"Oh, that doesn't seem that bad." Weiss said, "At least we'll have a break from a crazy Ruby." Yang just looked at her weirdly,

"Do you wonder where that other half cup comes from?" Yang asked rhetorically. This shut the others up, though Weiss felt like she could use a few hugs, 'Maybe 2 weeks worth?'

**7)Girl Ruby: **(There's a long, drawn out line that looked like a younger Yang was thinking) **She's nice so far. Weird but ni-**(the writing is cut off, before switching to a more rushed type) **WRONG! I AM WRONG! Memories Locked: Every. Single. Memory (apart from certain people). A completely different Ruby Ro-I mean, T'Ambrose.**

"'Ruby T'Ambrose'?" Blake repeated, "What the fu-huh?" Blake was having trouble comprehending it, "Wha-? What kind of name is that?!"

"Oh, well... that's her 'normal' name." Yang said as she rubbed her neck, "This Ruby Phase makes her act if she never wanted to become a huntress and her head is replaced by new memories." Yang explained, "She thought I was a hooker once." She muttered sadly, 'It was like Ruby died and some fucking impostor took her place.' She thought as she choked down the feeling of her sister being a complete stranger to her. The other girls looked at the blonde's sad face so they decided to continue reading.

**8)Black*Star Ruby: She definitely watches too much Soul Eater. She could've been Maka Alburn, maybe even Patty. Hell, I would settle for **(The next word was clearly written with a shaky hand) _**Excalibur**_**. Memories locked: Parents' Death & possibly Beacon when she gets there.**

"Um... what's Soul Eater?" Weiss asked. The others looked at her with disbelief & confusion in their faces, "What?"

"Oh nothing Weiss." Blake simply said, "Only the fact that SOUL EATER IS LITERALLY BASED OFF BEACON!" (AN: I want to note that RWBY's version of Soul Eater is basically the same except it's set in Vytal rather than Earth and students fight both Kishin and Grimm, sometimes both)

"It is?"

"Yeah, everyone knows that. It's the first thing you learn as soon as you get to Beacon." Yang said, "Where have you been living in?"

"With my parents..." Weiss growled. The two girls quickly knew they just hit a touchy subject, so they quickly started reading the Ninth Phase.

**9)Action Ruby: I 3 this Phase. Memories Locked: WHO THE F-WORD CARES!**

The Fauna & the Heiress looked at the Fiery Goddess weirdly, "This was before I learnt about swear words, alright?" Yang said. The two quickly nodded, noticing Yang's golden hair flickering, "That's right... cockbites." That last part wasn't heard by anyone.

**10)Insane Ruby: Haven't thought of a better name. Apparently, she thinks we don't exist yet and the god of (and I quote) 'The Purity of Awesome' will create us after he stops his deceased fantasy, travels to the far lands of a badass, works in a chicken with fangs and create gems of greatness in a rose & a violet before giving us silver, cobalt, amber & lilac mini-movies. Locked Memories: I'm not even sure anymore.**

Weiss & Blake stared at the 10th Phase before Weiss said, "We are _definitely _fucked, aren't we?"

"Yep."

"Also, it looks like Ruby is mainly suppressing her memories of her parents. It could be a defence mechanism built into her brain." Blake theorised, "She desperately wants to forget but she can only lock it away at the back of her mind. She'll eventually remember anyway."

"Well, sometimes it's better to remember than to forget." Weiss muttered sagely, "If Ruby doesn't deal with it; well I don't think she would ever forgive herself." Yang realised Weiss was right. If Ruby ever forgot about them, they may as well don't exist. Yang sighed, remembering that she never actually saw her parents much (or at all) while Ruby known hers for about 6 years before they died. When Ruby stepped out of the bathroom with a new set of her classic Perky Goth clothing (though she isn't that perky anymore), Yang decided it was best for Ruby to remember that there was people with her until the end, and every great comforting moment always start with a 'Hello',

"Ruby, I'm glad to see yo-"

"Shut up and don't talk to me, _Yang_." Of course, this isn't a fucking movie so, as reality taught us, 'Fuck you. Life's a bitch and her name is Ruby.' (AN: By now, you should know that every time Ruby says anything related to Yang, she'll spit it out like chewing tobacco until the next Season)

'You gotta be fucking kidding me." Yang cried comically as Blake tried to comfort her partner, 'Was I that much of a bitch to Ruby?' Weiss thought, questioning if it was her old Princess Bitch mask or if it was her actual hatred of the cloaked girl. Sure, she did help out more often and Ruby wasn't showing off (_much_), but something in her gut said that she should've been the Leader... even though she sucked badly. Mission 365: was a great example, which was set over 2 days, 'Then again, I did-no wait, that was actually Yang's plan. We were in a castle after all. Though, I wonder why they call it The Castle That Was Never Worked.' Weiss thought. Though, after what the RWBYs did to it, it was renamed.

The Castle That Never Should've Hired RWBY To Renovate An Entire Castle While Protecting It From Grimm At The Same (Bleeping) Time For 7 Len A Week.

Or the TCTNSHRWBYTRAECWPIFGATS(B)TF7LAW.

If you can't count, that was a len a day, with a total amount of FUCKING NOTHING! 'We couldn't even keep the cheap bastard's money.'

"HELLO! VYTAL TO DUMBASS!"

"Huh?" Weiss got cut out of thoughts, realising something very important. Somehow, Ruby (or a.k.a Yang -or referred to by Ruby, 'The Bitch who put me in a Coma'- & Blake) set up the room back into it's make-shift home theatre, made popcorn and drinks (With Yang doing 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the work and all Black had to do was drain the orange colour out of Ruby's orange juice. Don't ask how she did it), fixed Ruby's hanging bed (now held up by a surprising amount of interlocking handcuffs and some leather whi-I mean leather ropes... what? THEY EXIST!) and Ruby with, "Is that my make-up?"

"You mean _my_ make-up, Miss Schnee?" Ruby said in a sickly sweet tone that made the whole room (even the half conscious Blake & her partner) shiver,

"Y-Yes, M-Miss Rose." Weiss said, fearing for her life. She knew that glare was close to the Death Glare of Cuteness (Trademarked) and she _did not_ want to see herself shit her pants over a lot of things, 'After this is over, I want Ruby to teach me to be more of a bitch. Oh ho ho, my dad is going to _love_ the new me.' Weiss thought evilly with storm clouds appearing behind her,

"Uh... Blake, you can see the storm right? Above Weiss' head?" Yang said as she got up,

"Yeah..."

"Blake... I think we officially snapped."

"You said it, sister." Suddenly, Yang felt really insulted. I mean, _really _insulted. Like she had a chunk of her hair pulled out. But somehow, she had the feeling the name fit, but for what reason as beyond her understanding, 'Maybe because I'm the smart, beautiful, talented sister of Ruby,'

"Get over here! That means you _Bitch!_"

'Fucking Ass of a Rose.' Said Bitch angrily said in her mind, 'I can't wait for this Phase to be over.' Yang thought as she sat down on her chair, only to be glared at by Ruby. She sighed as Yang got off her seat and went to sit down with Blake, who was at the back and Yang's chair being behind Weiss, 'Why does she hate me?'

"Alright. Now that I have your attention, I must say," Ruby started to talk about the most boring shit about the Halo franchise, most of the stuff the RWBYs already knew. And I know this part is really long so let just skip to actual Red vs Blue shit, "And then we have the Spartan Laser..." Wait! Hold on, let me. Okay. Got it. Skipping... "Then Master Chief punched the alien in the balls and tore its throat out with his teeth _without removing his helmet_..." Okay, (but if you don't mind, I'll be officially breaking the fourth wall here) _I_ didn't even expect for Ruby to go this long talking about the Halo franchise, especially since she only had 4 hours before she got knocked out. And I'm pretty sure she's just bullshitting right now. Okay, one last skip... "In conclusion, HALO IS AWESOME! Oh, and we should watch the second season of Red vs Blue." Ruby mumbled that last part. Everyone else was either asleep, prepared to commit possible suicide by boredom or kill Ruby.

Most likely kill Ruby. But that's for a later season.

"AGREE!"

"YES MA'AM!" The rest of the girls quickly said, kinda scared of this Ruby,

"I thought you've already been through this." Blake whispered to Yang,

"It doesn't make her any less scary." Yang whispered back, "I think even Uncle Qrow was scared of her. I think he still is if he was here." Blake shivered, 'Even the strongest man can fear the smallest girl.' Blake thought as Ruby put Season 2 in the DVD Player, 'Especially when her name is Ruby Rose.'

"Alright, time for the Second Part of Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles!"

'But then again, she's still Ruby.' Blake thought, 'No one can change that.'

**(Everything Old is New Again)**

_Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet._

**Male Voice:** Come in Blue Command, come in.

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch._

*Sigh* "Well, back to the shit hole known as Blood Gulch." Weiss muttered.

**Male Voice**: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?

"A medic? When did the Blues call a medic?" Blake said, "It might be a little late for that."

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down._

**Vic:** _(distorted)_ Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.

**DuFresne**: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

**Vic:** Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.

_Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne in purple armour_.

**DuFresne:** Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-

**Vic:** _(audio distortion ends, the song "Trocadero - No one" is heard in the background of the transmission exchange)_ Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?

"Great, the call centre has a shitty connection." Yang muttered, only to be shushed by Ruby, 'Okay, she let Blake & Weiss say something and now she tells me to shut up. What the fuck did I-well, it could be the time put Yang Sauce in her cookies a few weeks ago.' Yang thought. If you ever even see golden sauce on anything, run. Just run.

**DuFresne:** Uh, roger that Command.

**Vic:** Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?

**DuFresne:** Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?

**Vic:** Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?

"Okay, that's a bit suspicious." Blake noticed. The guy answered that a bit too quickly for her liking.

**DuFresne**: You're sure? The Blue Command Base?

**Vic:** Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.

**DuFresne:** Naw, I know, it's just...

**Vic:** It's just _what_, dude?

**DuFresne:** Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.

**Vic:** Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker... ask him about their wounded dude.

"'Wounded'? The only wounded people are Tex & Church, and they're dead." Ruby said, a bit glad they died. Well, Tex mostly, but Church still sucks at shooting.

**DuFresne:** Roger that. Any other orders?

**Vic:** Anything else... yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.

**DuFresne:** ...Great.

'Don't tell_ what_?' The RWBYs thought.

**Vic:** Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.

"I'm wondering who hired this guy." Yang said, "You'd think he'd be at least semi-professional."

**DuFresne:** Okay... Private Tucker...

_Cut to Blue Base._

**Tucker:** Hey, Church, we have a problem.

**Church:** _(in cobalt armour again)_ I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.

"Seriously, Church acts like Weiss really well." Ruby noted. The others had to face fault. So far, the team thought Ruby acted more like Church than Weiss.

**Tucker:** I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

"Oh right. Caboose is possessed by Tex's A.I. This might really screw them over in the long run." Blake said. The RWBYs really didn't want Red vs Blue to be real if an A.I like O'Malley running around, or the Reds and Blues.

**Caboose:** No, I didn't.

**Tucker:** Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

**Caboose:** You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

"I don't think there's any context in that phrase." Yang said, only to be hushed by Ruby again. By an apple.

**Tucker:** What? What context?

_DuFresne runs up behind Church._

**Church:** Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-

**DuFresne:** _(interrupting)_ Excuse me.

**Church:** Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, loo- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good.

"Yeah, dealing with a pervert and an idiot everyday is basically saying 'fuck you, life.'" Weiss muttered (AN: Okay, let me stop and say I'm really not on my A Game on reactions).

**DuFresne:** Excuse me.

**Church:** _(turns around)_ Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?

**Caboose:** _(to Tucker, in his "scary voice")_ Don't ever be alone.

The RWBYs had to shiver at Caboose's Scary Voice. Even though it was most likely O'Malley talking, it was still unnerving.

**Tucker:** He's doing that thing again...

**DuFresne:** My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?

**Church:** No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.

**Tucker:** Yo!

**Church:** And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.

**Caboose:** Why did you introduce me second?

**Tucker:** Because he hates you.

"With good reason to." Ruby muttered.

_Cut to DuFresne where two tombstones are seen in the background._

"Is that a Star of David?" Yang pointed out, "A-Are Church & Tex Jewish?"

"So what? Do you have anything against Jewish people?" Ruby asked with a glare,

"N-No, I was ju-"

"Just _what, _Miss Xiao Long?" Ruby growled. Yang just kept quiet, restraining herself from getting too angry, "Just as I thought." Blake & Weiss really felt sorry for the blonde.

**DuFresne:** I received your call for a medic.

**Caboose:** Medic? That was like three months ago.

"Of course they would take that long." Weiss said while rubbing her head.

**Tucker:** Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

**DuFresne:** I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?

**Church:** Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down.

_DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones_.

**DuFresne:** Oh. _(turns back to the Blues)_ I'm sorry about your loss.

**Church:** What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...

"I don't think it was that tough." Blake muttered. She was actually a bit sad that the first girl they've seen died just as quickly as she got there.

**Caboose:** We didn't like her very much. _(whispers loudly)_ She was mean to other people.

**DuFresne**: Who's in the other grave?

**Church:** That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.

**DuFresne:** ...uh huh. ...of course.

"Awkward..." Yang whispered to Blake.

**Caboose:** See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.

**Tucker:** Or by the idiot driving it.

**Caboose:** Oh yeah (*face palm*), and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.

**Tucker:** Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.

**Church:** _(click)_ No esta completamente apagado, pendejo.

**Caption:** Not entirely turned off, moron.

"That was kinda expected." W eiss said.

**Tucker**: _(sighs)_ I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.

**DuFresne:** Wait, so, no one here is hurt?

**Church:** _(click)_ No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.

"Best Super Power ever." Weiss muttered,

"Of all time." The others added in. It would be awesome now that they thought about it. They could finally shut Nora the fuck up.

**Caboose:** You said they were shorting out.

**Church:** _(click)_ I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

**DuFresne:** Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.

**Tucker:** Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?

**DuFresne:** _(holding up a medical scanner)_ No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.

"Okay, that looks like a Plasma Pistol. Not very good at killing, but great from shorting out equipment like vehicles and shielding." Blake said. The others looked at her weirdly, "It was on the wiki." She partially lied. She just realised that while she was reading the wiki that the White Fang was developing something similar to that. It even had the basic shape, but they kept it from her specifically. Did they know?

**Caboose:** _(to Tucker)_ I bet I have better vitals than you! _(to Church)_ ...What's a vital?

"Something expected from the idiot himself!" Yang said a bit too loudly for Ruby's liking,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN!" The others stared at the Bitchy Leader in amazement and some disgust. Ruby actually never talked to her sister like that, or at least in public. Yang just sniffed and sat back down. Ruby smirked and went back to watching, 'I actually liked Emotional Ruby better.' Yang thought sadly.

**Church:** On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?

**DuFresne:** No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.

**Church:** First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.

**DuFresne:** Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.

**Tucker:** A conshe- who?

**DuFresne **(& Blake)**:** I'm (/He's) a pacifist.

"Uh... what's a pacifist?" Ruby asked Weiss with a confused look on her face,

"Someone who doesn't involve one's self in violence or dislikes violence in general." She answered. She was a bit glad there was some Actual Ruby in there.

**Caboose:** You're a thing that babies suck on...?

**Tucker:** No, dude, that's a pedophile.

"Idiot." The team muttered as they groaned,

"Wait, what's a pedophile?" Ruby asked innocently, with her bitch personality seemingly melting away,

"U-Um... uh... we-well," Blake stuttered, "Let's j-just say they're v-v-very bad people."

"Even worse than Roman or the Demon Shadow?"

"N-No, just don't go with them."

"Huh." Ruby huffed, "I wonder if it has to do what mum told me about white vans when I was 4." She said out loud. Yang & the others realised that Ruby thought her parents were alive,

"Um... how _are _your parents, Ruby?" Weiss asked cautiously,

*Sigh* "They're fine." Ruby answered, a bit annoyed, "Apart from being away most of the time, they're fine." They noticed that Ruby said that sentence with a bitter undertone. This worried the rest of the RWBYs a bit more and now they had a bigger choice, 'Should we tell her?' They put it at the back of their minds for a later date.

**Church:** Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

**Tucker:** Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.

**Church:** That's real classy, Tucker.

**DuFresne:** _(finishing his scan)_ Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?

**Tucker:** Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.

'Please don't tell me that...' Blake's thoughts were answered in the next line.

**DuFresne:** I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.

"That explains the purple armour." Ruby said while Blake groaned,

"I can't believe the military is that cheap." Weiss muttered,

"Wait, Doc called Blue Command before this and he said that he's here for both the Reds & the Blues Armies. Doesn't that mean both the Reds and Blues are temporarily working together because of low resources or that the Reds and Blues are the same?" Yang pointed out. Ruby turned around and simply said,

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Shut the hell up, _Yang_." Before turning back to the movie. Yang's mood darkened even more while Weiss & Blake were thinking over about her statement. What was the point of the Red & Blue teams again?

**Church:** Man, that is so freakin' lame.

**DuFresne:** I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help.

**Church:** Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.

_DuFresne's medical scanner gets shot._

**Church:** Yeah, just like that.

_Another shot goes between DuFresne and Church._

**Church:** Scatter!

_Cut to Sarge and Donut in the middle of the canyon. Donut is using a sniper rifle_.

"HAH!" Ruby laughed, "The Rookie is a better shot than him!"

"Everyone is a better shot than him." Blake pointed out,

"For once, I agree." Which was true. Since Ruby was the Team Leader and most of her plans do work, she tends to ignore anyone's (mostly Blake's) and everyone's plans. They work... mostly, but it would've been better if she listened to Blake. Mission 101 was a prime example, 'She may be a prodigy but she's far from being the perfect leader.'

**Sarge:** Nice shot, cupcake.

**Donut:** Thanks, Sarge!

**Simmons:** _(firing his machine gun a few times)_ Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!

**Grif:** _(standing up in front of Simmons)_ Yeah, sneak attack!

"Never yell out 'Sneak Attack' when you're doing a sneak attack." Blake muttered, remembering their second, stealthier, attempt at a stealth mission. They actually lasted 3 minutes before guards came to kick their asses. It didn't help that it was Yang who blew it... again.

**Simmons:** Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.

**Sarge:** Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.

"Well, Blue Team's fucked." Yang muttered before going to the bathroom. A few minutes of peace and quiet (apart from the wails of a ghost, which caused a certain cat girl to disappear until it stopped) before Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Motion to Adjourn)**

_Firefight outside the Blue Base._

**Church:** Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defence, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

**Tucker:** I didn't even know what half of that meant.

"Of course he doesn't." Weiss muttered.

**Church:** Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

**Tucker:** That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

**Church:** We do not have time to discuss this.

**Tucker:** Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Apart of Ruby, really (and I mean _really_) deep inside, thought that would be an awesome sandwich.

"Tucker's right. He'll get shredded regardless of anything Church does." Blake said.

**Church:** Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

**Tucker:** Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

**Church:** No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

_Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues_.

**Grif:** Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.

"Who the fuck cares, just keep shooting!" Ruby yelled out, "It's just an Assault Rifle."

"Actually, Ruby's right." Yang spoke up. She was starting to stay a bit quieter during the episodes because of the phase, "It looks like standard issue weapons. Shouldn't they be trained in using them?"

"You know, you're right. Thank you _Yang_." Ruby spat out, "I still haven't forgiven you, _Bitch!_" Yang only groaned, 'WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!'

**Simmons:** Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

_Zoom back to Church._

**Church:** Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!

**DuFresne:** My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.

"Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think DuFresne is a good name." Blake said,

"Yeah, Doc sounds better." Weiss admitted.

**Church:** Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

**DuFresne:** I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

**Tucker:** What's the difference?

**DuFresne:** Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

"He's right, you know." Blake stated,

"Mental Note: Never get a medic." Yang muttered.

**Tucker:** Mental note: don't ever get shot.

"That works too."

"SHUT UP!"

*Sigh* 'I'm not getting a break, am I?'

**Church:** It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

**DuFresne:** Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

_Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing_.

"I think its going to stick." Ruby said.

**Tucker:** Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

**Church:** Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.

**Doc:** I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.

**Church:** Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".

**Doc:** Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

"This guy is a fucking wuss." Weiss muttered.

**Tucker:** Oh, come on.

**Doc:** Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

**Church:** Huh. I see.

"Oh come on, like he can even..."

_Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot._

**Caboose:** Ahow! My foot...

"...shoot him." Ruby finished her sentence,

"He can't shoot for shit at a Red but he's a perfect shot when it's his own team mates." Blake complained a bit,

"Well, Church does hate his team. Maybe more than the Reds." Yang said, 'This team is full of team-killing fucktards.'

**Church:** Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

**Doc:** You know, you could have just asked nicely.

_Zoom to the Reds._

**Simmons:** Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

**Grif:** Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.

**Simmons:** Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

**Grif:** Wait, since when?

**Simmons:** Since the last staff meeting.

**Grif:** We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

"Seriously, how did he get into the army?" Weiss groaned.

**Simmons:** Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

**Grif:** What's your job?

**Simmons:** Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

**Sarge:** Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

**Simmons:** Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

"How is he going to use it?" Ruby asked curiously. The others had to either resist face palming or telling Ruby what Simmons was suggesting.

_Zoom to Doc and Caboose._

**Doc:** I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?

**Caboose:** Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

**Doc:** The left foot?

**Caboose:** Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

**Doc:** I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

**Caboose:** Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.

"Oh, don't even start Caboose." Weiss muttered.

**Church:** Oh don't even start, Caboose! _(echoing)_

"Why do I even talk during these?" Weiss groaned as she rubbed her forehead, 'I think I need aspirin now.'

**Doc:** Anything else?

**Caboose:** Uh, well wha?

**Doc:** You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

**Caboose:** Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

Ruby started blushing madly, "A-Are you blushing?" Yang asked,

"N-No!" Ruby lied, "Sh-Shut up and sit down, _Bitch_!" Yang sighed, muttering 'why do I even bother', 'Don't think about it, Ruby. Your childhood has already been scarred enough.' She thought to herself, trying desperately wipe away the memories.

**Doc:** ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

**Caboose:** Okay.

_Zoom to Tucker and Church._

**Tucker:** Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

**Church:** I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

**Sarge:** Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

**Church:** Surrender?

"Aren't the Reds the one out of ammo?" Yang pointed out,

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Ruby said sarcastically, "It's obvious they're calling a bluff."

"A very bad one." Blake added in. Yang sighed, 'Everytime...' she thought. After a few minutes, Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Red vs Bleu)**

_The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Sarge is addressing Church._

**Sarge:** We are giving you a chance to surrender!

**Grif:** There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

**Sarge:** Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

_Cut to the Blues_. 

**Church:** Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... _(yells back)_ What're your terms?!

**Tucker:** Their what?

"Wait, why would Church do that?" Weiss asked, "The Blues have the advantage."

"It's obvious that after dealing with Doc, he's planning to force the Reds into a humiliating position of some sort. An interesting surrendering strategy to turn the tables in the Blue's advantage." Yang explained. This earned weird looks from her team mates, "What? Isn't it obvious?"

"Shut the fuck up _Yang_." Ruby responded before turning back to the TV. Yang was about to say something else but decided not to voice it. Weiss & Blake were wondering when this phase will end. (AN: Joke by Iron-Mantis)

_Cut to the Reds._

**Grif:** Our what?

**Simmons:** I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

**Grif:** Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

"It's a Puma..." Ruby growled quietly, 'Just when I thought it was over.' Weiss thought.

**Donut:** Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

**Grif:** Yeah, and some cake!

"I don't think they serve cake in the military." Blake said. And now that Ruby thought about it, she kinda wanted cake now, 'With whipped cream, chocolate chips, gummi bears...' At this point, Ruby was in her Sugar Wonderland while in the real world she was drooling like a waterfall with a blank gaze in her eyes. The other looked at their leader weirdly before shrugging and going back to the movie.

**Donut:** Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

**Sarge:** Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

**Simmons:** Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armour showed up.

"Who's dead." Weiss added in.

**Sarge:** ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

**Church:** Uh oh.

**Sarge:** You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

_Cut to the Blues._

**Tucker:** Well, Church, what's it gonna be?

**Church:** Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

**Sarge:** And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

**Church:** Uh... Uh, he's not here any more!

**Tucker:** Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

"Um... that's Japanese." Blake pointed out,

"You can speak Japanese?" Ruby asked,

"Watashi wa nihonjin, bitchi o hanasu koto ga dekiru! Watashi wa watashi ga hoshī to anata ga rikai shi tenaideshou nani mo iu koto ga dekimasu. Rokudenashi no kami... Mata, anata wa subete no watashi no kea no tame no watashi no kusoon'na ni kisu o suru koto ga dekimasu rīdā to shite suu. Watashi wa, anata o nikumu, Ruby Rose." Blake said with a smug look on her face,

"Okay, okay, you can speak Japanese. You don't have to rub it in." Ruby muttered, not knowing what it translated to (AN: Translations at the bottom).

**Church:** That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

**Doc:** A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

"That's the point. The Blues are basically trading nothing for something good." Weiss said. Maybe it was good to be compared to Church, 'He's still an asshole though.'

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:** Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

**Grif:** I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

**Simmons:** We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

**Grif:** Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

"It is better to have a medic than bullets." Blake said.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Church:** Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

**Doc:** Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

**Tucker:** He's talking about Caboose, right?

**Church:** No, I mean his toe. How's the toe I shot?

**Doc:** What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.

**Caboose:** (_sad_) Rest in peace, pinkie toe... _(in O'Malley voice)_ You shall be avenged!

Weiss, Yang & Blake shivered. It sounded demonic. It sounded like a thousand souls screaming in agony. It sounded like Professor Oobleck on steroids, writing on the chalkboard with only his fingernails.

It sounded like Ruby.

**Doc:** _(sighs)_ Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

**Church:** Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!

**Simmons:** You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

**Tucker:** We've already got that! What else do you have?!

The girls couldn't help but snicker a bit.

**Sarge:** What do you want?!

**Church:** How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!

"SERIOUSLY?!" Weiss exclaimed, "Out of all the things they could've gotten: Bullets, weapons, fucking plans! Church asks for them to say the REDS SUCK?!"

"Well, what can they offer." Yang asked.

_The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment_.

**Sarge:** What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

**Grif:** NICE. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

"I'm guessing that." Blake deadpanned. She knew what was going to happen.

_Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the Blues_.

**Church:** Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!

**Sarge:** Get on with it, Grif.

**Grif:** (_grunting sigh_) I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck!

"Of course." Weiss muttered. Ruby held back a snicker.

**Church:** And?!

**Grif:** And that I'm a girl!

The girls were starting to show hints of laughter at Grif's humiliation.

**Church:** What else!?

**Grif:** And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

By this point the girls fell off their chairs, pointing and laughing at Grif, not noticing Ruby was punching Yang in the face while laughing, and the blonde didn't feel a thing. After ROFL-ing for about an hour, they continued watching.

**Sarge:** This may be the best surrender of all time.

**Simmons:** Okay, is that good enough?!

**Church:** Yeah! _(turns to Doc)_ Alright, go ahead Doc.

_Doc runs over to the Reds_.

**Grif:** Man, I really hope you're worth this.

"Oh, definitely worth it." Ruby said, still laughing a bit and rubbing her sore knuckles, 'Any moment now...'

**Doc:** Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

**Grif:** Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

"No wonder." Blake said, finding something that contributed to the insanity in Blood Gulch.

**Doc:** No water... Then what do you drink?

**Grif:** Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

**Sarge:** I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (_singing_) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.

"That's actually a catchy song. I wonder is-AH! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FA-I'm going to sleep now." Yang said as she fell into unconsciousness. Ruby did a quick yes, which didn't go unnoticed by Weiss & Blake,

"You did that to Yang!?" Weiss exclaimed as she pointed at the blonde, totally ignoring that face that she could have internal bleeding right now,

"Yes! And nothing will stop me from doing it again!" Ruby yelled out,

"Ruby." Blake asked calmly, "Can I teach you a bit of Japanese?"

"Uh... sure." Ruby said. Blake leaned in and whispered her the words, "Okay. Here I go. Watashi wa nihonjin, masutā o hanasu koto ga dekiru. Watashi wa anata ni watashi ga dekiru nin'i no hōhō o yorokobi ninara nani demo shimasuto tsuneni kenkyona dorei ni narimasu. To watashi wa meinudesunode, watashi wa watashi ga jigoku ni dai ni iku to akuma ni ai o shinakereba naranai itte iru ka kentōgatsukanai. Mata, watashi wa koinu o nikumushi, sorera subete o reipushitai. Did I get that right?"

"Sure." Blake said with a straight face, "Weiss, will you come with me?"

"Uh... sure." Weiss responded as she followed the amber-eyed cat girl. Seconds later, uncontrollable laughter can be heard all around Beacon if anyone else was actually here,

"Hm." Ruby sighed, "I guess they're laughing at Yang,"

Save Game... Quit!

Well that's it! Sorry for the wait but procrastination and education strikes again! Anyway, time to tell the translations.

Blake: I can speak Japanese, Bitch! I can say anything I want and you won't understand. God of Assholes... also, you suck as a leader you can kiss my fucking cunt for all I care. I hate you, Ruby Rose.

Ruby: I can speak Japanese, master. I will do anything to pleasure you any way I can and will always be your humble slave. And I have no idea what I'm saying because I am a bitch I should go die in hell and make love to demons. Also I hate puppies and want to rape them all.

I hope that makes up for going quiet!

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	15. Chapter 14: That's Going to Leave a Dent

Hey! UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of RWBY! Nothing big happening apart from my final exams coming up in a couple of weeks so lets get straight into the concerns/suggestions! To Question: The JNPRs will not react to any RvB episodes due to the fact I am somewhat lazy and that writing about 8 characters seems like a drag, but if that ever happens: Jaune will be the normal guy, laughing at what's funny, sad at sad points, stuff like that. Pyrrha is unknown at this point. Ren will be the Stoic and Nora will never shut up. But hey, you can make your own fic on it. To Jin Shirinue: RWBYs will react accordingly to what's implied. Sad when it's sad, funny when it's funny. This goes to D.K.N too. To Another One: Maybe, just maybe. But not anytime soon. And for those who want the Bitch Ruby Phase to be done with: YES! I did my job right! I wanted people to hate Ruby as fast as possible. To Atrum Fox: Eh... no. Yang will not be a horn-dog. I want to keep it somewhat close to the canon and Yang doesn't show any signs of that. Also for those who want me to write down Ruby beating the shit out of one (or all) of the members of RWBY...

Load Game! START THE FUCKING THING! (AN: By the way, I'm not smoking crack)

Chapter 14: That's Going to Leave a Dent **(Joy of Toggling, Sweet Ride, Last Words)**

With Yang in a mini-coma until the next day, Blake being preoccupied because she has to take care of her and Ruby being... less than Ruby, Weiss gave up in watching more episodes and decided she should leave it for tomorrow. Already pretty drained, she decided to sleep even though it was still in the middle of the day. She was going to have a nap so she didn't bother in changing into her Pyjamas. She climbed onto her bed and fell asleep. She was having a weird dream. Of things that didn't make sense. She saw her self running from something. She didn't know what but she knew that she didn't want to find out. She felt the darkness closing in on her as she ran. Suddenly, she felt an extreme amount of pain in her head, causing her to collapse. When she looked up, she saw that Yang was there as well, holding onto her head like she was,

"Yang, what are doing here?" She asked the blonde. Yang looked up and Weiss only saw ink black eyes. She quickly crawled away from her, only to bump into two figures. She turned around and saw Ruby & Blake staring at her with the same eyes as Yang, "Ruby, Blake! What the Fuck is happening!?" She yelled to her team members. She started to feel dizzy as the other girls started closing in on her. Was she going insane? Did something happen to her to cause this? Weiss fell to her knees as she clutched her head, trying to forget. She realised she was crying now, "Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!" She sobbed. What was happening to her? She didn't know. All she felt was that she was weak. Useless. Dead-Weight. Everything she felt every time she looked into her father's eyes. Was she dying? She felt as though she deserved to die. Or even exist. Everything was starting to collapse around her. Maybe this was her fate, she die alone forever. Suddenly, she felt the darkness go through her, causing, no, forcing her to stand up. She just wanted the pain to go away, "Please, stop..." She whispered quietly as she forced herself to look up. Ruby, Blake & Yang were still there, "GO AWAY!" She yelled at them. Ruby's emotionless answer?

"Start the chorus." Cue Ruby, Blake & Yang doing the Can-Can complete with music. Weiss couldn't help but give an eye twitch at the scene that was happening in front of her, "Come on! Join us Weiss!" Ruby said gleefully,

"This definitely a dream..." Weiss muttered as she walked away from her dancing team mates, who now moved on to the Truffle Shuffle, "Wait, this is _my_ dream!" Weiss realised this was a lucid dream now and she could do whatever the fuck she wanted. She turned around and glared at the Amazing Dancing RWBYs (minus the W), "STOP DANCING!" This caused them to stop, along with the music. Weiss then crossed her arms and thought for a second, "Ruby, um... stay where you are. Blake & Yang, do the honours."

"Got it!" (Ruby)

"Yes Master!" (Blake)

"Okie Dokie!" (Yang)

And for the rest of the dream, Dream!Blake and Dream!Yang proceeded to beat the shit out of Dream!Ruby while Weiss was laughing her ass off. She actually always wanted to do that, especially when she was introduced to Bitch Ruby. She even joined in. Even though it was a hollow victory, it didn't mean it was bad. In the real world, Weiss sighed happily, as though she was having the greatest dream ever. Of all time.

Even though it was to the point where she was pissing herself due to all the mental laughter.

(NEXT DAY!)

Weiss woke groggily from her perfect dream to a strange noise she couldn't describe in words.

Apart from the sounds of a skull, pieces of wood or pain. Lots and lots of pain.

*WHACK!*

"OW!"

*WHACK!*

"THAT'S MY SPLEEN!"

*WHACK!*

"THERE GOES THE UTERUS!"

*WHACK!*

"I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN!"

*WHACK!*

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

*WHACK!*

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUBY I-"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK OF AWESOMENESS! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WH4CK! WHACK! WHACK! SUPERIOR WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK VS WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! SUPER WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! ASSASSIN'S WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! ROSE PETAL WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! FOUR-WAY WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! BOW CHICKA WHACK WHACK WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! THAT PADDLING FROM THAT ONE EPISODE IN FAMILY GUY WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! DOUBLE WHACK JUST TO MAKE SURE! WHACK! YOU CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH WHACKS! WHACK!*

"My va-"

*WHACK-TROCITY! HIGH SCORE: 69 WHACK COMBO ACHIEVED!*

Weiss, again and more cautiously, woke up _very slowly_ and looked to see Blake on the floor while Ruby was 'testing' her baseball bat on Blake because she saw a 'spider' the shape of her bow/cat ears. While every was doing their thing (either being unconscious or reading), Ruby Google Translated what Blake made her say, as well as what Blake said. By now, Yang woke up and just stared at the scene taking place. The only sane/not-murder-crazy/horribly injured members of Team RWBY were about to step in when Ruby's bat broke over Blake's skull. Ruby just huffed in annoyance and started walking towards the door,

"Um... where _did _you get the baseball bat?" Weiss asked fearfully,

"The same place where I got the _GOLF CLUBS_!" Ruby answered angrily as she grabbed a duffel bag full of them. Shiny and ready to go,

"Help. Me." Blake begged quietly. She turned and saw that Weiss & Yang were gone, 'You fucking cockbites.' Blake thought angrily as she stared at the Doom wielding a golf club, "Ha-Have mer-mer-mer-mer-" She couldn't get the words out of her mouth. (Un)Fortunately, Ruby helped her with that problem.

"FORE!"

*WHACK!*

(One Total Fucking Beat Down and lots of bandages, painkillers and blood transfusions later...)

"Thanks a lot, _Blake_! YOU RUINED MY GOLF CLUB COLLECTION!" Ruby yelled at the cat girl, while throwing away a heavily dented golf club, all in the shape of Blake's head, and even a little bloody here and there,

"...Yeah, you're right. It's _my _fault that _my_ head big head got in the way of _your _practice swings." Blake said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, which could've been clearly heard if she wasn't in a full body cast and the painkillers were going to kick in at any moment. All you could see was Blake's yellow eyes, some of her hair, her bow on top of the casting and some signatures by her team mates. One of them (across Blake's forehead) reading:

Don't mess with me, BITCH! Get well soon so I can fuck you up again!

-Love, Ruby Rose.

The 'I's have been dotted with hearts and the 'O's as smiley faces, if you were wondering.

"What did she say?" Yang quietly asked Weiss,

"Something about the fear of golf, I think?" Weiss answered before clearing her throat (AN: Joke by christopherweeblingjr), "U-Um, due to the unfortunate 'accident' that has befallen Blake Belladonna, in order for the recovery process to seem faster than it actually is, let's watch some Red vs Blue." A quick glare from Ruby, Yang sighed and started setting up everything while Weiss was using her Glyphs to make ice packs. It pays to be prepared, right? After putting Blake on a wheelchair and everyone sitting in their chairs, Blake (using her head, helped by Yang. Ruby made her do it) pressed play (after hitting every other button).

**(Joy of Toggling)**

_Camera pans down to Doc and Grif talking outside Red Base_.

**Doc:** So he was shot in the head...

"They're probably are talking about Sarge." Blake said,

"Seriously, what the fuck is she saying?"

"Shut up, Yang." Weiss whispered back.

**Grif:** Right.

**Doc:** ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

**Grif:** Exactly.

**Doc:** Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

"WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out, before settling down,

"Want to test that theory?" Ruby asked while holding up one of the dented golf clubs,

"NO!" the rest of them yelled out automatically, with Blake crying.

**Grif:** That's what I said.

**Doc:** Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

"That's because he's dumb enough to think that's it'll heal him." Weiss muttered.

**Grif:** Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.

**Sarge:** Grif! Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

**Grif:** Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

"Oh... looks like Grif made a friend." Yang said, only to be glared at by Ruby.

**Simmons:** Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

**Grif:** Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.

"BURNED!" (Yang)

*Smash* (Rock to blonde skull)

**Donut:** Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

"That's what I said..." Yang muttered as she rubbed her forehead, 'Where the fuck did she get that rock?'

**Simmons:** Oh shut up, your armour's pink.

**Doc:** Uh, hey, guys? I-I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it. (_to Grif_) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

**Grif:** ...

"I think he doesn't." Blake muttered, making it even harder to understand her.

**Doc:** It's only because no one likes you.

**Grif:** ...

**Doc:** Stop staring at me.

_Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then ends on Church and Tucker behind Blue Base._

**Tucker:** Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

**Church:** Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. _(clears throat)_ Alright. Stand back. _(Tucker takes a step back)_Huhrur...! Heeungh...! Hoom...!

"It sounds like he's having an orgasm." Ruby said,

"Or at least trying." Weiss muttered.

**Tucker:** Anything?

**Church:** Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.

**Tucker:** Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...

**Church:** See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Huroor...! Oh! Hey!

**Tucker:** Found it?

**Church:** Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

**Tucker: **What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing. (_as Tucker talks, Caboose passes through the entrance of the base_)

"It's probably in Celsius." Weiss said. Blake narrowed her eyes as looked where Caboose was. He looked awfully in a hurry.

**Church:** Celsius, Tucker.

**Tucker:** Oh come on, dude, Celsius sucks. (_kneels down and looks at Church_) Hey, I found something.

**Church:** Oh yeah? You found a button?

**Tucker:** Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

"I was kinda expecting a switch to be... bigger." Yang said as she squinted,

"It's not the size that counts. It what it does." Weiss said. Suddenly, the RWBYs shivered as they heard someone say 'Bow Chicka Bow Wow'. Blake was trying to get out of her wheelchair, only to fall flat on her face,

"Ow." Yang sighed as she put her mummified partner back in her place.

**Church:** Well, give it a flip.

**Tucker:** I don't wanna flip it.

**Church:** What's the problem?

**Tucker:** It's in a weird place.

**Church:** Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

**Tucker:** You flip it.

**Church:** These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.

By now, Weiss, Yang & Blake were blushing at the amount of innuendo in Church and Tucker's words, while Ruby didn't understand. But Blake was blushing a little bit more.

**Tucker:** What about Caboose?

**Church:** Oh man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

**Tucker:** Oh man...

**Church:** C'm-Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.

**Tucker:** (_kneels down and tries to flip the switch_) It won't move, it's stuck.

**Church:** Did you try wiggling it?

'Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm.' Blake thought, really trying not to get aroused. She was losing, 'Shit, the painkillers! Oh god...'

**Tucker:** No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

**Church:** Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

_Tucker kneels back down._

**Church:** ... So, you from around here, baby?

The RWBYs noticed that Blake was rocking in her wheelchair and screaming, like she was trying to get out of the cast, "Blake, why are doing that? Do you want me to get the bowling balls?" Ruby threatened,

"Mph mph-er mph-er-bath!" Blake screamed out through her cast (Translation: I need to masturbate.),

"Uh... what?" Weiss said,

"Mph-er-bath! Mph mph-ie mph mhpe mph-er-bath! Mph-ly!" (Translation: Masturbate! I really need to masturbate! Badly!)

"I think we should ignore her for now." Yang suggested, not knowing that Blake will be in that cast for the entire season. Luckily, Faunas were fast healers,

"Took the words out of my mouth." Ruby said, before punching her, "NEVER DO THAT!"

**Tucker:** Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.

**Church:** Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

**Tucker:** I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

'Please, for the love of god let me out before the end of the week." Blake thought desperately.

**Church:** You obviously did not know Tex that well.

_Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch and a beeping noise_ starts.

'That doesn't sound good.' Weiss thought, 'Please don't tell me the Reds did something really stu-actually, I'm curious what stupid thing they did.'

**Tucker:** There! Anything?

**Church:** Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

_Cut to the Reds_.

**Sarge:** Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

"Mphh maph mayph!" (Translation: PLEASE SAY RAPE!)

"Just ignore her..."

_The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume._

**Simmons:** Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

**Donut:** How 'bout we, um, let him trade armour with uh, one of us? That would show him.

_The Warthog's headlights flash in time with the beeping_

**Warthog:** (_voice is warbled and slurred_) Warthog online. (_the headlights flash once and remain on, and the voice is now up to speed_) Homing beacon activated.

"Of course..." Weiss muttered as RWY (Blake being temporarily not existing) face palmed, 'This fucking cast is really getting hot.' Blake thought furiously as she tried to break free.

**Donut:** Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?

**Sarge:** Uh oh.

"And of course, the wonderful leader Sarge knows what's happening." Ruby muttered. After she (as in Yang) got her orange juice (without the orange colour in it), Weiss pressed play for the next episode.

**(Sweet Ride)**

_The Warthog faces the Reds and Doc_.

**Simmons:** Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.

The RWYs (AN: It's just not the same) face palmed again, 'Of course Sarge would do that.' Weiss thought.

**Sarge:** Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless... _(turns to Donut)_ Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin' with my robot?

**Donut:** What're you asking me for?

"H-hey." Yang spoke up, "Do you think Donut is... gay?" They stopped for a second before laughing, even Blake joined in even though she _really _needed to relieve herself,

"W-With that grenade throw? I think he's the only good soldier in the entire canyon!" Weiss said between laughs,

"Fo-Forget I s-said anything!" Yang said before getting a hay-maker to the gut,

"What? She said to forget about it." Ruby said, not feeling sorry for what she did, "Punching certain people helps me forget. Now, what were we talking about?" Weiss, Blake & Yang just looked at each other before going back to watching.

**Grif:** So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it? 

"**ANSWER ME!**"

"NOTHING/MPH-ING!"

**Sarge:** Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.

"Really manly there, Sarge." Yang muttered.

_Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose standing on top of Blue Base, a beeping noise is heard very faintly in the background_

_._

**Church:** There, you hear that?

**Tucker:** Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

**Church:** No, it's just like this constant "beep beep beep" noise.

**Tucker:** Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything.

**Church:** Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

**Tucker:** No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.

**Church:** Yeah, well, you're failing.

**Caboose:** All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us.

**Church and Tucker:** ...

"Mental Note: Never invite an O'Malley-infected Caboose to a party." Ruby muttered, "Actually, don't invite anyone at all."

**Caboose:** Wait, you guys don't hear that?

**Church:** Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy

.

_Camera zooms to the Warthog with Church's words "going to drive me crazy... drive me crazy..." echoing in the background_.

**Warthog:** _(emits a series of beeps like the beginning of a dial-up connection)_ Drive.

"IDIOT/MPH-IOATS!" The RWBYs exclaimed, "THAT WAS THE WORST CODE EVER!"

"OF ALL TIME!" Yang added, only to be punched,

"NEVER TALK AFTER ME, _YANG_!"

**Sarge:** Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.

_The Warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him. He lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him._

**Donut:** Hey, he's taking the jeep!

"How is he taking the jeep if they know it's being remote controlled." Blake muttered, until she realised something, "Wait... no one can understand me like Lopez. IT'S A FUCKING WARTHOG, BITCHES!"

*RUBY PWNCH!*

"FUCK!"

"Ruby! Why did you punch Blake!?" Weiss asked with anger in her voice, 'Seriously, who would try and hurt and injured person?!'

"I have a go-actually, I just kinda felt like it." Ruby answered. Weiss gave up and went back to watching.

**Doc:** Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!

**Donut:** Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

**Simmons:** Hey, Sarge, new rule. _(camera shows the Reds watching the Warthog drive off into the middle of the canyon)_ How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

"Good rule, Simmons." Yang muttered.

_Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still present._

"Okay, now it's starting to drive me crazy." Blake said, though no one understood her and ignored her, "I EXIST YOU KNOW! NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAST! I STARTING TO BUILD UP AND I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE!"

*Bow Chicka Bow Wow*

"OH FUCK YOU!"

**Caboose:** I see a switch down here. _(whispers_ _loudly)_ It's not very big.

"But the trouble it causes..." Weiss muttered before shivering again, 'Is there Porn Ghost in Beacon, because I swear I keep hearing someone say Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'

**Tucker:** Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

**Church:** Wait, stop.

**Warthog:** _(in background_, _in the middle of the canyon, emits its series of beeps)_ Stop. _(stops moving)_

**Church:** Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?

**Caboose:** Uhhhhhhh...

**Church:** Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.

**Warthog:** Turn around. _(starts turning around)_

**Caboose:** _(a small metallic noise is heard)_ Oops. _(there's the sound of electricity)_ It broke itself.

"Caboose everybody! The only person in existence to break a switch!" Yang exclaimed, only to receive a tomato to the face and a 'Boooooooooooooooooooo!'

**Church:** Ugh!

_Cut to the Warthog as it finishes turning, now facing the Reds_.

**Doc:** Oh man, what now?

_Cut to a close up of the Reds._

**Grif:** That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty. _(Donut starts backing up)_

"It's not a fucking cat Grif." Blake muttered with an eye roll. Still, no response, 'I'm going to kill them all. Once I get out of this thing and do that other thing, I'm going to kill them all.'

_Cut to the Blues. Tucker and Caboose are kneeling next to Church._

**Tucker:** Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

**Caboose:** What about the blue one?

**Tucker:** That's your thumb, idiot.

**Church:** Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.

"First rule in bomb disposal: Never yank them all out." Weiss muttered, remembering that one time Cardin put a stink bomb in the girl's locker room, with buttons, wires and all that shit. Let's just say that never let Ruby defuse a bomb, 'We were trapped in there for a week.' Weiss thought as she glared at Ruby, who glared back.

**Tucker:** Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there.

**Church:** Then just yank 'em both.

**Caboose:** _(stands up)_ Church, if we pick the wrong one... (_whispers_) You could explode.

**Church:** I don't care, look, just follow the red one.

_Cut to the Warthog._

**Warthog:** Acquire target: red.

"And of course, Sarge put in a command to target himself." Ruby muttered.

**Grif:** Uh, Sarge, y-you, you may wanna start running. _(Donut and Simmons back away)_ Now. _(backs away_ _also)_

**Sarge:** Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

"Mmm... fudge pumps..." Ruby drooled. Her drool landed on Blake's leg, making the cat mummy groan in annoyance.

_Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling again._

**Tucker:** Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... eugh, someplace else.

**Church:** Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

_Cut to the Warthog ramming Sarge into the wall of Red Base_.

"He should've just re-coloured the wires..." Yang muttered.

**Sarge:** Oh, I'm pinned!

**Warthog:** _(emits dial-up noise again)_ Eliminate red target. (_the turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)_

**Grif:** You're gonna kill him!

**Sarge:** What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

"That you're a senile old man that should never step foot into the army and slowly die in a retirement home?" Ruby guessed.

**Simmons:** Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

**Sarge:** No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

"That too." Then Ruby finished her orange-less juice, "Let's take a break." Yang & Weiss gave a sigh of relief as now they got to go to the bathroom. The RWYs left the room, leaving a sexually frustrated Blake who was in desperate need of a toilet,

"MPH-ING MUFF!" (Translation: FUCKING FUCK!)

(A few minutes and one desperate & embarrassing moment later...)

"HELP ME!" Blake tried to say as she rocked in her wheelchair,

"Um... did she just-" Yang started to say, only to be interrupted by Weiss,

"Yee-eah. Someone needs to take care of her." Blake was starting to really rock as she desperately tried to say anything to her team mates,

"We'll deal with it later." Ruby said, "Right now, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH!" she yelled as she pressed play.

**(Last Words)**

_The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat._

**Simmons:** Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

**Donut:** You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armour.

"You know, I can't really blame him." Ruby admitted. This caused Weiss and Yang to move a little bit away from Ruby while Yang pulled Blake closer to Weiss.

_Cut to Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard._

**Tucker:** Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

_Cut to the Warthog and Sarge_.

**Sarge:** Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him... he was like a son to me.

"He's a robot he programmed and built. So technically, Lopez is Sarge's son in a way." Blake pointed out, 'Still, nothing.'

**Grif:** I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

**Sarge:** No offence, Simmons. Lopez and I just... understood each other better.

**Simmons:** Understood? He refused to speak English!

"Sarge's fault." (Ruby)

**Grif:** Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

"Sarge's fault." (Blake)

**Simmons:** And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

"Sarge's fault." (Yang before getting gut punched, "DON'T REPEAT AFTER ME!")

**Sarge:** Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

_Cut to the Blues_.

**Tucker:** Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! _(pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)_

"Finally!" Ruby said, relieved that the beeping stopped,

"Wait for it." Weiss said with her hand up.

**Church:** Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

"There we go." Weiss mutter as she face palmed.

_Cut to the Warthog which stops firing_.

**Warthog:** _(emits its series of beeps, shutting down)_ Signal lost.

'Aw... I wanted to see him die.' Yang thought sadly, 'DAMN YOU CREATORS OF RED VS BLUE FOR ROBBING THAT FROM ME!' She suddenly got and electric shock, sparks and everything, 'FOR FUCK SAKES!'

**Grif:** Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

**Sarge:** Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

**Simmons:** It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

"That, or you're an asshole." Yang muttered before glancing at Ruby and mentally adding, 'Or a Bitch.'

**Sarge:** It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

"Taken who? A remote controlled car with a fucking machine gun?" Weiss said.

**Grif:** Taken who? The machine gun?

"At least I didn't say that exactly."

**Sarge:** Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armour, if you will.

"Yes, cracks in bullet proof armour-plating." Weiss muttered sarcastically.

**Grif:** What? You can't fight a machine gun.

**Donut:** Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armour piercing bullets using only your face.

"Thank you, Donut." Ruby said.

**Sarge:** And yet, he surrendered.

**Doc:** Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

"I think he's dealing with stress all the time." Blake muttered, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME YOU SHITS! I REALLY NEED TO GO!"

**Grif:** Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

**Doc:** Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

"Ew..." The RWBYs grimaced.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Church:** This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

**Caboose:** Why don't you try walking it off?

*Face Palm* "Ow! I think it's sensitive now." Weiss muttered, not noticing the red hand print on her forehead.

**Church:** I can't use my legs, moron.

**Caboose:** Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

"Doesn't make it any better." Yang muttered.

**Tucker:** This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

**Church:** Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

"I-I... I don't know how to comment on that." Ruby admitted, speaking for her team.

**Caboose:** Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Before Weiss, Yang or Blake could make their comments, Ruby said, "Nah, you don't want him to do that Caboose. I mean, sure it's cool for a while but then the blood rushes to your head and you can't make a proper sandwich to save you life."

"Uh... how did y-did you do the hand stand thing at one point when I wasn't looking?" Yang asked. Ruby answer?

*RUBY PWNCH!*

"...No." Ruby lied, "And never speak of this again." She growled as she went back to her seat (AN: Joke by snake screamer).

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:** Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

**Doc:** Oh, right. Sorry. _(accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)_

"Oh! That doesn't sound good." Yang said, recovering from the hundredth gut punch today.

**Sarge:** Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

**Doc:** Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... _(accidentally rams Sarge again)_

"And there goes that nut." Weiss said, feeling a bit sorry for the Red Leader.

**Sarge:** Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

**Doc:** Third time's a charm?

**Simmons:** I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

**Doc**: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

**Grif:** Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our Sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

**Doc:** ... ...Really?

**Grif and Simmons **(& the RWBYs)**:** Get out!

_Cut to the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires._

**Church:** Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

**Tucker:** What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

**Church:** No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

"Just like your mum last night." Yang said without thinking... until she realised what she just said, "... I should shut up and never say anything."

**Caboose:** Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

_The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base_.

**Church:** Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

**Caboose:** _(seeing the Reds)_ Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

**Church:** Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyse me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

**Simmons:** Hey, Blues, we're here to- _(sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church)_ What the hell are you guys doing?!

"Uh... nope. Still no comments." Ruby said before hearing her stomach growl, "Well, I guess it's time to eat. _YANG_!"

"What?!" Yang said in an annoyed tone,

"You're cooking."

"Um... Ruby, remember what happened last time Yang cooked." Weiss reminded the Red Grimm Reaper. Honestly, she didn't remember much of that day. All she remembered was that they had to take a mandatory cooking class and then the next thing she knew was waking up in the infirmary,

"Oh..." Ruby said before pointing to Weiss, "Weiss, you're cooking."

"Well, at least I can make something editable." Weiss muttered,

"_Yang!_ You have to serve us."

"What!?" Yang exclaimed, "Don't I get to eat?"

"No way, _bitch_. I still haven't forgiven you."

*Sigh* "One day, Ruby Rose. One day..." Yang growled as she closed the door behind her, leaving Blake to her devices.

...

...

...

...

"They forgot about me again, didn't they?"

Save Game... Quit!

Whew! This chapter is finally done! Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter of RWBY soon... as in next week!

UknownHero signing off, my friends!


End file.
